Been a while since I had a thread on here, but I have run into a snag and thought I would get some opinions on what to do.
Wife and I are doing great, really growing as a couple and all is well.
Took my two boys on a week long fishing trip and my wife stayed home. She went to a golf party with a lot of our mutual friends there.
Came back home excited to see her and bam I get the cold shoulder.
After we got the kids to bed she lays down and I ask her what is wrong? She says, "I am mad at you". I say, "why?" "Because your friends said that (Im paraphrasing)you and I do crazy sexual things together and I do not want people to think I am some sort of a nympho." I tell her that "I have done no such thing"(and I have not)and ask, "who spoke to her in this sexual manner."
She would not tell me, and she says, "if I ever speak this way again to anyone that I am out of the house". I said, "great I sure hope no one makes something up again or I am out of the house. I then tell her this whole thing is total bullshit.
OK,now this morning I am pissed, she wont tell me who spoke to her because she says they told her in confidence. But she is being nicer to me today, while I am still well, pissed.
OK, I thought I would go home and tell her, that I cannot apologize for something that I did not do, I cannot make you tell me who is speaking to you in this fashion, so I will try not to worry about the things that I cannot control.
She would not tell me, and she says, "if I ever speak this way again to anyone that I am out of the house". I said, "great I sure hope no one makes something up again or I am out of the house. I then tell her this whole thing is total bullshit.
Let your wife know that you would not speak like that since you know it will hurt her. Tell her you want to know who said this so you can defend her and your family. Explain that your love life is a private matter and your intimacy is something you only want to discuss with her. You need to set a boundary with your "buddy" who is talking. Stick up for and defend her.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks coach, I pretty much have said that to her, this time I will give it to her one more time except in a better more clear tone, and if she does not want to go further I will drop it all together.
It was nothing true between us, but she thinks I made it up to brag as if we did do the things she heard. confusing I guess but understand? She said she did not want people to think she is a nympho.
Update, she would not tell me who was saying these things to her, so I said I cannot make you tell me, and that I was sorry to be so upset, but it was frustrating to have someone talking lies about your wife and your wife will not let you put a stop to it.
I told her I will drop it alltogether now. And she has slowly slipped back into my wife again. Going to couples golf tonight should be fun.
Only thing that bothers me is that she does not say I love you to me. She says it back to me, but would really like to hear her say it to me unsolicited. I do not think she was ever a big I love you type of person, as her actions then as now show me the love for me, the touches and hugs and kisses that are unsolicited. What do you all think about this and how I am feeling about it.
Burt, I haven't followed your sitch, but your last comment/question ran pretty true for me. My W didn't say it first to me much before her A.
And my W hasn't said "I love you" now in almost two years, even when I say it to her. For all other intents and purposes, we're recovering nicely from her A. But it hits me hard that she can't/won't say it too. She shows me love, and when we ML now it's very passionate, but she can't bring herself to say it.
For me, I just have to decide if I can live like this. I'm hoping at some point she'll break down that last wall, but if she won't, am I ok with it? I will tell her at some point that I can't keep up without hearing those words from her, but if I do and she still can't, what will I do? Don't know.
I think you're in the same boat. I think what you're feeling is very real to you (and me too). Some might be ok with it, but if you're not, tell her. As long as you're in a place where you can have R talks with your W without it being a pressure sitch.
Hope that helps.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thanks Hope, yeah it does hurt me, and although we did not go through any kind of A, and I do not even remember if she use to say I love you first, but now I guess it comes down to me wanting the assurance from her that we are not going to go back to that place that almost wrecked our family>
I did bring it up to her about 2 weeks ago, after saying it to her a few times (she always responds to me I love you too). I told her it would be great for our R if you would say I love you to me every now and then, she then started repeating I love you I love you I love you, as if to say hey its no big deal I will say it all the time, but she has not said it since.
Again, she shows me love all of the time, and the relationship is now better than it was before, just me being paranoid I guess, but it does bother me that she does not see the importance of it to me.
I also, do not want to bring it up to her very often because I want it to be from her unprompted and not from me bitching about it. She has said it exactly one time, it was when I was giving her a neck rub and it just came out of her about 3 or 4 months ago, I was not expecting it and just blirted out, boy its been a long time since I have heard that. Should have made a big deal out of it, and should have showed more significance of how it feels to have her say it to me.
