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sally_a Offline OP
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I have decided to leave my husband (he is impotent, something he didn't reveal before marriage, he is a porn addict, and he lies all the tine).

The first step I thought would be to let some important people know. I have told my mother, sister, and closest friend. I told my counselor I am considering it, but I don't see her for 2 more weeks. I have told my boss I am having difficulties in my marriage and he has been very understanding and has offered to reorganize my work so that I can work better (I have been underperforming due to the stress of the marriage).

As the next step, I looked for apartments. I have to choose between an apartment in an unsecured building which is available later and one in a secure building which is available later. Is living in a secure building a good way to keep H away, or is it just a false sense of protection? He has never been violent but I hear divorce brings out the worse in people. Please advise on this.

Is it better to file for divorce before or after moving out? I want to file soon because I have to file within one year of learning he is impotent because I have a chance of claiming it as an invalid marriage (he has low testosterone, but kept blaming his non-performance on me causing stress in the marriage which kept me confused for almost a year before the testosterone results were measured). He denies his impotence but even if I can't prove it the porn and lying would qualify as mental cruelty. I hear about lawyers mailing the papers sometimes and sometimes I hear a sheriff serves the papers. In which situation is either of the methods used?

After all this, how do I move on? I have already reconnected with friends and made some new ones so I have a support group when I am divorced. Some are for emotional support, some are for activities like shopping, going to lunch, book club, etc. I plan to continue counseling for another year. Are there any other tips for women to build back their self-esteem and regain an independent sense of self?

It still seems so unreal. I still haven't registered the fact that I am finally taking some action.


Me - 29
H - 32
Married - 12/07
Discovered pornography addiction and lies- 9/08
Inhouse separation since - 9/08
Considering separation - 07/09
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I don't mean to sound uncaring, but are you sure a divorce is something you want? There are meds for low testosterone. This is very long and difficult road you are about to travel and if for one minute you think that issues can be worked out through counseling, medications, etc. I would urge you to leave no stone unturned.

But to answer your question on how to build back your self-esteem and regain indpendence, I will leave that to the more seasoned people on this forum. I have a real problem with that one myself.

Have you met with an attorney yet? You need to get it right from the get go. It's difficult and very expensive to try and fix emotional mistakes later.

Take care and Hugs to you!


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If you are still pretty emotional about the situation, and it sounds as if you are, don't do anything yet. I would talk to a doctor and see what treatments may be available for your H. Individual Counseling is a good start for you to work on your issues and perhaps your H will consider this too for himself.

I am sure nothing beats down a man's ego faster than having this kind of thing happening. Patienance and understanding as well as a willingness to address the problem is key for both of you.

Rather than taking so much time to plan your escape, why don't you turn that energy into your marriage?

kat


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Is your H aware that you want to bail on him? Maybe he just needs a wake up call to change himself.

How many years have you been with your H? You fell in love with him before and it is possible to rebuild a relationship.

It might be better if you posted in the I'm Thinking About Leaving forum.

Remember that these forums and Michelle are primarily pro-save your marriage oriented.


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Opps, never mind Sally. I see that you did start a thread in "I'm Thinking About Leaving". After reading that thread, I would have to agree that you should get out of this marriage - you have not been together long enough and it sounds like he hid a lot from you.

You should consult with a lawyer who will advise the best plan for you. In my case, I handed the divorce papers to my W instead of serving, but you may be rightfully more fearful of your H.

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sally_a Offline OP
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Yes, this forum is about saving marriages and that makes me rather depressed. I caught his porn addiction 9 months back, and after that I was severely depressed for 6 months. I still can't function properly at work. This marriage has emotionally exhausted me to the limit. I live in constant fear of the next unpleasant surprise or betrayal. The high level of constant stress with spikes of higher stress when more lies come out or another promise gets broken has taken its toll on my emotional and physical health. Both of us go to individual counseling. We tried one marriage counselor but she was not a sex addiction specialist and enabled his dishonesty, hiding, and secrecy. All counselors agree there was not much of a marriage in the first place - he has been lying about important things from the beginning of the relationship. He shows no remorse and is not willing to do anything to make me feel safe, like give email passwords, cellphone records, credit card bills. In fact he accuses me of being critical and not accepting him as he is, with his porn addiction - but he hid it from me before marriage so I don't see why I should accept him when he shows no remorse and makes no amends. On the surface he says he wants the marriage to work but his actions show otherwise. I don't think there is any way to save a marriage where I don't trust my H at all. And yes, he knows I am planning because we decided to look for separate apartments after our current lease ends.


Me - 29
H - 32
Married - 12/07
Discovered pornography addiction and lies- 9/08
Inhouse separation since - 9/08
Considering separation - 07/09

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