My husband (ex) and I have always had an intense relationship with lots of highs and lows. For quite some time now we have not been truly happy but we kind of accepted it and lived as roommates.
We are both self employed. Last summer, when the economy tanked, my business took a real hit. I still paid for our health insurance, my car and gas, but stopped bringing home a paycheck. I didn't discuss it with him because honestly we never discussed much of anything and it really didn't seem like a big deal because I make much less than he does.
When fall came, he had a large payment due with his business and accused me of taking his money. We had our regular expenses and I was using more of his income than usual to pay our bills. He flipped out and accused me of socking away money so that I could leave him. (I wasn't. Not even close.)
He became completely distant from me, only seeing all the negatives with us. I became defensive and we hit a huge wall. At this point, he started talking about divorce and talking to anyone who would listen about it. He told me that one of these people was a divorced woman he was friends with. Warning bells! I believed him that it was casual and did not even realize how attached he had become. Found out just last week (after 8 months of being divorced) that he had been calling her 4 or 5 times a day and in the middle of the night starting 2 months before we were divorced. It makes sense to me now why counseling did not work... nothing I did was enough for him and he could not see anything but the negative - especially when comparing me to his EA.
We "fast-tracked" our divorce and neither of us has been ok with it since then. For the first four months, I kept feeling hurt and rejected and defensive, believing that the next step would be the one to make everything better. But it never happened. He was pressuring me to reconsider and I was resisting.
At month 4, he finally backed away. I suddenly realized that the choice I was making was not the choice I wanted for my life. I took a hard look at myself and realized how my reactions and assumptions were making our relationship impossible. I did not feel like he even liked me, much less loved me. When I realized that he did, I saw all the things that he had been doing to show me love but that I had rejected. I knew that we could fix things.
I went to him and apologized from the heart, I think for the first time ever. He told me that he wanted to start dating his EA. I was devastated. I have since spent the last 4 months trying to convince him to give me another chance and tell him that I truly, unconditionally love him. He has responded by telling me that he has moved on, he wants me to leave him alone and that he does not ever want to go back to what we had. (I don't either - I want something better for us.)
Three days ago I looked back at the cell phone records from 10 months ago and discovered the EA. I confronted him with it and he went through several stages of denying it, then not. At that point, I felt that I could finally back off. I have felt this way several times before in the past 4 months, but every time I get angry and back away from him, he reels me back in by telling me he never wanted this and he wants his family in the worst way, but he does not trust that I can change. Then I am right back to hoping we can work it out! It is driving me insane!
After reading the "going dark" section here, I have spent the past few days leaving him alone, talking to him only about the kids. It does appear to have had some effect on him, because he has already called me, talking in friendly terms. He even asked me "how my date was". I did not go on a date, and have not ever. He told me that he could just tell by my voice that I was going on a date. Huh? But in the interest of mystery, I did not confirm nor deny, only told him that I was going to only talk about the kids as he had asked. This seemed to really confuse him.
I was feeling positive when he called again this afternoon, out of the blue (unheard of for 4 months!) just to chat. I was friendly but wondering what he wanted. He mentioned that he was almost done getting the house refinanced so that my name would be off... something that was supposed to be done last May. Then he said he would like to help me look for a new house. In my mind, I was screaming "I don't want a new house, I want to live with you and my kids in our own house!" but I kept my mouth shut and just said thank you for letting me know. He offered to let the kids and I live in his house if he by chance moved out. (He has made this offer before, but said that it would be in lieu of child support since he is paying the mortgage. I can't afford that.) I said I didn't think we would probably take him up on that so he could have the clean break he wanted.
We hung up with no stalling on my part - I'm proud of me! It took every ounce of self-control I had not to call him back and beg him to reconsider before following though with the refinance. That is why I find myself here, journalling my story. I know that I have to give him the breathing room he needs. It is so hard for me because I felt like I spent 4 months rejecting his attempts to fix us (although I see now that it likely would not have worked then because of his EA and my lack of self-insight) and now I feel like I can't tell him enough how sorry I am, how much I unconditionally love him, and how important our family is to me. I believe in my heart that we will be together and it kills me to see him not even give me the chance to show him I have changed.
Sometimes we can't see the forest through the trees. If anyone has insight or words of wisdom for me, I would appreciate it. I have forgiven him (and me) and am now just trying to remain patient.
Hey Irish542....Good name by the way. Sounds like you have been doing a decent job except....'for the last 4 months trying to convince him' STOP this IMMEDIATELY. That is pursuing and it usually backfires especially doing it for 4 months. He asked 'how your date' was: Sounds to me like he is curious and fishing for info: Nice work on your part there. DO keep that up, but don't overdo it. He MIGHT be rethinking this whole deal, so do not corner him. Been a long day for me and did not absorb your entire post, so I'll be back and read it again when I have more brain cells to work with. hang in there, it sounds like you guys may have a shot.
Bearsfan, Thank you SO MUCH! Funny about my name... I'm not even Irish, but my husband (rather, ex-husband) is. I picked it up as a good password a long time ago and have used it ever since for lots of things because it's easy to remember.
I know that I have to stop convincing him. The ironic part is that if I look at my reaction when he backed off and let me think, I realized that I wanted to work it out. My brain knows that he needs this time and breathing room if he is going to come to the same conclusion. I just get overwhelmed by the feeling that he needs to hear it from me because I have not been one to say those things in the past. But I know he knows how I feel.
We have kids, so I do have to talk to him pretty much everyday anyway. He was coming to pick them up this morning - we are living with my parents right now - and I told him I was just heading out for a run after coming back from the gym. He didn't want to go in and get the kids (my mom finding out about the EA just a few days ago has him a little skittish) so I told him to stop when he saw me running and I would get in with him and go back and get them. He did, and the first comment he made was that I wasn't wearing enough clothes. Really? He asked me again about the date, I asked how he could tell by my voice that I had a date. He said I just sounded happy and I told him I WAS happy. Then dropped it. At the same time, he was coming from spending the night at his girlfriend's house with her kids. Reality check!
He was taking the kids to go work with him for the day, they did not want to go. He said it was "his" day and they had to. He ended up making my 8 yr old son go (although he was in tears about it) and letting my 10 yr old daughter stay.
Told him I was going to take our son to do an activity at the fair tomorrow night. He said he wanted to come and help. I told him not to worry, I could handle it and had people to help me if I needed it. That ticked him off, with him saying that he was not going to have another man helping his son do that. Again, really? He has his girlfriend helping my daughter with an activity and sees no problem with it, even telling me to stay away from the activity if it is "his" time. Seems to only be a problem if the situation is reversed.
I am here writing again because I need to talk it out and am doing my best not to contact him. He gives me mixed signals constantly, especially when I back off, but in the end it seems that his choice is to work things out with his girlfriend. Why can't I get that through my head? I am getting better though.
I can relate to your sitch. Briefly I had an EA, stopped when my H found out. My H then tried all sorts to get us working together which without realizing it I was resistant to. Looking back I had a major MLC/empty nest syndrome depression type of thing. Once I was out of that I was ready to start again with my H (a new relationship, not going back to how it was before). It was too late my H had already checked out. He now has OW who was my best friend, not sure whether it started before he left or after (could me mad not knowing but have learnt to let that go). I too can see the irony in the sitch. You have insight though, you know it works when you back off.
Do not try to convince him with words, it won’t work. My H told me that he could see the sense in what I was staying but didn’t want to do the work, it was too late.
You sound like you’re doing OK with the detaching/going dark. He seems interested, remain cautious though, you need to take things slowly at this stage. You have the advantage of kids which keeps you talking, always look/smell good when you meet. Also perhaps you should be developing interests outside of the marriage or GAL as they say here. You live with your parents so hopefully they are able to mind the kids a bit. Doesn’t have to be much just a couple of things that will surprise your H, hopefully spark an interest and give you both something to talk about other than kids.
You can't control him or what he does with the OW. And you shouldn't worry about what you have no control over - easier written than done I know.
Thank you Bonny! Wow, the last few days have been a rollercoaster. Thursday night he asked me to bring my daughter out to the house to him when we were done. I told him I would bring some pictures and video of the kids that they had been wanting to show him. My plan was to drop off and go.
When I got there, he complimented me on how I looked and asked if I would like a drink. I was confused, but said sure. I figured I would let him take the lead. We looked through the pictures together (a trip to Yellowstone that the kids and I took last month) then I told them to give me a kiss goodnight so I could go home and they could go to bed. He asked if I would stay and talk after they went to bed. Again, I said sure.
It gets stranger. He just talked and I let him. We talked a little about scheduling (which he said was his main issue to talk about) but it drifted off to talk about the OW. I told him that was not my business and I really didn't want to talk about it, then got up to leave. He came over and grabbed my hand, then pulled me over to sit on his lap. ?!?!?!?!?
He didn't even seem to realize what he was doing. He sat me in his lap, kept talking, touching my arms, my face, my hair, my mouth. I tried not to respond. I finally tried to lay my head on his shoulder, but he pushed me back as though I had come up on him from across the room. I started to stand up and he just adjusted me on his lap and kept talking.
That was MAJORLY confusing to me. Nothing else happened and we kept talking, mostly about his confusion and me responding about the things I have learned. I told him that this was his journey and no one could make it for him. He brought up the OW again and seemed concerned that we were going to have some kind of altercation in public somewhere (That's not me at all!)
At that point I told him that I had no control over him or his actions and he had no control over mine. I told him that I forgave him but that I still had a ways to go to forgive her. Then I left, thanking him for the nice evening.
You're doing a good job....let him do the pursuing. Geeeez. Second time he asked you about the 'date'?? Unreal! Are all of our ex's on here nuts?? Ok, don't try to overdo it with the "I'm happy" part. Because they will catch on if you do. You're doing all of the right things...sounds like he is really waffling here. I've also read not to be available every time he tries to contact you. You may want to implement that into your strategy. As someone told me...be mysterious, and if you have to tackle yourself to keep from trying to 'convince' him, then tackle yourself. He has doubts, so don't let the fish off the hook by pressuring him.
Honestly, I really AM happy. Finally. Not as happy as I would be if this were all resolved, but I have made changes in myself that I am happy about. I really am serene about pretty much everything else in my life. I am very blessed and this is in God's hands and in His time frame. Not mine!
I have stopped trying to convince him because we really were not in a happy marriage. We COULD be, but I'm scared that even though he says he won't go back to the old relationship, he might not be really willing to make the changes necessary. I know that I can make a big impact all by myself, and I have before. But all those worries will work themselves out in time. I don't need to worry about them now. I just need to stay patient.
I did take my kids to the fair and he came down to help my son with his activity. Lots of mutual friends were there and I think it freaked him out to be in public with me. I do look happy and I think some of his friends assumed we were working things out - in fact one asked him (he told me) and he said no. Our kids also got emotional when it was time for me to leave and he accused me of stirring up drama. He got very angry... major setback.
I tried not to react though, and tried to stay patient. Strangely again, he called the next day and asked if I had a good time last night. I wasn't sure what to say, so I just told him that I felt that it was a little too intense for him and I apologized for putting him in that position. He seemed surprised by that. He told me that he was going to back off with the OW and try to figure things out by himself (but I have heard that before.) I told him that there are a lot of people who care about him and want to help him through this. (I really think he is in a MLC.) He just needs to let them. Then I said goodbye.
Haven't talked to him since yesterday morning. Will probably see him at least briefly when he drops the kids at home this evening. I told him that I had a few plans for this week and offered to let him have the kids during that time. Didn't tell him what they were, although they are pretty boring. Yay for mystery!
Sounds like you're on the right track - keep it up.
Your H sounds confused and it's important that you give him the space the work it out in his own mind, remember no relationship talks whatsoever. When he drops the kids off keep it brief, let his anger yesterday wash over you - that's for him to deal with not you.
Thanks Bonny! He had the kids all weekend and I couldn't talk with them at all. I tried to assume that there was no cell service where they were and that was why. (Good for my PMA) He finally called after 9:30 Sunday night to tell me they were almost home. I was pretty mad but kept it in, just said thanks and asked to talk to the kids when he started telling me about his weekend. He said they were asleep and resumed telling me what they did. I was having a little trouble understanding him with the cell reception and did not respond much. I thought he was pausing and getting ready to get off so I said, "ok then, see you pretty soon" and he said "oh, ok, I'll let you go". Told him I didn't mean to cut him off... but I would see him later.
When he got here I went out and got the kids' bag, he brought them to the door, piggyback rides and hugs. I know this is the hardest part for him (them too). I think he may have asked if he could talk to me a minute but I didn't really hear him and he didn't say it again. Started to ask if he could have them tomorrow but I said I really wanted to be able to spend some time with them. Finally said their goodbyes and headed on his way. Trying not to wonder, but a part of me does... where did he spend the night after that?
I know that even if/when he decides that he wants to consider reconciliation, he will still have lots of things to work through. So I am staying patient. Not going to call him again until he calls me. Only reason I will call him tomorrow is if he has the kids and I want to talk to them. I will not let his confusion get me down. I have seen some positive changes and reactions in him and I will focus on those and appreciate them.
Wow Irish! Clearly he's thinking and confused. That lap thing is amazing!
My only advice (like I know wth I am talking about-ha!) is to be very sure of what your standards are for a new relationship. (Either with him or someone else.) Actually, I think the stakes/standards should be higher with him given the OW, etc.
Keep it up, girl- you're doing great!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
(That's not me at all!)