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Hey Ant,

Quote:
On the contrary, I was the root cause of most of them!
And I've beat myself up for over a year now, and it hasn't helped the situation one bit. And I've eaten alot of sh!t from her too during this time...tons of it! I validated, and I owned it. I had to be honest with myself though in order to get better and learn.
Don't you think it's been enough time of validating and eating plate after plate of sh!t?


Your not alone in this, as I had many of the same behaviors as you in my MR, so I understand how you feel.

But, GIMA is right, He has some great advice above. You're continuing to focus on this, is a road to depression. You must learn to forgive yourself for this, and acknowledge and accept where you are right now.

I understand the hurt my STBXW was dealt by things I did, as I am sure you did. The only thing we can do is accept they have made the decision they have made for themselves compassionately.

What your W has done, has opened your eyes to be a better man. That is a positive. Start there, and make more positive steps. GAL, take up things you have always wanted to do for you.

Read those books, go to IC, do the things suggested every day, every minute if you have to, and you'll start to get some more perspective on yourself.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Originally Posted By: antlers
I do need a healthy dose of self-esteem, but it's hard to get it when so many important things in your life are so messed up! - antlers


This is victim speak. Victims say things are done to them. - GIMA



On the contrary, I was the root cause of most of them!
And I've beat myself up for over a year now, and it hasn't helped the situation one bit. And I've eaten alot of sh!t from her too during this time...tons of it! I validated, and I owned it. I had to be honest with myself though in order to get better and learn.
Don't you think it's been enough time of validating and eating plate after plate of sh!t?



Man, it is NEVER just 1 person who brings about a D (unless you are talking about abuse/chronic infidelity/substance abuse). Own your part, and I mean 50%, make your needed changes, then forgive yourself. As much as you want to, you cannot change the past.

Another thought for you. If you made the changes you needed to make, and she still doesn't want you, what does that tell you? Maybe YOU are less a part of the reason she is unhappy than you thought. And maybe, if you had been the H she claims she wanted over the years, she would still be where she is today.

At a certain point, after enough plates of sh1t, you just have to say enough, I've done all I can. And if that's not good enough for you, I cannot help you out of your unhappiness.

What has your W done to work on the M? Has she changed at all? Has she lifted a finger to improve the things she, no doubt, needs to change?

Think it through man.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
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Hey iwantittowork.

I believe I have truly forgiven myself a lot, and I'm still working on that. Just having a hard time letting it go. I want to fix it, and I can't. I'm accepting of where I'm at, and I acknowledge it...I just don't like it. Yeah, she was hurt by plenty. I can't take it back...wish I could. Yeah, my eyes have been opened to be a better man alright. Should've done it years ago.
Just trying to get used to the finality of it, and dealing with the thoughts of me being by myself for a long time, and maybe not being able to do as good as her in the future. They may be irrational thoughts, but right now they are the kind of thoughts I'm having.

Thanks man.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Hi GIMA.

It was mostly me man. I was angry, resentful, and verbally and emotionally abusive. I do own it, all of what I was and did. I have, and continue, to make changes. I've forgiven myself a bunch, and am still working on it. Nope, I can't change it or take it back. Wish I could though.

I know that at a certain point, you have to realize you've done all you can. I have done that...it's just hard to choke it down.

All of this crap is just hard to accept, although it's a reality.

Thanks GIMA.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Hey Ant,

Quote:
Just trying to get used to the finality of it, and dealing with the thoughts of me being by myself for a long time,


This is where mindfulness and Learned Optimism can help you.

Couple ways I look at thoughts like these, as we all have them, especially us LBS.

1) Ultimately, we are always alone, we share our experience with others, and would like to share it with people we love, but we create a 'reality' and image of people that is our interpretation of someone. You can never truly be or know anyone but yourself. That's evident in our sitch's where we thought we new everything about our spouses, but we didn't. Thinking about that, it seems kind of 'heavy' but that has helped me in grappling with the reality of where we are.

2) Your thoughts like these are just thoughts, they are NOT reality, they exist only in your mind. You can not predict the future, so how do you know you will be by yourself for a long time? You can't.

Quote:
They may be irrational thoughts, but right now they are the kind of thoughts I'm having.


Just thoughts. Accept them as they come, and let them pass through, or you'll stay stuck here.

Repeat:

You can not change the past.

You can not predict the future.

You exist only in the present. Stay in the present.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Hi Antlers,

While I can realate to your wife position to some extent, (she has much healing to do in her 'new life)

I will also share.. comparing where you are at & where my StBX is at is like night & day.

I will share that DB'ers like you & Distressed67 give spouses like me who were/are married to spouses like you & him used to be & my StBX still are, you give us "hope" that significant positive changes are possible and sustainable.

Blessings to you & your family as during this special time of year.

Peace
Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

http://tinyurl.com/ybqkan8 = Current Thread

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Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Hi Antlers,

While I can realate to your wife position to some extent, (she has much healing to do in her 'new life)

I will also share.. comparing where you are at & where my StBX is at is like night & day.

I will share that DB'ers like you & Distressed67 give spouses like me who were/are married to spouses like you & him used to be & my StBX still are, you give us "hope" that significant positive changes are possible and sustainable.

Blessings to you & your family as during this special time of year.

Peace
Bridge


My God! Bridgestone! You have no idea how much I needed to hear that, right now! Especially from someone like you! Things have been incredibly difficult recently, particularly with the kids! They are raking me over the coals! And their mother is encouraging it! It's like nobody believes in me but me! Thank you for this! I have to go, but I will post later to you. Thank you Bridge.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
Hi Antlers,

While I can realate to your wife position to some extent, (she has much healing to do in her 'new life)

I will also share.. comparing where you are at & where my StBX is at is like night & day.

I will share that DB'ers like you & Distressed67 give spouses like me who were/are married to spouses like you & him used to be & my StBX still are, you give us "hope" that significant positive changes are possible and sustainable.

Blessings to you & your family as during this special time of year.

Peace
Bridge


Hello Bridgestone.

Sorry about the emotional post this morning, but I was down and out...and your post was a blessing to me. I had a hard night (no sleep) because things are such a mess, especially with my kids and I. They are emotional wrecks, and they are treating me like I used to treat their mother and them. If God gave me wings and a halo, she still wouldn't believe that I had changed one bit! You realizing that "significant positive changes are possible and sustainable" means a whole bunch to me. Thank you for your blessing. I'm sorry for you Bridgestone, that you had to walk on eggshells for so long because of an angry, abusive, and resentful spouse. I know firsthand what kind of damage that treatment causes.

Your feedback/posts have always been especially helpful to me, and I hope I can return the benefits. Your insight was/is important to me because of the similarities between you and her (because of the way you both were treated). If I can be of benefit to you because of similarities between him and I (because of the way we treated our loved ones), I'll gladly do it.

As always, I'm thankful for you...I just wish I could hear from you more often.

Thank you again for your post...you've no idea how important it was to me.


Happy Holidays, and a happy life to you.

antlers


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Hi Antlers,
I just wanted to stop in and say hello and that my heart goes out to you. You are clearly a wonderful and insightful person and I have no doubt that good karma will come your way in due time. I followed along w you on the detachment post awhile back, as I've also been struggling to really get there. There are days and weeks when I feel I've got it, and then backtrack again. Some similarities in our situations in that I also did and said hurtful things and acted out a lot in my marriage - and pushed H away (according to him, which is so hurtful to hear even now, just days after getting D papers, when we've both contibuted to our sitch). I know how frustrating it is when you've made so many positive changes and it makes no difference to your spouse. I also feel your pain and loss. I wish I had comforting words or a magic want to help soothe the pain, but I guess it's something we just have to go through. Do you feel you backtrack as well at times? I felt just weeks ago like I'd be 'ok regardless of outcome' and now I'm having trouble visioning ever finding love again. Hopefully it will come again in time, we just have to believe that it will and in the meantime we focus on healing, being the best we can be, and loving ourselves. The self-blame is the worst. We did the best we could with what we had at the time, and sometimes we couldn't help ourselves, we didn't have the right tools then...and Spouse did hurtful things in both of our marriages too, I'm sure. It's never just one or the other...

I wish you peace and a loving holiday season w your boys
-hhh

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hhh, you sound like you are in exactly the same emotional place I am in also. I have some really good days and some very bad days (but they are definitely fewer and shorter). I also received the D papers recently.....now I need to deal with that %$#%^^ over the holidays....joy.

I am hoping that, some day, when I am fully healed and LOVE myself, that I will once again find love in my life.


Me 44/W 32
S1
M8
Bomb 9/25/09
Separate houses (about 1 hour apart)
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