Cake eating WAW in MLC and EA part 2

[mulesqb]

cabbr - Stop worrying about what she wants. What do you want? How do you foresee this playing out so that you are satisfied? If your W has worked in the past, let your L know. They can prove that she is capable of working and that can help you in your case. And yes, they will tell her to get a job - and that is a benefit to you.

Legal fees are unavoidable. I can't tell you how bad mine have gotten. But so what, I have my kids. You can't put a price on that. If your W really has these grand visions of her life at some point she may see the kids as in the way of them. You want to make sure you have enough custody to shield them from that. And if she sees how serious you are about custody it may scare her a bit.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[mulesqb]

Mules,

Thanks. I've actually been repeating "strength and honor" to myself a lot lately. I think I first saw it on Coach's posts. It resonates.

I have not let her bait me, but it's not as if she is trying to do that. Mostly, we don't speak once the kids go to bed. I've been sullen at times - like just around the EA detonation, but other than that I've had a very even keel with my kids and her.

As far as a journal. Oh yeah. I've got about 175 pages so far - around 50 per month since April. It's amazing how much stuff you forget.

In general, my W is a good and loving Mother, but isn't good at enforcing consequences for bad behavior. There are a few minor things in respect to the kids where her judgment could be questioned, but no smoking gun stuff by any means. About the most you could say is that my older s9 is constantly questioning where she is going and why she doesn't want to do stuff with us together.

In so far as ugliness at home or front of the kids - not happening at all.

I'm careful not to divulge much of anything on legal strategy.

Thanks again for checking in.

Cabbr

Hey Cabbr - Unfortunately, once the legal process starts, that's when the baiting starts to become profound. Don't ever give her the chance to call the cops on you. If she gets you mad - find a way to get past it and get out of the room. MY STBX once closed our bedroom door and baited me to try and push past her to get it opened. I knew she had been hanging with a divorced friend who called the cops 7x on her ex. So I went into the closet, got my ipod and then went into our bathroom and locked the door. I ended up staying there for 45 minutes and took a shower. When I came out she was laying on our bed half asleep, so I then left the room. Sorry I am even bringing this stuff up. I would much rather discuss DB techniques and support you that way. It's just that some of what you wrote was very familiar.

And I think the more the process goes, the more bizarre she will get. My STBX parents are convinced that my STBX would take a way out of this if she could, but she is so stubborn and so far into it, she doesn't know what to do or how to do it.

Just keep your eyes and ears open and love your kids. I know you love your W so try to remember that and understand that for whatever reason, she needs to go through this. And she will and you will detach. And she will either figure things out or she won't. But you will be prepared for anything and you will be a better person from what you have learned.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[Steve McQueen]

i just wanted to comment on something mules said above, as i have been in this predicament, and it rots. I dont know everything about your situation but if there is an issue:

dont let yourself get baited into any heated argument and if they start acting really insane sit yourself next to your kids.
remember you dont have to talk and you can always walk away. 'play nice is the sandbox' is not always easy for the crazies sometimes you have to choose not to play or make sure there are others around you.

a couple months ago my wife decided to punch the living cxrap out of me while i was sleeping for what i believe was my son was coming to me when he was upset (or just wanted to play baseball with his dad????? idk) I had to file a police report and DIR, and explain the whole past situation to them. what the cops said to me was to be careful it is not uncommon that when a man has to get to this point that the wife is calling them constantly with similar complaints that they are required to act on. so true. my wife has tried to bait me so many times. stands in my way. hangs out in the doorway i need to go through, stares at me mumbling profanities. i sometimes think she is waiting for me to walk into her so she can take a dive down the stairs. i find myself locking the door and sitting next to my kids watching really dumb tv shows alot since then.

my wife's sister pulled some serious $hit on her husband. phoney assault charges, would start arguments then call the cops, if he was out on a friday night she even called the cops to report him drunk driving no matter what he was doing.

not to scare you. idk whats going on at your house, but i think when one starts ruining the fantasy of entitlement the craziness gets even crazier.

Steve

[Kittyfish]

These WW's on here kill me- and hell I was one at one time!

I would have never expected my exh to give me a divorce and support me financially at the same time!!

Big Girl Panties! Duh, if you can't afford to get a divorce and live on your own you're not entitled to a divorce! No in house separations, nada- and forget carrying on an affair. If you cannot afford to divorce under your own power then put your big girl panties on and deal with working on your marriage!

I gave him the house, the cars, most of the furnishings and I only asked for childcare expenses- not child support. If I was the one who wanted a divorce why should I be able to clean him out? My attorney wanted me to go for retirement and such because of the length of our marriage and I said no!

I could support myself financially- although he made three times what I make. I didn't ask him to cover a dang thing for me and wouldn't have- too much pride for that.

If they want to live like they lived before then they need to take a second or third job to have that lifestyle. What's fair for the kids is all they should get.

Sorry, rant over!

[CABBR]

And one more thing, CABBR...

don't you have plans to meet friends out for dinner and drinks tonight? I think you do.

Greek

Thank you Greek. You are a gem. Just now I had to go to my s9's rocket launch, so I'm a little delayed in responding.

Last night I had an opportunity to go out with some people from work. It sounded like a nice time, but I had to meet with my s9's pediatrician. I will try to get out some in the next few weeks. I've been really focusing on my sons, which is something my L advised as well.

Next week I am taking my boys to a lake house in NY for a couple of days with friends that have two boys the same ages and then heading to Long Island to go to the ocean.

Cabbr

[CABBR]

cabbr - Stop worrying about what she wants. What do you want? How do you foresee this playing out so that you are satisfied? If your W has worked in the past, let your L know. They can prove that she is capable of working and that can help you in your case. And yes, they will tell her to get a job - and that is a benefit to you.

Legal fees are unavoidable. I can't tell you how bad mine have gotten. But so what, I have my kids. You can't put a price on that. If your W really has these grand visions of her life at some point she may see the kids as in the way of them. You want to make sure you have enough custody to shield them from that. And if she sees how serious you are about custody it may scare her a bit.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Mules,

My W had a very successful career prior to kids, but has not worked in about 10 years. My L indicated the same thing, i.e. she can and should work.

Assuming this goes where it appears to be headed, I would like to have at least 50% legal and physical custody and retain the house. The only question with custody is that since I work full time, my time is not as flexible as a SAHM. The house may be a long shot, but obviously the kids are what's most important. Beyond that not having to pay support to her for more than a few years would be preferable. At this point, I really haven't flushed these issues out in any depth with my L. Things have been moving fast lately. I'm just coming up on 4 months post bomb.

She definitely wants her independence from me, but my W is pretty responsible as a Mother. She is certainly making time for herself to do things and sharing baby sitting with friends to enable her to do things.

[CABBR]

Mules,

Thanks. I've actually been repeating "strength and honor" to myself a lot lately. I think I first saw it on Coach's posts. It resonates.

I have not let her bait me, but it's not as if she is trying to do that. Mostly, we don't speak once the kids go to bed. I've been sullen at times - like just around the EA detonation, but other than that I've had a very even keel with my kids and her.

As far as a journal. Oh yeah. I've got about 175 pages so far - around 50 per month since April. It's amazing how much stuff you forget.

In general, my W is a good and loving Mother, but isn't good at enforcing consequences for bad behavior. There are a few minor things in respect to the kids where her judgment could be questioned, but no smoking gun stuff by any means. About the most you could say is that my older s9 is constantly questioning where she is going and why she doesn't want to do stuff with us together.

In so far as ugliness at home or front of the kids - not happening at all.

I'm careful not to divulge much of anything on legal strategy.

Thanks again for checking in.

Cabbr

Hey Cabbr - Unfortunately, once the legal process starts, that's when the baiting starts to become profound. Don't ever give her the chance to call the cops on you. If she gets you mad - find a way to get past it and get out of the room. MY STBX once closed our bedroom door and baited me to try and push past her to get it opened. I knew she had been hanging with a divorced friend who called the cops 7x on her ex. So I went into the closet, got my ipod and then went into our bathroom and locked the door. I ended up staying there for 45 minutes and took a shower. When I came out she was laying on our bed half asleep, so I then left the room. Sorry I am even bringing this stuff up. I would much rather discuss DB techniques and support you that way. It's just that some of what you wrote was very familiar.

And I think the more the process goes, the more bizarre she will get. My STBX parents are convinced that my STBX would take a way out of this if she could, but she is so stubborn and so far into it, she doesn't know what to do or how to do it.

Just keep your eyes and ears open and love your kids. I know you love your W so try to remember that and understand that for whatever reason, she needs to go through this. And she will and you will detach. And she will either figure things out or she won't. But you will be prepared for anything and you will be a better person from what you have learned.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Thanks Mules.

I suppose anything is possible. But my W has never been one to explode about anything or bait me into a fight. She tends to avoid any type of conflict. She has absolutely no basis for any type of abuse and I don't intend to create one.

We really have little to no interaction once the kids are in bed. She either leaves the house to hang out with her friends or goes in the basement (where she sleeps). When I do speak with her she is making a concerted effort to be civil.

Cabbr

[CABBR]

i just wanted to comment on something mules said above, as i have been in this predicament, and it rots. I dont know everything about your situation but if there is an issue:

dont let yourself get baited into any heated argument and if they start acting really insane sit yourself next to your kids.
remember you dont have to talk and you can always walk away. 'play nice is the sandbox' is not always easy for the crazies sometimes you have to choose not to play or make sure there are others around you.

a couple months ago my wife decided to punch the living cxrap out of me while i was sleeping for what i believe was my son was coming to me when he was upset (or just wanted to play baseball with his dad????? idk) I had to file a police report and DIR, and explain the whole past situation to them. what the cops said to me was to be careful it is not uncommon that when a man has to get to this point that the wife is calling them constantly with similar complaints that they are required to act on. so true. my wife has tried to bait me so many times. stands in my way. hangs out in the doorway i need to go through, stares at me mumbling profanities. i sometimes think she is waiting for me to walk into her so she can take a dive down the stairs. i find myself locking the door and sitting next to my kids watching really dumb tv shows alot since then.

my wife's sister pulled some serious $hit on her husband. phoney assault charges, would start arguments then call the cops, if he was out on a friday night she even called the cops to report him drunk driving no matter what he was doing.

not to scare you. idk whats going on at your house, but i think when one starts ruining the fantasy of entitlement the craziness gets even crazier.

Steve

Steve,

Aside from losing her mind when I exposed the EA. My W has not exhibited anything like what you describe and she is smart not to. Although her anger over the exposure was to me really odd. Here I am trying to remove the threat of OM from our marriage and she's accusing me of ruining someone else's life. In that sense the entitlement beast was in full bloom.

Cabbr

[mulesqb]

i just wanted to comment on something mules said above, as i have been in this predicament, and it rots. I dont know everything about your situation but if there is an issue:

dont let yourself get baited into any heated argument and if they start acting really insane sit yourself next to your kids.
remember you dont have to talk and you can always walk away. 'play nice is the sandbox' is not always easy for the crazies sometimes you have to choose not to play or make sure there are others around you.

a couple months ago my wife decided to punch the living cxrap out of me while i was sleeping for what i believe was my son was coming to me when he was upset (or just wanted to play baseball with his dad????? idk) I had to file a police report and DIR, and explain the whole past situation to them. what the cops said to me was to be careful it is not uncommon that when a man has to get to this point that the wife is calling them constantly with similar complaints that they are required to act on. so true. my wife has tried to bait me so many times. stands in my way. hangs out in the doorway i need to go through, stares at me mumbling profanities. i sometimes think she is waiting for me to walk into her so she can take a dive down the stairs. i find myself locking the door and sitting next to my kids watching really dumb tv shows alot since then.

my wife's sister pulled some serious $hit on her husband. phoney assault charges, would start arguments then call the cops, if he was out on a friday night she even called the cops to report him drunk driving no matter what he was doing.

not to scare you. idk whats going on at your house, but i think when one starts ruining the fantasy of entitlement the craziness gets even crazier.

Steve

Steve - sorry to hear that. It gets bizarre. The problem is these stories get out and people talk to each other and tell each other what worked for them. I am aware of lawyers that have instructed female clients to do just what you describe above. it's sick. My question is than who is looking out for the children?? I s baiting your spouse into something and faking it, good for the children?? Some of this stuff is just insane and sickening.

Strength and Honor, bro. Will pray for you.

Mules

[mulesqb]

Mules,

Thanks. I've actually been repeating "strength and honor" to myself a lot lately. I think I first saw it on Coach's posts. It resonates.

I have not let her bait me, but it's not as if she is trying to do that. Mostly, we don't speak once the kids go to bed. I've been sullen at times - like just around the EA detonation, but other than that I've had a very even keel with my kids and her.

As far as a journal. Oh yeah. I've got about 175 pages so far - around 50 per month since April. It's amazing how much stuff you forget.

In general, my W is a good and loving Mother, but isn't good at enforcing consequences for bad behavior. There are a few minor things in respect to the kids where her judgment could be questioned, but no smoking gun stuff by any means. About the most you could say is that my older s9 is constantly questioning where she is going and why she doesn't want to do stuff with us together.

In so far as ugliness at home or front of the kids - not happening at all.

I'm careful not to divulge much of anything on legal strategy.

Thanks again for checking in.

Cabbr

Hey Cabbr - Unfortunately, once the legal process starts, that's when the baiting starts to become profound. Don't ever give her the chance to call the cops on you. If she gets you mad - find a way to get past it and get out of the room. MY STBX once closed our bedroom door and baited me to try and push past her to get it opened. I knew she had been hanging with a divorced friend who called the cops 7x on her ex. So I went into the closet, got my ipod and then went into our bathroom and locked the door. I ended up staying there for 45 minutes and took a shower. When I came out she was laying on our bed half asleep, so I then left the room. Sorry I am even bringing this stuff up. I would much rather discuss DB techniques and support you that way. It's just that some of what you wrote was very familiar.

And I think the more the process goes, the more bizarre she will get. My STBX parents are convinced that my STBX would take a way out of this if she could, but she is so stubborn and so far into it, she doesn't know what to do or how to do it.

Just keep your eyes and ears open and love your kids. I know you love your W so try to remember that and understand that for whatever reason, she needs to go through this. And she will and you will detach. And she will either figure things out or she won't. But you will be prepared for anything and you will be a better person from what you have learned.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Thanks Mules.

I suppose anything is possible. But my W has never been one to explode about anything or bait me into a fight. She tends to avoid any type of conflict. She has absolutely no basis for any type of abuse and I don't intend to create one.

We really have little to no interaction once the kids are in bed. She either leaves the house to hang out with her friends or goes in the basement (where she sleeps). When I do speak with her she is making a concerted effort to be civil.

Cabbr

Cabbr - Are any of her friends divorced that she in hanging with?? Have any of them had what they consider very successful settlements? I'm really sorry to bring all this up. I just want you to be aware of what could happen so if it does come up, you are prepared and don't fall for anything. This process can turn good people into something else. And again, I'm sorry - I really would rather you discuss DBing with everyone here, but since you are at this point, I just wanted you to be prepared.

Strength and Honor.

Mules