Here's my big question: I do NOT initiate R talks. He does EVERY time. Do I need to refuse to talk with him about it?
This is seriously driving me insane. Every day is a big high or low on the roller coaster.
Last weekend he came back from a trip and was REALLY conflicted. It had been my high school reunion and he was sure that I was there giving my phone number to people. He came back and asked me to talk with him awhile and told me that he thought he was doing the right thing and needed to stay away from me. I was so confused after that but really irritated too. He was taking the kids to an awards ceremony that evening and I told him if it would make him uncomfortable I wouldn't go. Turned out I didn't go but my mom and his mom did. They sat with the kids and even though my daughter saved him a seat he chose to sit with the OW instead.
My Mom called and told me about this. I was really upset for the kids and called to talk with them, then talked to him and told him I felt that he was making a conscious choice. He said he was. I didn't talk to him after that.
The next day he calls me and asks if I am healthy. What?!? I told him that was not his business, that I have people to talk to an so does he. He kept badgering me so I hung up on him. Haven't done that for a long time. That evening he comes over, asks to talk to me, hugs me, pours out his heart to me. Tells me he's going to talk with his parents and NOT (specifically) going to the OW. Daughter tried to call him, couldn't reach him, tried parents house, they hadn't seen him. Didn't hear from him until midmorning the next day. Said he had a "meeting" to "sort things out". I said, to talk about your future with OW? He said yes. Was cold and distant again. GRRRR!!! How do I deal with this?
An old friend from high school - who was also a college boyfriend - heard about my situation and has been texting/calling to see how I am doing. He went through the same thing and does have a lot of helpful male perspective. He is single as well and I SO DO NOT want to get into an emotional connection situation. It has been innocent so far but I know how these things can get out of hand. It's almost cliche. But he texted me when my X was right there and it drove him crazy. He instantly wanted to know who it was and how often I talked to him. Was angry that I was texting instead of "being with the kids". Ha, ha, ha-ha-ha-ha.... Seriously. I am amazed by the total lack of insight there.
Yesterday we went to another awards party for the kids and I sat with him in the back - he was very uncomfortable because this was "my" activity with them. He started the R talk again and told me that if we got back together it would just be for the kids and the best he could do was TOLERATE me. Wow. Talk about giving me a great reason not to pursue him.
So, bearsfan, help me out. He is pursuing me to tell me he doesn't want to be with me, or rather that he does want to be with me but doesn't think he should, depending on the day. Should I actively pursue friendship with other men, allowing him to think it might be more? I don't really want to give him another reason to think he shouldn't be with me. But at the same time, it sometimes feels like he just wants me dangling there.
XH has been out of town for the weekend again. Did not take OW with him this time. Still, he did not call the kids at all the whole time. I stayed strong and did not call him.
His mom called and told me he had broken his cell phone and would like me to have the kids call him. Not sure how that works, but whatever. Called him and they had to leave a message, then he called right back. Not sure how that meant he couldn't call before, but again, whatever.
Didn't talk to me except to ask if he could have the kids Monday. I said sure, trade Monday for Tues (his day). He sounded irritated and said never mind, I'll just have them Tues. I then handed the phone right over to the kids.
I have determined that if I have truly handed all of this over to God, then everything is happening according to his schedule. If that is true, then this roller coaster is happening just as it should.
I know that it took me some time to come to many realizations about myself and discover that I wanted to make our marriage work. When my XH was wanting to reconsider, I was not ready. If we had gotten back together at that time, it would not have worked because I had not completed my journey. God needed that time to work on me and change me.
I need to remember that God needs this same time to work on him. I am seeing the turmoil that he is going through ... that roller coaster is proof positive that God is working on him. Until he is finished with his journey, and God's timing is right, anything we do on our own will not work.
I plan to come back and re-read this and remind myself of this every time I get impatient or frustrated by his flip-flopping and slow pace of self-realization!
LOL bearsfan! Well, super, I guess I really am right on track then!
The rollercoaster continues...
A great week for the most part, he spent LOTS of time with the kids (and in turn VERY LITTLE time with OW) and gave me lots of compliments. Opened up several times but I did not get sucked in TOO much. Asked me once when we were joking about something "Why weren't you like this when we were married?" I was, don't you remember?
He also commented once that he just wanted to be with someone who wanted to do the things he wanted to do. I said, well you are now so.... And he said, "I don't know."
Over all, my low expectations and being off the roller coaster have made it a good week!
Enjoy the break from da roller coaster while you can...trust me on this one. Because one day...you're going to be thrown right back on it! Just think of yourself as the main character in a Stephen King novel...you may get a break here and there, but sh*t will happen again. Actually.....There is a King novel: Riding the Bullet!! Oh, this guy gets to go on several um, unpleasant rides on the 'bullet' which IS a....ROLLERCOASTER!!! I'm not making this up either.
Yeah, back on the rollercoaster again today. After a pretty good week last week, he seemed more distant on Thursday before he left for the weekend. His weekend to have the kids, but he didn't take them. He said because he would be getting back late Monday night before their first day of school.
I suspected that OW would be going with him, but was not sure because he had told me earlier that she would not be. Well, change of plans, because she did.
I see the positives in this that he did not take the kids with him. That would have been unbearable for me.
I called him to let him know that the kids were here and after a very short, very cold conversation (I asked if she was there with him and he confirmed) we hung up.
Why? Why can he come to me with these signals, insinuating time and time again that he is "cooling off" with her, then go away for a long weekend with her? The last time he said that he was backing off with her, I told him that I had heard that a million times now. He was surprised by that.
I can't control him. I know that. He is making his own choices and I am making mine. He seems to be emerging from the MLC behavior a bit, actually THINKING about things, but I don't know. I keep asking myself how much longer I can hang on here. Or rather, how much longer I SHOULD.
Hey Irish- Well, I don't remember where I read this, but someone posted that when we are so used to not getting anything, a crumb will seem like a feast. I keep mulling this over because I feel like if my H didn't give me crumbs here and there, I would be long gone.
Alas, my poor memory, I can't remember if I posted the following either- but with that--I was telling my counselor awhile back that sometimes I feel very strong because I am still standing, and at other times I feel very weak...because I am still standing. He said it back to me like this "You are strong when it comes to withstanding abuse, but weak when it comes to walking away." ouch. (Keep in mind, the "abuse" is just that my H is waffling.)
I have to wonder in your case if it's a good time to "go gucci". Have you been on any dates? If so, did your XH know? If so, how did he respond? Maybe I shouldn't say "dates". More like chillin' with a new guy friend.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Trixi, I have been out with girlfriends and in groups, but not on dates. MY XH has several times "accused" me of going on dates, or being interested in someone else. He wanted to know all the details and said he was "just curious". It did seem to bother him a lot and that seemed to be when he was coming back to "check in".
I have wondered if I should pursue male friendships, but I really worry about the reaction of my XH. I know that is foolish! I have been talking more with my college boyfriend friend (who lives 10 hours away) and it is really nice to have that validation that you don't get from the XH. Lots of interesting insights, because he has been down that road too. His advice was to make a big move on MY terms (like start dating or move all my things out of the house) and put the ball squarely in his court, showing him that I am moving on to live my life. Sounds like good advice, but scary.
I asked him once why he just didn't cut it off with me and he said that he was waiting for me to do it. He does not have the strength, or whatever, to. So I worry that playing hardball will send him a message that I have let him go and he is now free from making that decision himself. Kind of like he couldn't reconcile even if he wanted to, so better to just move on because I made a choice, not him. Stupid? Maybe.
I am having a very hard day because I keep fighting with my thoughts and emotions (plus PMS, yay!). I know that he has been gone with her for 5 days, basically. But I also know that he was closer to me last week than he has been for MONTHS, maybe even a year, and he really seemed unsure of his feelings for her. He can't have all those conflicted feelings then just turn them off in one day. I know that his best friend and his friend's young son were also with him this past weekend, so it wasn't like a romantic getaway. But he still chose to take her with him. This was supposed to be his weekend to have the kids and he did not take them. Don't know if her kids went, would guess not. I know he has only called our own kids once since he's been gone. Guilt? It's the not knowing what is in his head that drives me mad!
Have you thought of backing away completely? Yes he may move on but alternatively it will force him to examine what he actually wants rather than having you and OW dangling. Scary though. Remember you don’t have to do it forever just try it as a strategy for a couple of weeks and if it doesn’t work then reestablish contact. Monitor results to see what works.
Concentrate on you and your PMA, GAL stuff and all that. And why not date? Stop obsessing. I’m great at giving out this advice but find it almost impossible to do myself.
