Please give me your comments. Wife came home one day early from this weekend with other man. Said she missed us - daughters, but used the word miss you on the phone message. When I asked why she said other man's father "took a turn for the worse" he has cancer and wasn't to live more than a week or two. I'm thinking if that were the truth I would think she would want to spend more not less time with him? Then she said she would play it be ear because sometimes people rally and last another 2 weeks. So then she is being super nice to me. Whereas before she didn't want to eat with me she make me a favorite meal, favorite beer, sits and eats with me. Conversation about work and kids, smiles with direct eye contact. Then she tells me her sister here is also having problems with her husband and they are in counseling. I say "well at least they are working together on their marriage." Wife says - not necessarily if the sister's husband doesn't go back to counseling. I say "well I meant they are not where we are." Wife knows that I mean she has said all along she wants a divorce and is only agreed to a 90 day in house separation, but says she intends to pursue her affair and even if that doesn't work out other relationships too as part of her journey. They wife says, "Yes I see very slim hope for us." I say "I know what you think and I respect it, but I'm going to work on myself and correcting my problems regardless." Wife smiles warmly and says, "good."
Folks part of me says she is just buttering me up to get through the 90 days and then files for divorce, but another part of me from Divorce Remedy sees this as a positive relationship friendship building and I'm thinking of the case I read where the husband remained an unconditional friend to his wife who even moved out and she pursued another relationship for 4 months, but by his employing divorce busting techniques within 8 months she agreed to date husband, moved back in and they fell in love and are happy.
I would imagine your wife told him she was outed and he said lets cool it for a while i dont want my wife finding out.
so she comes home and is nice to you and cooks you a dinner so you think things might work out between you (that slim chance right?) but in reality she doesnt want you tracking down this other guy and she might get her feet rubbed.
but the whole disrepsect thing she rubs in your face, about other possible relationships, that might be a smokescreen to get your mind off of OM1, or she might just enjoy walking all over you.
Do you have a bunch of boxes to give her on day 89?
The other man is newly separated himself since Jan. His father is dying of cancer final weeks in the area where they went to high school. I think he is a predator type. I met him 10 years ago at her 20th reunion and he told me "I told my wife I might screw around on this trip." Should have seen my wife's face when I told her that. He lives in LA half a country away. If she does want to move out should I let her take only her personal belongings? What's in the house is joint property and unless we are divorced then...
How can you be sure. Isn't there a possibility that now that her affair is out in the open, she feels guilt, and other man from LA might not be willing to take her on full time?
My plan would be to be lovingly detached, build friendship and give her affair time to self-destruct, but if she moves out my boundary could be - then you don't take any community property, i.e. I don't agree with this and I'm not going to finance it. If you leave then you have to finance furniture, dishes, etc. and you have no more rights to come and go from our house - change locks, etc. If she files for divorce I would contest it.
Wife knows that I mean she has said all along she wants a divorce and is only agreed to a 90 day in house separation, but says she intends to pursue her affair and even if that doesn't work out other relationships too as part of her journey. They wife says, "Yes I see very slim hope for us." I say "I know what you think and I respect it . . .
You RESPECTher adultery??? Why?
Validation is one thing ("I can understand why this would feel right to you ..."), but telling her you RESPECT her cheating on you is just nauseating, I'm sorry.
I got angry and Wife and I had argument. I let her know I was NOT happy about infidelity and felt she betrayed us and used as an excuse to break up our relationship. She said she had been gone emotionally for some time and if it wasn't that she would have found something else. I reminded her she admitted last week she really didn't want to work on counseling 5 years ago. She said yes because she never saw a behavior change on my part. I reminded her there was some change. She said not enough and then she started to shut down emotionally. My coach says anger is not bad because it shows people still care about each other or they wouldn't bother. Later last night she asked to talk to me and was upset about the argument because daughter 9 had heard it. I apologized and said that was not my intent at all, but I just needed to make sure she understood I do NOT condone or approve of what she is doing, that I know she wants out and I want to make it work, that I know she wants me to move on to other people which is what she believes she is doing, but that's not how I'm made. I can't do that because I know I have to work on myself before I can be in any relationship and that I was sorry that she didn't know that about me or feel that because of my poor behavior in the bedroom, but that is truly me. She started to tear up a bit and I smiled at her. She smiled back. I asked "are you going to see him again." She said he is still in the area until Tue and she is going to see him Mon. I said, "that hurts, I hate this." She said "would you rather I lie to you?" I said no, but at least now she is crystal clear on my position. She said she probably wouldn't see him again for weeks because he will be going back to LA. She also said she was trusting me not to hurt her with this admission which my DB Coach says is progress that Wife is willing to tell me these things. She also said that my behavior was not making her feel close to me, but pushing her away and making her want to flee. I repeated that I was sorry, that was my true feelings and they came out the wrong way. That I am going to fix my issues regardless, and she repeated she really is happy about that and wants me to be happy. I am back to being lovingly detached, but MAN those emotions. I told her I just really needed her to know this is where I'm at. After we smiled at each other I said "you look cute, I've always loved that smile." Then I reminded her of what she has always said, "that she would never leave me for sex, but only for love." I said "Miss you would never leave me for sex, but only love, you realize you are leading with sex again with this other man don't you?" She smiled and said yes. So I have to believe at some level she knows this other relationship may not be healthy either just new and exciting. My hope is she won't fly to LA in several weeks to see him, but again, my Coach and Divorce Remedy remind me I cannot control her only work on myself, get strong and show her what a good thing she is leaving.
