My wife of 16 years and I have a conversation scheduled for Friday evening to talk about "how to move forward separately, what that means, how we do it and so on." She has been having an A with OW (we are gay couple) since November, that I found out about in Feb. She did not tell me about the A, when I asked if there was someone else, her response was "I don't want to talk about it- please turn off the light." I don't think she ever intended me to find out about the A at all.
Affair started when my wife was working a long term temporary job assignment in IL. We live in NJ. By her own words, she was living a "double life." In IL, she had this fun passionate relationship (although by her own admission, the OW is "not very attractive"), when she came home she had the stability of me & the house...
After I discovered the A, she came home for a few weeks, ostensibly to work on R. She told OW she could not see her "for the duration". After two days, she decided she didn't want R, and I discovered she had called OW since she had been home. She was having too much fun and getting too much attention (with no responsibility since it was a "casual affair") with the A to want to give it up. Giving up the A would have meant being alone again far from home, and giving up the social network she had formed in IL.
Though a few months ago she said the A was "not a long term thing", "I don't want to marry her", "I don't want to meet her family, and I don't want her to meet mine", since then she has said it "has progressed" and "she has fallen in love with her".
The long term job ended ended the end of May, and WW moved back home. However, she made it clear she was continuing the A. She was home 3 days and then went on 2 week vacation with OW, was home a week and a half and then spent 4th of July weekend with OW at a B&B two hours from here. OW came back with her to OUR TOWN last Sunday, and the two of them have been staying together at friend's house since. OW is unemployed, and I think now looking for job here. WW has introduced OW to our friends, introduced her to our DOG (no kids), showed her part of our art collection, etc. I think in WW's mind I am moving out, and she is going to move OW in (we own house jointly and are civilly unioned in NJ).
I thought we had a very good relationship- the envy of our friends gay or straight. We were very comfortable with each other, almost never fought, never got tired of spending time together, have similar interests, always loving and affectionate.
I think she is in mid-life crisis, as in addition to the A, in the last year she went skydiving on her 48th birthday and got a tattoo. Her behavior around the A has been incredibly selfish and thoughtless (definitely NOT the woman I have loved and lived with for 16 years)- for the last 5 days she and the OW (who lives 1200 miles away) have been staying at a friend's house less than a half mile from OUR house. She thinks she is being "considerate and sensitive" by not bringing OW TO our house. This thing has been all about HER-a fun relationship with no responsibility.
The separation is NOT my choice. I want to work on the relationship, but she is now "in love" with OW, and has not wanted to talk about R, even in the beginning when she said she did not see the affair as a "long term thing".
I am unsure how to treat her now... do I "go dark" and do no contact (after our meeting), or be her supportive "best friend" in hopes that when A blows up, she feels the door may be open to "something more" (a la the "While Your Spouse Decides" article on the front page).
Thoughts, please??
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
I am unsure how to treat her now... do I "go dark" and do no contact (after our meeting), or be her supportive "best friend" in hopes that when A blows up, she feels the door may be open to "something more" (a la the "While Your Spouse Decides" article on the front page).
Thoughts, please??
Sorry that you're here. Sounds like you're going through what so many of us here have been through. Getting through this is the hardest thing you'll ever do probably, but it also can make you into a stronger, better person too.
Have you gotten DR yet? I highly recommend that. Keep posting here, and feel free to post on other's threads too. I think you'll be surprised how much in common we seem to have and the kind of "script" the WAS seem to follow.
My personal opinion, and I'm someone that's had zero success with DBing my marriage btw, is that you should go dark. I tried the best friend thing, but I think both my H and I lost respect for me when I was doing that. I mean I don't think at this point your W deserves to be treated like a best friend and in an active A. I wouldn't even have that meeting with her. We always advise no R talk, I don't think anything productive will come out of that while she's in an active A, and likely will be extremely tough on you.
I'm still friendly to my H, way more than he deserves, but I NC as much as possible. Someone here (thanks again Kat) told me to treat your WAS like the mailman, friendly but not like a best buddy or anything. I think that's good advice. Karen
I wouldn't even have that meeting with her. We always advise no R talk, I don't think anything productive will come out of that while she's in an active A, and likely will be extremely tough on you. [/quote]
Speed read DR in the bookstore this evening. The only chapters appropriate to sitch as it stands (since she is not home to interact with) were 180 and "the Last Resort". Most of what Michelle recommends I have been doing, although with a little backsliding :-(
In the beginning, when I first found out, I did the typical hysterical crying & "how could you do this to me"? That lasted a few hours the first day, but she was already back in IL so did not see most of it. When I thought she was home to try R in Feb., I tried to reason with her & point out all that we had that was good, how much I had changed (now that I knew what she wanted), how much I would do to salvage relationship. She wasn't interested. Did 3 weeks of mostly NC when she went back to IL, although every time we spoke, it was because she called me, and she would say "you can call me, you know". We communicated mostly by text or e-mail, as I did not want to call her when she might be with OW.
I have never ranted or raved. I have remained calm and collected. I have tried to reason with her once or twice- let her know I thought our marriage was salvageable, we could get through this & be stronger on the other side, I could forgive her, I understood why the A happened (loneliness, anger at me, Mid-life crisis), etc. Our interactions have for the most part been friendly, but cool. It seems every time we have an evening where we are comfortable and it might feel like "old times", she would get uncomfortable (guilty? ambivalent?) and arrange not to be home the next few evenings when I was home. Now she has the "love nest" across the lake, and isn't coming home at all, except during the day when I am at work. She isn't been willing to give up the A, which of course is the non-negotiable point before trying R. And now she is thinking of rotating my "replacement" into my place in the house...
The talk is NOT about R- it is about the logistics of officially separating. I'm sure she saw a lawyer, and the atty opened her eyes to how much this could cost her if it got nasty, and advised her to try to work out an agreement with me. She's not going to be happy that I am going to refuse to move out of the house....
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
The talk is NOT about R- it is about the logistics of officially separating. I'm sure she saw a lawyer, and the atty opened her eyes to how much this could cost her if it got nasty, and advised her to try to work out an agreement with me. She's not going to be happy that I am going to refuse to move out of the house....
I think it will probably become about R even if you try to keep that out of it. I also think if this is about legal stuff, I think you should hire an L and let them work this out with her L. They will set it up for mediation to try to work it out. The only way you could work this out I think is if you didn't have any issues, but it sounds like you do. Anytime she tries to mention this, you can just say let's have the Ls deal with this, and that should help defuse any anger over this.
Yep, I tried the reasoning/logic too. I have NEVER seen this work around here. They are illogical and unreasonable when they are in active A, so they just hear, blah blah blah you're trying to keep me from being happy. It's a waste of time and energy so put the energy into you.
What kind of 180s or GALing have you planned? I'm a big believer in both. No matter what happens in the future, you will be much better off. Karen
Arwen - Sorry you are here. Are you still here? I have been on this site for about 2 years and it is extremely rare to find another gay person. I will read your story and post again soon. Hope things are better for you.
