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A Message from Michele
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Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: forward] #1917684
01/16/10 02:12 PM
01/16/10 02:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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peacetoday Offline OP
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peacetoday  Offline OP
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Upside
so good to see you back posting
you are right -
my therapist also said to explain to kds about addiction and that dad is sick
he loves them and its not their fault
so im starting to explain more them and that feels right

snodderly thanks
I also believe xh will contact them again at some point
I hope he does bottom out I cant see how things can get much worse for him--but from what his mother said he is complaining 24/7 saying poor me
but he continues to run to another state..maybe her family will be the ones to save them..give xh a job and make him happy

its out of my handds
its probably better that xh isnt here if he is this bad
this way the kids dont have to be around him and her

Forward--thanks for your support

I wonder the same
will xh ever come through this
I guess we have to prepare emotionally that they may not
that we may be the sole provider emothionally and otherwise for our ourselves and kids
we can do it we been soing it right

peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: peacetoday] #1917753
01/16/10 04:31 PM
01/16/10 04:31 PM
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 795
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still hoping Offline
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still hoping  Offline
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Posts: 795
Hi peace,

I agree that it's probably better XH is not around, considering the condition he is in now. Just like many of us have been given the advice to pretend H has gone off to war during their MLC, your XH is really out of the picture for now.

As for him not being there for the kids, it is very sad, but probably better that they don't see him in this state. Also, I have read that it is sometimes easier on them when the other parent is out of the picture if their main caretaker provides a stable home for them. They are forced to live in 2 different worlds when they are with the other parent.

I think your XH will resurface when he's come to his senses - whenever that may be.

Last edited by still hoping; 01/16/10 04:32 PM.
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: still hoping] #1919170
01/19/10 01:38 AM
01/19/10 01:38 AM
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,071
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forward Offline
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forward  Offline
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Posts: 4,071
Peace, I am understanding now that even if we are the ones who were dumped, we are in a better situation than the X.

Figure that they are on top of the world when they leave--or shortly thereafter, when they can be with OP. We are devastated.

Slowly, surely, things change....


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: forward] #1919268
01/19/10 04:25 AM
01/19/10 04:25 AM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,194
Australia/Pacific
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Walking Offline
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Walking  Offline
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Forward ... never a truer word was spoken.

It doesn't feel like it at the time - and for some long time later - but this journey is a unique gift.

V


V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: Walking] #1945606
02/24/10 01:58 PM
02/24/10 01:58 PM
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Posts: 3,925
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peacetoday Offline OP
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peacetoday  Offline OP
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still No word from xh
He continues to NOT answer calls from the kids
I have heard nothing more from his mother I believe he is living with OWWife in the west where her family is
maybe I assume he is starting over
trying to toatally wipe his children off his history and pretending he never had them
this is 3 years post bomb
I have heard he is drinking again

as for us
my kids continue to be OK
my son NEVER asks about him
my teenagae D does not call him anymore
he abandoned them in November never said goodbye..that was typical of his avoidence behavior of the crises
my kids are doing ok from what I can see
they both do well in school and socialize on reguarly
we seem to be connected and close the 3 of us

as for me
I am happy
Our business is doing well
I work daily in it and enjoy it so much
The business has restoered many lost customers from when xh was here and his behavior was so eratic that we lost so many customers
I continue to seek spiritual guidence
my R is going well with BF--I have know him almost a year
I am not looking for any committments or snotyher M
Just enjoyiong a friendship and focusing on taking care of my world and keeping my sides of the streets clean
all is well
so where ever you are in the journey, know that you will be ok and find your way with or without H
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: peacetoday] #1975568
04/06/10 12:53 PM
04/06/10 12:53 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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peacetoday Offline OP
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peacetoday  Offline OP
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Still no word from H
It is since November
He may be living in midwest I dont know

My almost 15 year old D is having many meltdowns lately
I dont know if its hormonal or just thr 15 Year mark
anythoughts?
she has typically been emotional all her life but seems to have hit a bump and seems to be struggling more
maybe part of it is dad being gone--and just being a teen?
I feel a bit stresed b/c all seemed to be ok with her
now it seems difficult agian
then I get angry at XH for abandoning her and us
not even giving her a phone # to contact him once a month
he never answrs any calls or returns them
these are his kids--that he raised since birth
leaving me to carry the load
I see him as a total loser
and sad thing is we all lost through his crises
so I need to be there for her now and I am a littler scared and angry
b/c things were going well or maybe I just thought they were
or maybe there are moments of each
thanks for hearing
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: peacetoday] #1975595
04/06/10 01:31 PM
04/06/10 01:31 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Quote:
My almost 15 year old D is having many meltdowns lately
I dont know if its hormonal or just thr 15 Year mark
Being a 15 year old girl is hard enough with two parents. It seems having one has got to add some pressure. Is she going for any IC? It is hard for the parent because as your kids look for independence trying to give them just enough rope to hang themselves is very difficult tight rope to walk. My S22 and D23 who are adults are further down this path but we struggle with these things all the time. Just be there for her and know that you are not alone.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: Cadet] #1975668
04/06/10 03:02 PM
04/06/10 03:02 PM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 726
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mandyloo Offline
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mandyloo  Offline
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Peacetoday, I feel for you and your d, I dont know wot to say love, my s is 15 going in 16, he was 10 when all this started and adored his dad. I dont know if you have read my sitch peace, my ex not only abondoned his son he didnt speak or contact him for 2 and half years. they have been speaking since july last year and yes I can tell you that son has many meltdowns, wot I do is sit him down and talk it through and I can assure you that wot comes out in the end it all this mess that dad as created in his life. he loves his father to bits but hates wot he as done to him and I. Sometimes I wonder peace if as son gets to be his dads age is he going to have his own mlc and come back to this stage in his life where he as been so unhappy for the last five years. I also think wot it is peace is the fact that the children want to be strong in front of us so put up a good face and pretend that they are bearing up with it all, eventually that wall has to come down and their true feelings show, I think sometimes hormonal as well as exams at school, but mostly it the thought of what father could abondon their own child and all that child wonders is why why why as my dad done this to me. believe me peace I have been there for my son and it hurts like hell when he as a meltdown, stick by your daughter peace give her the love of two people it is hard it is very hard, hugs xxx

Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: mandyloo] #1975708
04/06/10 03:59 PM
04/06/10 03:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
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ericmsant2 Offline
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Peace -

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I agree with OP that you try and bring your kids to IC as soon as possible. Know that this is not YOUR fault. You have been a pillar of strength to your kids and should continue to do so. I can see your growth, strength and character in your post. You should be proud. At somepoint in the future your xh will realize the consequences of HIS actions. You are am amazing women!

Everything that you can do you are doing...keep being there for your kids and accept that you cannot change or control another but you can control how you deal with the sitch.

Know that you are not alone and may God bless you and your family.

God Bless,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Re: DID XH M OW or not?? [Re: ericmsant2] #1975741
04/06/10 04:33 PM
04/06/10 04:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,160
Texas
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SoCo Offline
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SoCo  Offline
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Aw Peace I am so sorry. I don't really know what else to add, because being a teenage girl is hard enough under the best of circumstances. Oh gosh, do I remember my attitude at that age. I think my D4 is for sure going to be payback for that : )

You sound like you are doing everything in your power dear. I would second the IC suggestion from Pilot for her. Poor thing, that is sooooo hard.

I have not figured out how these people can just erase their children from their lives. I never will understand.

Mine still comes around just enough to stir things up and be irritating, but his mom does all the work when he has the kids. So he has it pretty easy.

I'm sorry you are going through this as well as your D. But as you know, you have no control over his actions. At least she has you there for her stability. Best of luck.

Last edited by SoCo; 04/06/10 04:33 PM.

"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out."
Robert Collier

"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments."
Henry Ward Beecher

me 33, s 9, d 4
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