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A Message from Michele
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Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1807012
07/23/09 05:38 PM
07/23/09 05:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 61
So Cal
R
Refuse to quit Offline
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Refuse to quit  Offline
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So Cal
Antlers I agree with you completely. Being a LBS as well I have taken the last few months here to really look within. I know that I am a better person than the one I was a few months ago and I know that I continue to improve daily. I hope and pray every day that the W will see the changes and want to be a part of them. LL I know it is hard to see. Looking back at myself and how I acted I think how silly it was. At the time it did not seem that abnormal. It was mirroring the way I was brought up. It was not a good lifestyle but that is how I was raised. It took me having to step back and take a look at it and see that there is a better life for me as a father and hopefully a husband again someday. I really do think that this time we have been apart has been good because these changes that I have made have become more permanent. Had we been able to live together again right after she left I feel like things probably would have gone back to the way they were. I am sorry for the pain you must feel LL. I can only imagine that my W was feeling some of the same things. At this point for our R I know it could work for both of us, I just pray that she gives me the opportunity.
RTQ


Me 34
WAW 34
S 3
D 1
Marr. 7
Tog. 8
Bomb 04/11/2009
Left 04/13/2009
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: Refuse to quit] #1807305
07/24/09 02:07 AM
07/24/09 02:07 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
lostlove Offline OP
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lostlove  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Refuse to quit
I really do think that this time we have been apart has been good because these changes that I have made have become more permanent. Had we been able to live together again right after she left I feel like things probably would have gone back to the way they were.
RTQ


RTQ,

There in lies the trouble! H didn't move out..we continue to share the same bed.

We did go through a sep 8 years ago when he had OW and moved out wanted a D because well "I love you I'm not in love with you". Upon his return home he claimed to have realized a lot of things and that he wanted to be a better h and father. He eventually fell right back into his old ways.

When I confront him with my question of "why should I believe anything will really be different now" he claims to have had an enlightenment and that things can't go back to the way they were because this is "it".

Things have been improving but I'm not certain if

1. I can believe it's real and will last
2. I can get past the past
3. accept that I may never know exactly what the past holds.
4. I can feel lovingly toward h again (I don't hate him I just don't feel a desire to be close to him anymore)

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1807590
07/24/09 03:02 PM
07/24/09 03:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 131
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Esox Offline
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Esox  Offline
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Let me take your points:

1. It might not last. Then again, it might. If it did, would you be happy?

2. Not everyone can get past adultery. Sometimes it is a deal breaker. Only you know what you can stomach.

3. If you want the key to the past ask. If your H is serious about reconcilliation he will willingly tell you everything you want to know. If he won't then he is still gaming you.

4. Life is uncertain. Love is a verb, not a feeling. You love someone because you choose to. Infatuation, lust, longing, those are feelings and they come on go.

I love my wife because I choose to. I just don't like her much sometimes.


I'm a man . . .
But I can change . . .
If I have to . . .
I guess . . .

The Man's Prayer - Red Green
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: Esox] #1811993
08/02/09 03:47 AM
08/02/09 03:47 AM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 3,103
LA
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No_hill_for_a_Swimmer Offline
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OK Interesting thread
I've been the LBS for about 4 years now and poked back in for a bit

One thing I did was to research adNauseum what and why things went wrong. Read self help to the cows came home. Listened to many stories from others going through the same thing. Read this board till my eyes bled. (not really)

Anyway I came up with one common thread

The two do not connect emotionally with eachother. Her fault, His fault (that's the common theme blame the Selfish man), no ones fault (circumstances ect.) it is the only thing I have seen that is common.

How one does that? Outside of opening yourself up and risking initial rejection I have no idea. It is a decision both should make before the I Dos.

I've worked as a beach lifeguard for 3 summers and saw a lot of people. At the end of the day we seem like bartenders and hear all kinds of stories which after you filter out the he/she did me wrong crap the common thread is in full view.

Once in a while you get a lady (since that is whom I most listen to) will admit they were selfish, stupid, and threw a good thing away but I've heard some stories like this thread from a few guys but most of both sexes just as the owner of this thread states "Just don't get it"

Well I did not get it until several bombs in the Iraqi desert helped out a bit. 2X4s were too quiet.

I could add mine also but would just be repeating other Gentlemen's tales and I applaud their honesty in announcing the fact they and I are simply reaping what we sowed. It is a lonely and bitter harvest made worse by the realization of the pain we caused others we promised to love.

It is not to say I would go back to said X since she has performed many misdeeds most of which she has no clue of my knowledge. Just the exchange of she did vs he did is pointless. The point is we (Men and Women) had a chance to connect and for some reason did not. That is the two becomes one said by the Preacher on the wedding day.

For those who honestly tried and was the reaper of what their partner sowed you have my sympathy. I can give little else.

To the ones like me who have to live with theirselves after the realization they are not God's gift to the other sex but quite the contrary the best advice I could give decide what you want to be, fix yourself, then and not before if you wish to find a partner to connect with. Only if you wish and are willing to put up the sacrifice.

I for one am not. My motivation is elsewhere in activities not tried, places not seen, and adventures not experienced. To trade them in for a partner would make the connection too expensive in life terms and would probably be a repeat of past mistakes and misdeeds.

One more thing I would look at if you are looking at yourself or someone else evaluating their worthiness or your own.

It's easy to turn over a leaf when disaster strikes and either pull yourself up by the bootstraps or come together for a common cause. Sick Child, Spouse, natural disaster often brings out the best in us.

It's hard to do the same and sacrifice when you are doing well. You are not feeling the bite of rejection or loss. Pain is God's megaphone but is wispering during pleasure. I believe when one sacrifices properly during these times is the real test of character.

I failed it and it seems I have good company.
have a good one


"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work"
Steve Martin



Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: No_hill_for_a_Swimmer] #1812217
08/02/09 08:39 PM
08/02/09 08:39 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
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antlers Offline
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Well, it's worth it to me, to do everything in my power, to become something that I wasn't...for my children, for my partner, and for myself. I am succeeding; it's a work in progress!
Will my wife eventually give me another chance? I don't know! If she does...we will all be better off. If not...then I will still be a better man, a better father, and a better partner than I've ever been!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1838263
09/15/09 08:25 PM
09/15/09 08:25 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
lostlove Offline OP
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lostlove  Offline OP
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I often come here with a though or feeling to convey and then spend time reading the past responses to my thread and lose sight of what exactly it was that brought me here.

For now all I can say is that I have stopped the D proceedings but I am not certain I am happy about that decision. Things occassionally show a glimmer of possibility but I often find myself unaccepting of them. It's like there is a voice in my head telling me it's all a lie, he'll just revert to his old ways or find a new negative way as always. There are far too many issues that need addressing. I have too many questions that are not being answerd. In the end does it matter why well maybe it's not so much the why I want to understand it's the how, the what were you thinking or feeling when you were bahaving in x fashion.

LL

Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1838350
09/15/09 09:52 PM
09/15/09 09:52 PM
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antlers Offline
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Hi lostlove.

"We men can be as dumb as hammers, but we can change...and when we do, it can be profound." - RedSoxFan

This ia a TRUE statement.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1838432
09/16/09 01:06 AM
09/16/09 01:06 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
lostlove Offline OP
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lostlove  Offline OP
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Posts: 6,447
antlers I get that. I accept that change is possible it's more that little changes aren't exactly what is needed at this point.

little things build up...simple things asked for and not recieved (choose your love language I'm not speaking of monotary things), the little things eventually don't even matter they are seen for what they are and appreciated as tokens but the gaping hole in the r has become bigger than what they can fill.

I am having a hard time rapping my mind around HOW h could let things get so bad.

I don't know if I can accept him anymore, I don't know if I can trust him anymore (and don't bother telling me I don't know if I could trust the next guy because I honestly don't want a next guy I'd prefer to be on my own for a very long time)

H has always known where I stand, how I feel because I've communicated it.

H has no explanation at all for his behaviour over the past 8 years (it was h's ea and bomb dropping that brought me here in 2002)

I was left to feel like h was just here because it was the right thing to do but if given the freedom to choose without any moral, social ramifications he'd not be. His behaviour and his past words ( ILBNILWY, EA, Seperation, Bomb dropping,etc) had me convinced my filing and ending the confusion (since he didn't listen to my words in conversation or letters) was the right thing to do. That we'd both be better off, healthier and happier apart. That maybe we just don't fit and honestly never did. After all he did say he married me because "it was the next step" but "it was never there"

I'm all over the place with this I know

I am not a waw I am the LBS who's spouse came home but only in body (and didn't even share that ssm too)

LL

Last edited by lostlove; 09/16/09 01:10 AM.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: lostlove] #1838686
09/16/09 03:16 PM
09/16/09 03:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
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antlers Offline
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antlers  Offline
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Originally Posted By: lostlove


I am having a hard time rapping my mind around HOW h could let things get so bad.


LL


I can only speak for myself...I didn't realize the damage that I was doing. I was selfish and self centered, and I took her for granted, and I made her walk on eggshells. I was wrong for that, and I completely understand her feeling the way she does...and I don't blame her!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Re: why it takes d for so many to "get it" [Re: antlers] #1838730
09/16/09 04:21 PM
09/16/09 04:21 PM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 6,447
lostlove Offline OP
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lostlove  Offline OP
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There is what in part is missing from my sitch. H will admit to some wrong doing or accept that his behaviour was distructive but does not admit to being/having been selfish or wrong. In fact it almost seems as if (by some of his phrases) his poor behaviour is excusable because after all he was still paying the bills and taking the trash to the dump.

How does paying the bills make up for having affairs, being emoitionally and physically absent, lying, neglect etc.

Somehow in my h's mind being a good financial provider = being a good husband and the other things are insignificant no need to be a friend, companion, partner, lover, co-parent just pay the bills, cut the lawn and take the trash to the dump and you're covered no matter what you do wrong?

When I explain to h how I feel and that it's difficult for me to accept that his changes are real, genuine and lasting based on past experience with him the things that he has done that have hurt our r are thrown asside and replaced with "I've given you a pretty good life haven't I"

Because I've had a roof over my head and food in the fridge I shouldn't be hurt or feel a loss for not having had the basic elements of a r?

LL

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