or CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly!
Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching DISCOUNT
SAVE$40 -- 3-SESSIONS for ONLY $350
- valid until June30

CALL 303-444-7004
or to order online at the Divorce Busting Store
use code SAVE$40

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1838825
09/16/09 06:04 PM
09/16/09 06:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
W
walterh Offline
New Member
walterh  Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
I fully admitted that I was wrong in so many ways and I see what I took for granted (her love and comittment and an opportunity to be with my kids every second possible) and I begged and pleased with her that what we have was worth fighting for and that my changes would take time. Unfortunately she says it was "too little to late" for her but I am now seeing that many signs of a MLC/WAW (although she wants the kids) are surfacing. It is so hard to not focus on what "could have been" but this is the game we play called life I guess.

I am determined to take every opportunity I can to spend with my children and make the best of it. As for her, it saddens me that while she is "finding herself" that my love for her dies a little every day.

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: walterh] #1838970
09/16/09 09:17 PM
09/16/09 09:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
lostlove Offline OP
Member
lostlove  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
I am sorry for those husbands who truly get it, own up to their wrongs, are willing to do the work and make positive change and are denied the opportunity to do so. I will however caution you all from labeling your w's as suffering from waw or mlc. Imagine if there were a label for the h's who are neglectful, uninvolved, unnappreciative etc would you like to have it placed on you?

I am not a waw though I don't know anymore if I want to or am even capable of working on this m. I am not having an MLC though I would like to make some drastic changes in my lifestyle. I am not an alien though at times I say things that may sound just like what other's are hearing. I am simply a human being trying to get through this thing called life and marriage.

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1838987
09/16/09 09:32 PM
09/16/09 09:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
W
walterh Offline
New Member
walterh  Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
LostLove,
I understand what you are saying but when the bomb is dropped and it is told to a H that it is because of not helping enough, neglect or whatever the case may be and then within a month the wife wants to start going out all the time and "have her independence" it sends a mixed message to the husband. It is just my opinion that if the W says "I love you more than anything in the world but I still want a divorce OR they are not willing to give another chance than just let the H go and make it known. Not just with words but with actions too. I'm not trying to come across as lashing back at you but in my case I have accepted and respect my wife's decision and as I am trying to move on with my life and get better for me and my children but then she starts trying to reel me back in. I guess every case is different and that's why we are all here is to try to find some commonality.

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: walterh] #1839001
09/16/09 10:01 PM
09/16/09 10:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
lostlove Offline OP
Member
lostlove  Offline OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
walter,
I'm not fighting with you..just know that.
I want to point out why your response is confusing.
You are wanting to label your w as being a waw or having mlc her behaviour is confusing. Do you not understand that yours is too?
You admitted to haveing neglected her nad not helping enough and "whatever" those actions or inactions led her to believe you were not vested in the r so she filed (trying to move on with her life and get better for her and her children) but then you try to reel her back in by making changes etc when she behaves in a way you percieve as "reeling" you back in why should that stop you from "moving on with your life and getting better for you and your children". Clearly you both needed to "get better for you and your children" why does her indicision matter.

Do you see that it's not about who dropped the bomb..the one common demoninator is that all our r's were suffering. No one was right or wrong the waw was wrong (and this makes no sense to me) for waiting to file because clearly all the warnings, letters, requests, conversations etc weren't enough and the lbs was wrong for not listening until it was too late.

We're all screwed and we'll all keep going in circles until we accept that neither side is any more f'd up than the other.

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1839055
09/17/09 12:11 AM
09/17/09 12:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
W
walterh Offline
New Member
walterh  Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
LL,

I understand what you are saying but that is not the case. For starters neglect was never a problem and I was just using that as an example of what I have seen posted. In fact, towards the end (the last year) the dynamic of our relationship had shifted and I had become needdy, clingy and all the other reasons things that a W normally loses respect for her H (and understandably so). In other words, I was giving her TOO MUCH attention. I was simply stating that "the bomb" was about not helping enough with the kids/house but since then there has been a list of things that were never discussed or communicated at all.

The only thing that makes it worse (and I can only speak for my situation) is that just weeks before she had stated that she would not change anything about our lives together and that we would be together forever. Since then many things have been said and done (nothing bad or malicious) that have created confusion for both of us.

I have just decided that me having as little contact with her as possible is best at this time - for me and her. I see some of the LBS that post here about things that are "confusing" to them and I consider them lucky because it seems as if they are making something out of what I percieve as not a big deal. Trust me, I am not judging, as I know that many of my posts have been all over the map, but I guess that is why we are all here is to try to make sense of of chaos.

I appreciate your candor and it is always great to her a woman's perspective on all of this.

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: walterh] #1839267
09/17/09 01:08 PM
09/17/09 01:08 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
D
dday101798 Offline
Member
dday101798  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
Originally Posted By: walterh
For starters neglect was never a problem and I was just using that as an example of what I have seen posted. In fact, towards the end (the last year) the dynamic of our relationship had shifted and I had become needdy, clingy and all the other reasons things that a W normally loses respect for her H (and understandably so). In other words, I was giving her TOO MUCH attention. I was simply stating that "the bomb" was about not helping enough with the kids/house but since then there has been a list of things that were never discussed or communicated at all.


As an observation walter, take into account all the bolded text in that statement, then pair them to the words "partnership" and "neglect". Epiphany you may find?


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: dday101798] #1839323
09/17/09 02:43 PM
09/17/09 02:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
W
walterh Offline
New Member
walterh  Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
I consider myself to be fairly intelligent but I'm no too sure I see it. The not helping out aspect was pretty much the case throughout the 11.5 years. Whereas the needy and clingy (and I need to add jealous too) was just towards the end. The only thing I can think of is if you mean I was focusing too much on her (in the wrong way) and not the entire family. If that's what you mean than you are correct. Not to go back and defend my actions but one more thing I forgot to add is when your spouse tells you, and everyone else that she knows, that you are the "dynamic duo" and make a great team that leads the H (me in this case) to believe that all is well. I do admit that I did not have my focus in all the right areas but I did more than my fair share in many others.

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: walterh] #1839395
09/17/09 04:03 PM
09/17/09 04:03 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
D
dday101798 Offline
Member
dday101798  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
No, not what I was trying to say at all. In reading the bolded texts, how do you concider that focusing too much on your W? I read that as the exact opposite: focusing too much on yourself, hence, neglegence to the partnership.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: dday101798] #1839448
09/17/09 05:14 PM
09/17/09 05:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
W
walterh Offline
New Member
walterh  Offline
New Member
W
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
I understand what you mean. Obviously the needy and clingy was because of MY ego issues (selfish), but at the time I viewed that as giving her attention that I thought she wanted and deserved. I know now that nothing could be further from the truth. As I said before it was just the wrong kind; not to mention it detracted from me focusing on my children more because I was too worried about the future of our r (I guess for good reason). Bottom line is I know I made mistakes that I will never make again. I'm sure my posts come across as "I don't get it", but I do.

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: walterh] #1849255
10/03/09 02:46 AM
10/03/09 02:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 95
va
A
alexjadams Offline
Member
alexjadams  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 95
va
I have a question…

Why does it take a WAS to leave their family cause financial & emotion damage. Given in to a complete stranger, turn their back on siblings, children and family. Betray and destroy all the trust of friends and family. Then after 6 months to 4 years of this behavior, they “wake up” and realize that the tornado they became and the wake of damage that they left. And then when they do decide to come back they want us to forgive and forget the pain they created, but when they do what they do they tell us it’s pain that we have caused them. In reality they would find that most of the pain they felt the LBS felt some of that same pain and choose to deal with it in another way.

So I ask you & all the WAS why does it take all this for you to finally wake up????

When you find the answer to that question you will have the same answer to yours!


WAW 32
ME 38
D11, S9 & D2
Together 10/96
Married 4/2000
Bomb 4/2006
PA1 9/2006
PA2 11/2006
I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!

After a year, love is a choice not a feeling!
Page 4 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004