I know that he seems to have it all right now. It frustrates me to no end that he will tell me that he doesn't know what he wants but he chooses to spend so much time with her. When we are together, he seems honest but scared and confused.
I am trying to distance myself as much as I can while still remaining open. I feel that I need to be less available to him. I have stopped pursuing him and we have gone from him avoiding me and being defensive and angry to him initiating calls and talks with me. So in a sense, that is harder because as I pull away from him he opens up more to me about his conflict, which keeps me hanging.
My XH decided to travel several hours away last weekend to visit his son (my stepson) and his old friends. I saw this as a positive move, him doing something alone for himself and giving himself time to think. However, it suddenly hit me Fri evening that he probably took her with him. Seemed ridiculous but possible, and it turned out to be true. Ugh.
Anyway, for the past several months I have been praying nonstop for God's will in my life. I have asked not to be reconciled with my XH but for God to show me the path for my life clearly and give me the patience to follow His plan. I feel that it is His will that my family be together and every time I try to give up I am brought back to this.
This weekend, it suddenly occurred to me that I have not ever prayed for my XH to be shown his path. After all, he is the one who claims to be confused and lost. So I prayed like crazy for God to make his will known, to show XH his path, to give him clear signs as to what he should do.
Lo and behold, XH came back after his weekend away and called to talk with me. (I had still not called him.) I asked how his time was and he said not too good. He said, basically, that he felt awkward and unsettled the whole time and he wanted to have his family whole but was scared and still confused and did not want to go back to what we had. Wow! Do we doubt that prayer works?
Yesterday (the next day) I did not call again. He came to pick up the kids and asked if we could talk. Again, he talked and I listened as he told me how confused he was about everything in his life. On one hand he will tell me how much fun he has with her and how everything is easy, but they fight because she feels that he is not over me. On the other hand he tells me that he wants to have our family back but is worried about all the fights and tension we used to have.
I find myself tied in knots again. He said that he doesn't know why he is talking to me and he doesn't want her to know we are talking. He says he doesn't want me to think that he is coming back.
Today I called to talk to the kids and he asked to talk to me. I asked how he was doing. The kids had mentioned that they went by the OW's work. (Made me sick but I did not mention it to him.) He said he was ok and that they had just stopped by her work to fax something. I pointed out that it was his business and I had not asked. (Why does he justify it to me?) He started to say something about getting some of his own furniture and dropped it, saying he would talk to me later.
How do I avoid R talks if he is bringing it up SO MUCH? I try to stay upbeat. I try not to bring things up and just respond if he does. Do I need to actually change the subject and RESIST the R talk? I have been letting him take the lead.
That's so funny Stacy, about becoming the OW! I actually read something around here about how now we can be the prize, the fun unattainable mysterious girl... the OW. I know that they fight about his feelings for me. Kind of cracks me up to think about it. Let THEM have the arguments, while I sit here peaceful and happy. (Right?)
Well, I have been doing very well with not contacting him. He, however, has called or come by and talked to me EVERY DAY.
I know he is still confused and I am trying to keep patient. I really don't think he saw OW for any length of time last week. He was strangely forthcoming with his whereabouts even though I didn't ask. He keeps telling me conflicting things. I was encouraged that he told me about several conversations he had with friends about possible reconciliation. He also went out of his way to talk with my parents. I think he is testing the waters to see how the world would feel about this. He has always been very worried about what people think of him, especially his friends.
Last night he called from out of town and I gave my phone to the kids to answer. They spoke with him then he asked to talk to me. Small talk, about his conflicted feelings.
This morning I called and left a message because my daughter wanted to talk with him last night and I thought he could wake her up on the phone. Again, he called back and I let him talk to the kids, then he asked to talk to me. After we talked for 15 minutes, he told me that he thinks we are maybe talking too much (I didn't point out that it is he who asks to talk to me every time) and maybe "if we go through with this" (?) he should get some of his own furniture and put mine in storage, which he offered to pay for.
I told him whatever he wanted to do was fine. He needs to make his own choices. I think he is finally thinking things through for himself. Every day is a new personality and I think I am getting better at rolling with the punches.
Hey Irish....Saying hi....Have some catching up to do....have to read some of your back posts....Let's see how well you have been DBing. Think we will grade you this time.
Wow , you ARE doing a good job. We are going to give you an A-. The only thing that bothers me is that you may be TOO available to him. I'm hoping that others read this and chime in on whether they agree with me or not. I have read several times that you can't be too available and you need to add mystery. On the flip side, it sounds like he is REALLY waffling and leaning toward you more than OW. That is just MY opinion and I could very well be wrong. This sounds like a very fluid situation right now so you will need to tread very carefully indeed. Let's see if others concur with me. Don't want to steer you wrong.
You're doing well keep it up. Watch the signs does he want to come over more often? Let him, show him what he's missing, but continue to be non committal.
