I decided to contact my W via text. I simply asked if I had any mail at her place. Maybe opening lines of communication will help resolve some matters and I can get some answers. If anything it puts me back in her head a little.
Drew, I don't know too much about FB, but can't she block you from accessing? What I wonder is why she would not block you if she was having an EA. Of course, she may not admit to herself that is what she's doing!
Is this the same high school friend she immediately began contacting after she left you? She could be in the initial stages of an EA. She was so vulnerable after all that stuff with her twin & BIL happened. It was plain she was looking for something to make her feel better....and she wasn't turning to her H.
I started out with the flirting and keeping everything fun. The OM wouldn't enjoy hearing a woman's woes b/c he only wants the fun side of her. That is how most of those types of men/women's R start.....by flirting. I would tell you not to worry about it and that you are being jealous, etc., if this had not been the same man she was intent on seeking out right after she left you (if it is the same).
You could confront her and tell her that you feel disrespected at seeing her openly flirt" with OM on FB where her friends, etc. can see it. However, she will more than likely tell you that 1) it is only friendship or 2)she is S from you and can do what she wants. A lot of people see themselves as being "free" when they are S.
You could ignore it and choose not to post anything to her on her FB as long as the flirty contact is being made with OM. I think you have to consider two things. First, you want to keep your respect and therefore you must decide if you are feeling jealousy or disrespected (probably both). Secondly, do you want to keep the door of communication with her open.....and would confronting her about this, close the door? Third, are you prepared to take the consequenses of confronting her if it does not go well? Remember, don't tell her anything you are not prepared to carry through.
What would you do or say if she said you were acting jealous and they were only friends? Would you feel as through you were standing there with your bare face hanging out? You don't want to storm in and act like a jealous outraged H when she sees herself S and independent of you. Of course you are jealous. I would hope my H would be jealous if I was doing that! However, jealousy isn't pretty and it sure did not look good on my H when I saw it! It is more impressive when a man can remain cool and operate out of a more positive emotion.
What if she thought you didn't care if she flirted with every man she ever knew? Heck, how about her entire high school? She seems to want to recapture her "past"......so why not? That's just an example of the different ways of trying to look at this situation.
To answer my own question about what would you do if you confronted her about an EA.......I think it would lead to a R talk and a quarl. Then you would probably be worse off than you are now in the stitch.....and nothing accomplished. You sound as if you are ready for a show-down and move on. However, Drew, try to sort your emotions and try to cool off before you decide on anything. When we act out of bad emotions, we usually mess up.
I probably haven't told you anything to help, but sometimes just having somebody to talk to helps get the steam off our chest, so keep talking until you feel better, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I realize it is still disrespectful that she is doing this and I also realize she may not even realize it is anything but innocent flirtation (btw it's the same guy and they are buddies from college). I thought about this a lot later today and I realize that at least right now I have to be the compassionate, detatched husband that just needs to work on himself. I very much want to keep the communication door open. And right now that is a more pressing problem than this possible EA. I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks and I asked her via text if I had mail there. I am sure I do. In fact my workplace mailed a paycheck to that address while I was gone on business. I can only hope that it is actually in the process of being forwarded since i sent that form in over a week ago if she isn't going to talk to me even about logistical matters. So yah um.. me getting paid is more important than focusing on what might be or might not be. I am not trying to assume what she is thinking but it looks like she is in full on escape mode.
Anyway, basically I do feel better about it today.
well never mind about that.. I got a text recently from my W stating that I did have mail there. I figured after a few hours I would respond saying I can get it on day X. I saw a picture of a painting she did of Kurt Vonnegut and it was fantastic. Think I should compliment her on that?
hmmm oh ok wasn't sure if complimenting someone else's art would be a bad thing but I was having 2nd thoughts about this anyway. She already knows I think she is a good artist. Thanks Sandi.
ok so I will be picking up my mail on Thursday. Since I initiated contact about logistical matters her texts have been pretty cold. To me 'coldness' toward a person is a passive-aggressive attempt at getting them to react. I plan to do the opposite and greet my W for the first time with confidence and cheer. If she wants to chat I will chat (but will end it first). If not I will get my mail and be on my merry way. If she asks about D I will repeat what I said per a db coach about not wanting it but not going against her free-will either. She gets to do the work on that little 'monkey' though. Anyway, I hope my acting skills are up to par because by no means have I detatched completely. It kind of sucks being fairly comfortable with db methods but not getting much opportunity to use them except in situations that involve myself or other ppl. Wish me luck!..
rough couple of days I have been over-analyzing everything and I partially attribute this to a new med I am getting used to. I also had intense dreams of my W the night before and in the dreams we were in a state of 'piecing' our R. I am not really sure to be happy or depressed about those dreams as they are just that.. only dreams. I do have an IC appointment today so I am looking forward to that and I had to bail on going to my W's to get mail because of a work schedule change. I am going by her workplace Fri. to go and get it. I am a little nervous but I do realize that this is not the same woman I married and I am going to do the best I can not to take anything I hear personally. Anyway, I am about to run before work and will be seeing a friend's band afterward so I am looking forward to that.
Yesterday, I went by W's workplace to get my mail. She met me outside and I said hello and asked her how work was treating her. She said it was fine and asked me how I was and I mentioned I was fine and about to go to a local coffee shop.
After a pause she stammered something which I couldn't hear, had a moment of looking perplexed and said bye. I said bye and she walked off to go back in her workplace. So yah that was a pretty short lived conversation but I know I acted calm and was pleasant. I noticed she got a haircut but didn't say anything about it.
I went to my IC yesterday and he talked to me about how long I would put up with the limbostate. He said whatever time limit I set on it I should hold myself to it. He also said that it appeared some anxiety was starting to creep in and maybe I should have one of my ADHD med's replaced with a long term anti anxiety med. He mentioned a new one on the market that was mild and thought I should bring the idea up with my dr.
I definitely felt the anxiety today. It was almost all consuming. Obviously, he is right and I need to address this or I am going to suffer even more so in this sitch and not be able to db as effectively.
I have been over-analyzing everything and I partially attribute this to a new med I am getting used to. I also had intense dreams of my W the night before and in the dreams we were in a state of 'piecing' our R. I am not really sure to be happy or depressed about those dreams as they are just that.. only dreams. I do have an IC appointment today so I am looking forward to that and I had to bail on going to my W's to get mail because of a work schedule change. I am going by her workplace Fri. to go and get it. I am a little nervous but I do realize that this is not the same woman I married and I am going to do the best I can not to take anything I hear personally. Anyway, I am about to run before work and will be seeing a friend's band afterward so I am looking forward to that.