I have read DR and have been monitoring these forums for a while and they have been a great help. However, I am not exactly sure how to handle my specific situation.
Here it is: My wife has developed an EA over the past 2 years. I had suspicions of it before, but really became fully aware of it in January. The affair began shortly after we had our second child and we were having some real difficulties in our marriage. We both have demanding jobs, 2 children, and general stress were getting to both of us. During those difficult times we tried a marriage counselor; but after a handful of sessions I cut it off because it seemed to be making matters worse (in retrospect, this was a huge mistake).
Fast forward to last December (a month before I really knew of the affair), my wife was diagnosed with major depression and started taking anti-depressents. This ended up being a misdiagnosis and the meds really caused havoc with her moods over the next 6 months. During this time, the OM divorced his wife and really started pressuring W to do the same so they could be together. During this time, she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech several times and talked of seperation etc. Things blew up several times from January through June, but we never did seperate.
We started marriage counseling again sometime in April (I think) and I think it helps some. In fact it was this counselor that suggested W go back to Psychologist and get another diagnosis. She did and was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. The anti-depressants were causing her to rapid cycle (which means her moods were aleways in flux and it was difficult for her to think rationally). She started taking a new regimine of meds in mid-June. This seemed to help our marriage and things really seemed to be on the mend through early July. But then she had a severe allergic reation to the new med and she had to be taken off it immediately; this wreaked havoc in her moods again. She began talking of seperation again and I began reacting badly which didn't help. She was immediately started on a new med, but it takes a while to be titrated up to a theraputic dose.
Anyway, I think the new med hit a theraputic dose a couple of weeks ago. Her moods have been much more stable recently. During this time, she has renewed her interest on working on our marriage. I have read DR and have taken the advice of not pursuing her or talking about the relationship. Things have been moving in the right direction for us.
So my problem is this: I know she still talks to the OM daily (often 2 or 3 times). I am suspicious (but can not confirm) that she has seen him a couple of times over the past 2 weeks as well. After she crashed because of the allergic reaction, I was giving her a pass on the OM (she was essentually a mental mess). However, I know this EA has to end before we can fully heal. Since I have stopped talking about the OM, things have been getting better.
I think DR said to not change something if it is working, so I am not sure I want to discuss the OM. However, at some point I need to make it an issue, right? Now that she is stable, how much time should I give her before making it an issue? I would really appreciate some advice.
No. I met him a couple of times before any of this occurred. The last time we were together I remember being uncomfortable with the way he was interacting with W.
You aren't suggesting that I confront the OM; are you? I have no idea what I would say. I think he is a sad existence of a human being. He was my wife's boss when he told her that "loved her". He is telling her that our children are not benefiting by living in a "loveless marriage". He has given her information on how to deal with the children in a divorce. The whole time telling her that he will just back away if she thinks that we have a chance. And that is just the tip of the iceburg.
If I did meet this guy now, I am not sure I would be able to keep my cool. He is making it very difficult for us to work on our marriage. Because of their current job positions it is hard for her to completely seperate herself from him. However, he is no longer her boss.
I have no idea what I would say. I think he is a sad existence of a human being. He was my wife's boss when he told her that "loved her". He is telling her that our children are not benefiting by living in a "loveless marriage". He has given her information on how to deal with the children in a divorce. The whole time telling her that he will just back away if she thinks that we have a chance. And that is just the tip of the iceburg.
This guy is a threat to your marriage don't stand by and watch. You confront your wife and tell her that you will not share her with another man. She will stop contact with him and there will be transparency. If she says that she talks to him because of work then help her find a new job. This is a very serious issue and inaction is not the answer. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have tried this. She stops for a short time, but can't follow through saying it is too hard. Do I need to be prepared to walk out if she can't do it? The MC told me not to make any decisions until the psychiatrist can get her emotions stabilized. She seems to be much better now, but her appointment with the psychiatrist is not until next week. I know that I need to push this hard at some point, I am just wondering about the timing. She doesn't want to be "controlled" or "manipulated".
Do the MC and the psych know about the EA and the ongoing contact? Specifically what the OM has told your wife? This guy is a snake.
Boundaries are not controlling or manipulating.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The MC does know much of it. He has said that I will (at some point) need to put my foot down. But he has also said to wait and see how she is after she is stabilized in a private session with me. I know that she has told the psych that we are having marriage problems, but I am not sure if she has told him about the OM. In our group sessions, the marriage counselor says that I can't be concerned with the OM - that I need to work on my issues (which are my insecurities/anxiety about the OM). He says he OM is her concern, she needs to figure that out on her own. However, shouldn't I be feeling insecure/anxious about this? Like you said, this is a serious issue.
I know he is a snake. Why can't she see that??? She says that I don't understand, that he "really is a good man." It's nice to hear someone else say he is a snake.
So if simply putting my foot down does not work; what's next?
So I brought up the issue last night. W admitted to a PA (claims just kissing) and said she needed to seperate to find out what she wanted. I am devastated and confused. I have no idea what to do? I first tried to sleep on the couch after the conversation, but gave in and went back to the bed. I know that is not what I should have done, but I was so distraught.
I woke up early and came to work. I woke her up. She said I just "saved her from falling into some murky/dirty water" in her dream. I asked her how she was doing; she said "Having a hard time". She asked how I was; my reply was "Not sure". I left for work without giving her a kiss. First time in a long while.
We have a MC session tonight. She wants to talk about seperating there. I have no idea how to respond. Do I simply accept it? Is it OK if I say I am not ready to talk about how to deal with the children right now? I am ashamed to say this, but I don't really feel like being with them right now. I don't feel like being with anyone; I just want to crawl into a hole in the ground.
