disa&ella: Pain is eating me alive!

[ella]

Hi everyone - first of all, we thought we better introduce ourselves before we complicate things! We're the same person! No, kidding... (well sort of). Here's the story: My little sister, Disa, is living in Iceland and going through a nightmarish (they all are, of course) divorce. She desperately needs help and advice; the marital therapists (let's just call them "divorce therapists") she's seen in our home country seem to treat divorce as just a natural milestone in people's lives, an almost unavoidable phenomenon like pimples or menopause. I wanted to do everything possible to help her, so I went online in search of better answers and found this website.

Since English isn't Disa's 1st language, but I've lived in the States for a long time, we thought that perhaps I should just post for her or as her (we talk on the phone every day and are very close)and then she could read the advice. Well, we don't think that's going to work out so well, so this will be a joint effort; we decided that perhaps I would help out and add to her posts if and when she needs the help (I actually think she is doing great with her English! In any case, it's the language of the heart we speak here!) Anyway, I posted "as her" explaining her situation and thanks everyone for the replies you sent, both to me (ella) and her (disa).

Just a quick note about myself: besides being Disa's little sister, I am happily married (divorced once after having received from a "marriage" counselor the same knuckleheaded advice as my sister and her husband did; I had MLC and was handed a coupon to run away from my husband and child; it took me 2 years to snap out of it, and I can tell you that although I have a good life now, one never ceases to grieve) to an American husband, have 2 kids with him. I am a writer and also a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine, and I am planning to take one of Michele's seminars in Colorado for health professionals so I can counsel people in DB methods and hopefully eventually bring them to our country. (Disa is returning to school this fall, she signed up at the University of Iceland to get her degree in psychology I am so proud of her).

I just talked to Disa a minute ago and she is in agony. Her husband had just returned the kids from a week-long trip he took them on along with OW (they've not even filed for divorce yet and he's introduced his sl-t to the kids; he's going to forcefeed this relationship down their and everyone's throats come hell or high water. Every single article I've read on this subject suggest that people wait at least 6 months until after the divorce to introduce the kids to another person). Their older girls are very upset at their father; I think the boy (11), who is old enough to realize how much pain his mother is going through must be very angry and/or conflicted at his father.

What is so hard to take is the disrespect H shows Disa. It is as if he has lost all sense of empathy, it really is scary, the mindset he has acquired is almost sociopathic. I have known my extobe bro-in-law for 25 years, and he's been one of my best friends, a real mensch, and I don't say that about many people! The change that came over him was so sudden, it feels to those of us around them like a mental illness!

Please keep Disa in your prayers and give her advice (she is reading these so just address her. She feels so sad and is in so much pain. Right now H is behaving like a lovestruck teenager (his plans are to move in with OW next month), and the situation seems so hopeless to her. She constantly has one eye on his future, and what she is envisioning (and fearing) is a fairy tale existence for H and OW. The pain that causes her is literally eating her alive (she had to get medication because she couldn't hold any food in her body).

Thank you everyone.
ella

Disa 42
H 42
3D
1S
M 20 years
H left 1.09, OWbomb dropped then (A probably much longer)