Cautiously Optimistic

[steady]

No slamming for that hopeful. Sometimes we stretch to accommodate someone when it wasn't really what we needed to do. That's something you will have to decide for yourself. There's a lot about my 'old self' I liked so I kept that stuff around. Some things I did while DB'ing, like not making waves, that I got rid of because it doesn't promote a healthy relationship, but it's good for that stage of DB'ing until reconciliation comes up.

Your kids are close to the same age as mine. S-6, D-3. I feel the most for my kids as I move toward a separation and D.

Good luck to you.

[Done in VA]

Well, I am just here to give a little update! H finally moved out! woo hoo. Told the kids, we are all dealing. I met someone else 4 days after he told me he wanted to be separated at the end of July. Everyone will think I'm crazy, but I'm really happy. New guy is 24 - yep I'm officially a cougar! We are still seeing each other & have a great time together. He made me remember what I felt like before I got married. When I was a free spirit & took risks & chances. Love it. Nothing too serious just having fun. I am actually enjoying the single life. It's fun to be single at this age when I actually have confidence! It's nice to get attention from men wherever I go I just look at it as H's loss! I have lots of new friends & an active social life while still enjoying my kids. Financially things aren't great, but working themselves out. Sep agreement has been signed & house will be refinanced into my name only soon. There is life after a blow like this. Once the switch flipped in me to not care about my husband anymore...I remembered how to truly be happy again.

The funny thing is, once I stopped caring H started up on my butt. He never cared what I did before while I was working on the marriage, but suddenly he would see me laughing while on the phone or texting & ask what was so funny. He would try to tease me about other men. I think he is jealous bc my life goes on...I'm a happy person & although he is getting rid of me, he is still miserable! I have found rogaine & hair thinning shampoo in his room. He is really losing his hair now I noticed! He had to move in with his mom. He doesn't have much to look forward to in his life. I even hired a PI & he never was cheating. I'll never know what his problem was...I kept beating myself up saying what did I do wrong in this marriage?! I have finally made peace with knowing that I will never know what happened...sometimes the answer in life is "just because".

[fisherman]

I'll never know what his problem was...I kept beating myself up saying what did I do wrong in this marriage?! I have finally made peace with knowing that I will never know what happened...sometimes the answer in life is "just because".

How long did you actually take to try and understand his problems?

I met someone else 4 days after he told me he wanted to be separated at the end of July.

Ah...I see. Not very long at all.

You took HIS issues as a personal attack against. You failed to truely understand that this super shitty rollercoaster ride was the only way for him to deal with his past. Which btw he had no control over. This was how he was raised. I'm in no way making excuses for his poor behavior, nor am I passing judgement on you for the way you feel. Simply stating the obvious with a little help from you.

Everyone will think I'm crazy, but I'm really happy. New guy is 24 - yep I'm officially a cougar! We are still seeing each other & have a great time together. He made me remember what I felt like before I got married.

No...I don't think your crazy at all. I agree, it would be wonderful to return to the age of 24. Unfortunately this is impossible. These feelings are fleeting at best.

Careful.....We are in charge of our feelings. We ALLOW others to "make" us feel a certain way. See the pattern yet? You also allowed your H's issues to "make" you feel the opposite way.

When I was a free spirit & took risks & chances. Love it.

Ahh yes, the good old days. I loved'em. The excitement, the risks, the chances, hell yeah they were great!! I still like a bit of risk as well, however my perspective seemed to change everytime I would look at my two beautiful children and would come to the realization that those two little angels depend on me each and every day. What would happen to THEM if God forbid something were to happen to me while I was out trying to be young and free again?

I just look at it as H's loss!

Well you may be correct, but there are a couple of little ones who will be suffering a pretty big loss as well.

You took your H's issues personal. You failed to take the time to truely understand this.

I'm sure what I have said will most likely pisss you off. That really is not what I am intending to do. How can you say that you truly gave this a go when you met someone four freakin days after you got the bomb?

I have seen this scenario play out many many times and I'm willing to bet almost anything that your feelings about all of this will change in time after the newness wears off. Sounds to me like....for the moment, you have succeeded in fighting fire with fire.

Wishing you the best for you and your children. Take care.

[SoCo]

Did I read that right? 4 days? Wow, I couldn't even think of being in another R til I got all of my internal stuff sorted out. You might wanna rethink the really young deal. I am def gonna look for maturity and stability this time around.... I'm def not cut out to be a cougar.

[Done in VA]

How long did you actually take to try and understand his problems?

From the beginning I said I would give the situation 6 months and reevaluate. During those 6 months I did EVERYTHING I possibly could. I worked on me, I DB'd, I acted "as if", we went to marriage counseling, I had a DB coach, I prayed, I read books, I made our home as comfortable as possible.

Maybe other people have longer timeframes. Maybe my love is not unconditional. I just don't care. People always told me I would know when I got to that point & I kept asking how? how? Now I know. I never think about H anymore. The only way I can describe it is that I just don't care.

Ah...I see. Not very long at all.

I want to clarify here that the bomb was dropped back in Jan. I did not go find someone else 4 days after that. I gave this a good 6 months.

You failed to truely understand that this super shitty rollercoaster ride was the only way for him to deal with his past.

Once again, I don't care. It's his super shitty rollercoaster ride now...I've ridden it long enough & I've decided to get off.

What would happen to THEM if God forbid something were to happen to me while I was out trying to be young and free again?

I'm not saying I'm out skydiving while doing acid. I'm just having fun in my life again. I KNOW what I'm doing is chasing temporary highs right now...but guess what, they are better than permanent lows. I look back on my 6 months of trying to fix my marriage & work on myself, and while I liked myself all along, I wasn't ME anymore. I wasn't truly having fun. I laugh and smile all the time now...and it's not based on this new person in my life...it's based on me kicking my miserable H to the curb and refusing to let him suck me into his pathetic misery with him.

Do you know how nice it is to have this new guy tell me that he loves me? That the reason that he loves me is because of my personality, my spunk, the fact that I act like a tough girl on the outside, but underneath I am a super warm & caring person.

Guess what? H told me the reason he was leaving is that he just doesn't "like" me...he doesn't like my whole personality. That's why I could never change bc it wasn't just one aspect that needed to be changed. He didn't like me in general. He told me I was NOT a "warm & fuzzy" person. All the opposite things that someone else who has known me for less than three months can already tell about me!!! I'm not saying new guy is "truly in love". Who knows?! Maybe he thinks he is, maybe he really is...whatever. It is just so ironic that he described in me the very things H said are wrong!

I'm sure what I have said will most likely pisss you off.

I'm not pissed. I just don't want my kids to have to see a completely twisted & unhealthy relationship between their parents. It hurt my heart everytime we would sit as a family & watched tv together & H & I would be at opposite ends of the couch. That's not a loving home. This was not MY choice. I did the best I could with what I had & now it's time to step off. Honestly at this point if H came crawling back on his hands and knees groveling for me to take him back, I would have to say no.

[forward]

I think that being able to say that you did your best matters a lot. What matters is that you can close things out knowing that you have no regrets in that respect.