I have been over in newcomers since starting DB'ing in May. I recognize some of the posters on this forum - I have been reading but not posting here for the last few weeks.
I seem to have hit a somewhat stable (yet seemingly stagnant) plateau. W and I are very cordial around one another, still living in the same house (separate rooms), kids do not know of any problems. If you could see us at home, you would not know we were having any problems, until it comes time for bed, and we retreat to our separate bedrooms.
So, I have done what I think is a pretty good job stopping all pursuit, GAL'ing, getting back in shape, detaching, learning a lot about myself and becoming a happy, well adjusted person.
My question is when do you start piecing back the M? W and I have had NO R talks since me starting DB'ing in May. None. Of course, there has been no touching (sexual or non-sexual), no hugs no kisses, no ILY's.
In the last few weeks, I have seen what I think is my W starting to reach out to me. I think she is very scared to do this overtly (God that would be great) and she tests the waters when she does reach out, often leaving me wondering what just happened.
I would love to know if I am at a stage where piecing is the next thing for me to work on. If so, is it simply doing more DB'ing until she finally signals she is ready to work on the M? How much, if at all, should I push for teh R to move from friends back towards a M R?
Have you mentioned Retrouvaille to her? You can check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for locations and dates. Its a wonderful peer led program on marriage healing. It is not counseling. It is led by people who have had troubled marriages themselves, sharing their experiences and showing you how they solved their problems. By following the examples of people who have been where you are and moved beyond it to a much better stage of marriage, you and your wife can have a happy marriage too. It works. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce, and now we are proud of how well we get along.
One of the issues my W and I (probably me since I am the one leading right now) have to confront is where are we and where are we going. On the night my W dropped the bomb on me, I asked her to go to counseling. She said no, she had seen a C (unknown to me) for the prior 6 months and was done with that. Obviously, that was then, when I now understand she had a great deal of anger and hurt inside her. Things seem much different now. We are relaxed around each other, she acts like she is happy to be around me. But, it is like we are just good friends.
Since the bomb, I have DB'd my rear off, which has included no R talks, much less any talks about C. Early on (the last R talk we had, which was about 4-5 days after the bomb), I told her I was making some big changes in my life (which I have done) and that all I asked of her is that she give me enough time to SHOW her my changes (yes, I know I should have just done them, but this was pre-DB for me - I haven't discussed them since) before she made a final decision about D. That was the last time we discussed anything about our R, and that was in late April.
So, that gets back to my issue: if she has not indicated (overtly) that she is ready to work on our M (including C or a program like Retrouvaille), how do we get that issue out in the open. I have not tempreature checked the R, and have been very careful not to pursue. Is it too early for me to approach her about such a discussion. That's what I meant by the title of this thread (Is it time to start piecing).
TIME and PATIENCE. My current thread is in Piecing, but I've got a number of them in Infidelity. If you have time, go back and read some of them.
In a nutshell, my W had an A for about 6 months and then after I discovered it, she continued the A for another 3 months. Was planning on D'ing me and marrying OM after our youngest son was out of H.S. (same for OM's son).
The physical A ended when I exposed to OMW, but the EA continued. OM had moved a couple hundred miles away and immediately found a new GF, but W was still convinced their plan was in place. I caught her trying to arrange meets 3 or 4 times after I told OMW about it and when I discovered the last one, I told my kids what was going on and that I was going to file for divorce.
My youngest son shredded his mother, told her he'd never talk to her again if she got together with OM, etc. At this point it was all in her mind. OMW was filing for divorce as OM had at least 4 A's that she knew about and he'd moved on to the next GF, but my W just didn't get that he was using her.
So....A year ago last April, the A ended for good. I still feel there may be some contact between them, but it's been a long fight.
It took my W probably 2 months before she'd even talk to me (after I told the kids). At about the 4 month mark she started warming up some. At 5 months I broke the golden rule and had an R talk with her and she still didn't know whether she wanted to try or not. At 7 months we finally ML for the first time in almost a year and a half, but I think that scared the he!! out of her because there was a retreat. Christmas last year was good and we seemed like we were starting to connect some. Sometime around the middle of January we started to connect even more.
Just in the last couple months we've really begun to connect. W still hasn't said ILY and still doesn't wear her wedding rings, but she's talking about and making plans for our future, we ML on a semi regular basis (the last month or so it's been a weekly occurrence).
I haven't read your thread. I will when I get some time. But I'd be happy to answer any questions you have. If you W was involved with someone and it was a romantic type A, you're in for a long haul, and it's not for the faint of heart. I'll be the first to admit (and you can read my threads and see it yourself) that since I found out what was going on, I've been ready to quit many times. But something always gives me encouragement and I hang on a little longer.
We've still got a long way to go, but I feel now that if we don't make it, it will be because I'm not getting what I need, not anything my W is doing.
Hope this helps.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hope4us, you just laid out everything that Ive been thinking. I hope that I can be patient enough to make the progress that you have! I especially agree with the last thing that you said about if it doesnt work out, its your choice. It actually made me a little misty eyed!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Had a good trip with W and kids this week to Disney. But, still separate beds. Not really a surprise. Actually, it could be a clear indicator it is too early to move out of limboland.
That said, when we got in the car today to leave my in-laws and come home, W began making plans fo "our" next trip to Disney in October. Clearly, a good sign. But, the line in the sand, in the form of separate beds, is still very clearly present. I won't push on this but would love to see that change.
So, based on that, I will just keep plodding along patiently.
Thanks for the post. I will go back and read your posts. I do not think an A is involved in my sitch. I am not naive, it just doesn't feel that way, and I have looked for signs of it - there simply is NO evidence of it. Despite that, NOTHING would surprise me anymore.
As you will see from my post earlier tonight, I think the last few days have shown me I need to slow down and stock back up on patience. W keeps showing positive steps, but they remain baby steps. I will just keep reminding myself that time is my ally right now, even though it doesn't feel that way.
GIMA, My sitch is a big lesson in patience and baby steps. Sometimes those steps are so small I have to remind myself to look at where we were two years ago and see how much progress we've made.
I think with women, once they've made the decision to walk away, whether an A is involved or not, it takes a LONG time for them to trust their feelings enough to come back.
Just enjoy the small stuff, small steps, and detach yourself from the situation. I find my W responds best, even this far into it, when she feels me distancing myself from her. Not saying don't love her and care for her, but take what she's able to give now and don't worry about the rest. I know it's easier said than done, trust me, I know, but for me (and maybe you), it's the only way unless you're ready to give an ultimatum and accept that that might not turn out the way you want.
Hope this helps.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
