The thing is you are NOT giving her an ultimatum. You are giving her the choice to do what she wants to do. But YOU don't have to let it control what YOU want to do. That's what a boundary is.
The thing is that she acted nice to you and you fell for it big time. So when she comes back after having sex with multiple men, are you going to let her do what she wants if she just says that you "look good"?
This then becomes a matter of taking care of the kids' needs. Do you really want them to have this as their example?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wife has left for the weekend with her 2 x divorced old college friend. Says it's baseball and then her friend's mom and dad's anniversary party.
If you read my previous posts you know I discovered, but didn't tell her she had packed her sexiest see through short night gowns, and bought new see through lace panties with tags still on them along with the new super short cocktail dress.
We had discussion last week with our marriage therapist that getting involved in either sex or relationship now only prevents growth we both know we need to work on ourselves before we can have a meaningful relationship with anyone. She confided to me that she didn't believe that was true.
Later in the week we discussed how I have never cheated on her in 17 years and wanted her to know that I also would not approve if she did while we are still married to which she replied, "that's good to know, but I can't promise you that if sex is offered I might not act on it." I said, "OK - you're a big girl and you're going to make up your own mind."
Here's my question.
As she left this morning we're in-house separation in different bedrooms. She came rambling through the kitchen with a large suitcase and briefcase for work I asked her if she wanted any help getting them out to the car.
She got defensive when last week she would have accepted she said "No! I can do it." OK! I said - no problem. That hurt. I was just trying to be nice.
When she came back in to say goodbye and hug daughter and me I said:
"Have a great time going out, I'm sure you will look great and get lot's of attention - smile. Be safe." She tells me to have fun and be safe when I go out myself.
She said "I will." Then she called me out of the house to talk alone for a minute and referred to our dinner conversation last night.
Our daughter 9 brought up how fun it would be to go to the Wisconsin Dells which doesn't require an airplane.
Daughter brought this up on her own. I said, "Well mommy and I have talked about taking you kids there in the past, maybe we can go sometime." That was it.
Wife says this morning "Don't talk about future plans what we might do as a family." I replied, "All I said was we had talked about it in the past. I didn't make any promises."
Then I brought up the fact that both daughters received 2 for 1 Six Flags theme park incentives for reading at school this past year, but they expire on Aug. 9. Daughter 9 has been asking how can we go because she knows mommy is away this weekend and next with her friends. And I have tried one other time to discuss with Wife, but she didn't want to. Wife says - I know "We will work that out." I say OK, but there is only next week and we haven't talked about it. She says "we will."
I feel like there is this power struggle going on here. Our daughters should be together to share the experience and both wife and I had talked about going. Wife with older daughter because they both like to ride roller coasters and me with younger daughter because we don't.
I know Wife is suffering from MLC and looking great, tanned, working out, ankle bracelets, and shopping for tattoo - classic MLC stuff, and she craves attention from other men because she's convinced herself I only wanted her for sex.
Yes - I brought some of this on myself by verbally fantasizing in the bedroom (my issue which I will work out with or without Wife in my life), but on her side she was right there with me and also enjoyed her sex, and we also had lots of cuddling without sex, a lot of other great loving activities with each other and our daughters (6, and 9).
I'm on the Divorce Busting track, but need your comments for a gut check.
Yesterday she had her first alone session with the therapist and came back with a hang dog look on her face. I'm pretty sure there's a guilt component there because she told me she didn't believe the therapist was right about how screwing around would prevent growth. Again - classic B.S.
I believe Wife thinks she can have her cake and eat it too.
What do you all think about these interactions and what I said to her as she left?
Final thought - I asked her yesterday if she was going to work with our daughter 6 who has some reading issues and we have a tutor working with her, but we are supposed to go over the material with the daughter. She said she would and then didn't do it. I told her I would try to carve out time today to do that, but I feel Wife is TOTALLY into herself.
Maybe I mishandled this morning. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.
17 years married Wife detonated nuclear bomb asking for Divorce July 6, 2009 Currently in-house separation for 3 months Wife says she is 99% sure she wants divorce I'm on Divorce Busting track 2 daughters 6, and 9 This is my 2nd marriage I was divorced 20 years ago married right out of college Wife 48 Me 49
Please help me with your comments. Discovered facts - wife had an affair this weekend. Lied to me about all of this for the past 2 months. I have set a firm boundary. She's been playing me. Thinking she could have her cake and eat it too and took advantage of my work on DB and friendship. I told her I have NOTHING more to say to her unless she comes clean about the whole thing.
Because before I felt I had to take her at her word that she was not pursuing this those were her words. Now that I have proof she's been lying and actually had sex with her old high school flame since her 30th high school class reunion on June 26 I feel VERY confident upping the ante. Either she really comes clean and tells the whole truth or I can't trust anything she says or does.
Proof is VERY solid. I wouldn't challenge her otherwise. She knows what she's been doing, and that even after she told me and the therapist she would be honest she used my loving friendship to lie about it and manipulate to get an advantage. Either she comes 100% clean and tells me all or I have no words for her.
