Ok, so here I am 18 months after the bomb. We have been divorced now for 5 months. We are friends and we have been going out about once a week for a month (lunch, errands, bike rides). We are starting tennis lessons in a day (once a week). My ex W says she likes to do stuff with me (I initiate mostly) but that we are just friends. So....how do I move from here? Let's hear from you WAWs.
Thanks
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Well, you know about 10-15% of couples that divorce, do get remarried! Have you talked to one of our coaches yet? They are experts on how to develop an action-plan to get your relationship back on a different track. One that could include romance!
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Wow, I forgot about that idea. That's strange: My ex and I were friends for awhile until the day hit and then we argued and have not spoken since although I know I can get back to that level because her daughter said she would help me if I wanted it. Not trying to hijack here, but the coach idea turned on a light bulb. Oh: Always have wanted to see Canada, specifically Toronto, maybe Montreal. Keep reading how nice it is there. Have to get a new passport, and some...dough. Income has been fluctuating. Yeah, that's crazy how they want to be friends and such. I did get frustrated with the once in awhile get-togethers and no real closeness which was part of the reason for our fight so in your case, before you make the same mistake as me....be careful is all I can add because I have NO clue regarding the dynamics of these situations. I hope it works out for you.
Yep bearsfan that is exactly where this all netted out for me. We have been playing tennis, going out for lunch, bicycle rides etc each week for the past 5 weeks. Each time we went out she kept saying fo me to keep my feelings in check as we were just going out as friends. I finally snapped and told her I would only continue to go out with her if we were on the same page. I wanted to spend time getting to know each other again and see if feelings grew. She said she knew that feelings for her would not grow at all. Then she pushed it back at me and said she wanted to continue to hang out and that I had to decide what I wanted to do. I told her no thanks. I want to spend my time with someone that has potencial to grow into something. I have been DBing for over a year and I just got burnt out. So I am dropping the rope and moving on. If she comes around I can evalute how I feel then. I don't expect her to come around ever though.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Yeah....I got the same type of response from my ex. I said some sarcastic things, mainly about wasting my time, looking like a lap dog, that kind of thing. Not sure what a DB coach would say to that. Definite minus for losing my composure though. Hey, you never know. I remember reading a part how people change their minds and there's a guy, lovenomatterwhat on here who was totally out of the running and things changed. Look up his story. It's quite a read.
Hello bearsfan, I have read his story. he is a lucky man and was really patient. His W intiated some of the times they went out so in some ways there was a tiny bit of hope. My ex has never initiated anything It has all been done by me. Yes, she likes to do things with me but it's hard to be constantly told to manage your expectations. I know I should have continued to DB with her but it was too painful. All my friends that are divorced suggested that I need to try to move on and that maybe she might have a change of mind once that starts to happen. So there is where I sit now. It's really hard to not hear from her but she knows I love her. She has seen many changes. If she is interested she might come around. But I can't have my life on hold anymore.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Ahhhh, and there's the rub: Word of advice: Your friends are NOT going to be much help. Trust me on this one. IF you stay in the fight, it will be a lonely one for you. Most people follow the 'pack'. In other words, they go along with what others suggest or tell them to do. I've heard the same stuff myself, and people like those of us on this entire forum probably look nuts to the others out there who just pack it in....and maybe we are nuts. BUT...that is for the individual to decide. I've heard: "get over it", "go to the bar and get a girl', etc. Not trying to brag, but I'm a good-looking guy with smarts and a sense of humor. I would not have much trouble whatsoever with 'getting a girl'. I sometimes think that I have gone at least partially insane with this 'not giving up'. Plus, she DOES have issues and I don't say that just to boost my ego. On the other hand, the DBing IS HARD. And if you're not prepared, you can get overwhelmed....no doubt. In your case, maybe go dark unless it involves talking about the kids. The fact that she knows you still love her is both good AND bad. I don't want to fill your head with too much info as my situation is similar to yours. Bottom line is do what YOU want to do, not what others suggest.
Also: You're divorce is still new, just like mine. I don't know your details except for what is posted on this thread. Again, in your case, like mine, MAYBE it is better that you back down and kind of recharge the mental batteries because this can wear you down mentally. I'm not trying to lean you either way as I have made my share of mistakes but I will reiterate this: Do what YOU think you should do. Or hey, try the coach. If I had the dough right now, I would do it, but I'm a bit broke for the next few weeks. It is pricey, yeah, but you have to decide if the dough is worth the gamble. I have most of the DB stuff down, but I still make mistakes with my game plan...I'm inconsistent and I have a temper(big mouth), although I have been working on that. The guy that I mentioned, lovenomatterwhat, yeah, look at the hell he went through. You or I could wind up like him...or not, but make no mistake, it is no easy haul. The book warns you about this too. I've accomplished a fairly decent amount throughout life, have had my ups and downs. You have to be a good boxer in this life: You had better not have a glass jaw. I've been knocked down many a time, but so far have always gotten up and kept fighting for what I want: be it to have enough to go on a trip, work harder to make more money, etc. Sometimes I lay on the mat and wait for the 9 count and then get up. I'm rambling, but I hope you catch my meaning in all of this.
Hi there, Thanks so much for talking to me about this. I have no problem saying that I am hurting really badly right now.
I have decided to try going dark and just talk about the kids. I was not the ideal husband, like all of us on here. I have worked so hard to change. I went to IC for 6 months, almost died on a trek to Mt. Everest, have shown my ex appreciation, love, caring and became the most dedicated father to my 2 children. She knows and acknowledges it.
I have worked so very hard to get us to the point of wanting to spend time together etc. How much more can I possible do? I would work for the rest of my life with her BUT at this point she has no interest and has moved on. She is from an affluent family so she has everything she needs...a new house, a new cottage and a ton of new friends. I guess she sees no value in me and/or the family being together. I take my kids everywhere. We go on trips, we go to the cottage, I have taught them to snow and water ski etc. etc. Every time I do something fantastic with the kids I have tears. I have tears that my ex is not there with us. But what am I supposed to do at this point? I am the only one that feels the way I do. The difference between lovenomaterwhat's situation and mine is that his wife DID initiate. My has not. I am a great guy with faults like everyone. I just will NEVER understand why my ex, given the situation to make this great, has no interest to even try to talk to me about it. She was a WAW and never said a word before she left and has since never said a word other than "I let her down". Yes, I get I let her down but why no discussion and opportunity to make things great? Hurting big time !!!!!
Last edited by whitneypinch; 07/21/0902:36 PM.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I hear you boss. It's a day to day struggle for me also. Your divorce is still recent. Just lay low. And DO NOT do anything that can damage your chances, specifically getting into an argument with her. Watch out for that trap. That is where I have shot myself in the foot...a few times. She gets me every time. Hurting.......oh yeah.. Throw me into a ring with Mike Tyson for say 3 rounds, multiply that beating by 10 and it still comes up short of the beating that you take from this stuff. Ok, so what's Canada like?
