One interesting thing I noticed was that in the last e-mail, she actually used the words "we" and "us" (meaning her and me). It may be nothing, but in her previous post-"I want a divorce" e-mails, she kept it very "you" and "I."
It's like trying to read tea leaves after drinking coffee or something.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
There's no way I can win on this. If I send her a gift/flowers/whatever, that just breaks the LR techniques and likely makes her mad about trying to "buy" her back or something.
But if I don't, she'll get angry that I forgot/ignored our anniversary.
I can't figure out which one is worse. She'll be angry either way, but which one will be the least worse option?
I'm new to the board, but your comment about anniversaries is something that I can relate to. Our 10th anniversary was in June. I bought a beautiful diamond anniversary band for her (we were on an up at that point). She told me YEARS ago, when we were young and couldn't afford it, that she wanted one for our 10th. I debated wether I should get it or not considering that we are on the verge of D.
Well...I shouldn't have gotten it. It was WAYYYY too much for her emotionally. We have essentially been on a down now for 2 months because of it.
I learned. For her B'day, I got her coffee cups and a DVD.
I suggest getting her something REALLY superficial/generic. Nothing romantic or expensive. There's my 2 cents.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I just got an e-mail asking if I was going to try to visit her and the kids for our anniversary. If so, she said she was going to disappear. Also, she said she does not want to talk to me on the phone at all.
She did ask me to send her copies of my pay stubs so she could look into insurance for the kids.
My reply was very mater of a fact. I said I was not planning on visiting next week and that I would get her the pay stubs ASAP. I also said I wanted to talk to the kids on the phone, if possible. I'm not sure if I should have said that last part though.
We'll see if she responds at all. This stinks. I know the reason she doesn't want to talk on the phone is that she knows if we actually talk, there's a good chance I can convince her to come back. But with no verbal communication, she's in her parents' thrall.
My reply was very mater of a fact. I said I was not planning on visiting next week and that I would get her the pay stubs ASAP. I also said I wanted to talk to the kids on the phone, if possible. I'm not sure if I should have said that last part though.
LW, You need to hone your LBS DB replies.
"Why would you assume I am coming out to see you, I have other plans for next week. I will send you the pay stubs when I can. I will call at ____ (time) each evening to talk to my children. When we need to talk about the kids, finances or other pertinent issues I will call you."
Don't let her tell you what you are going to do!
I don't think you have a chance of talking her back the way you currently let her dictate the terms of your relationship. Take action and lead. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
1. Part of her problem was that she feels I did too much "here's what I'm going to do, whether you want me to or not." I'm afraid she may take "I will" statements and me seizing the lead like those as me being the self that she wants to leave. I'm trying a 180 by giving her more control.
2. If I told her I was going to call to talk to the children, I'd never get to. Her parents are already screening calls through their phone mail - they have the phone turned off. The only way I'm going to get to talk to my kids on the phone is if she allows me.
3. However, I am making it quite clear in what little communications we do have that I'm busy, have a life, and am not sitting around depressed waiting for her to come back. I've started performing music in public again, something I haven't done for 5 - 6 years, for one thing. I tell the kids all about it in my letters to them - I have no idea if she's reading those as well.
The main problem is that, with her parents, she has all the control. It may work in my favor if it does go to court that she in essence lied to me to get the kids away from me, and then cut off all my contact, but I don't know.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
