Is there any reason why we can't give differing opinions to people's sitch without getting attacked by someone who disagrees?
Why can't we just give our advice, agree or disagree with others, but not get attacked for our advice? Someone doesn't agree with your advice, and suddenly they are name calling, questioning your motives, and trying to imply you have no right to give any advice? All the while, implying that THEY have BETTER advice to give than yourself? WTF?
I just don't get it. The purpose of opening your story on a public message board is to hear DIFFERENT perspectives from different people.
If you read someone's advice and don't agree, its fine to say "I don't agree with that advice". But going further and attacking the person who said it, for no real reason other than that you disagree....WTF?
To asnwer your question, the obvious answer is of course, no, there is no reason why people cant be polite and accept other's oppinions, especially on a public forum since different oppinions is what we all came here for originally...
I've learned the hard to way not to try to control everything and everyone, and to me it seems that some people need more work in that area still. I dont have anyone particular in mind saying this but there have been some occasions when I was amazed how hard people were trying to convince others, "their approach is the right one". Even if it was, different people have different timelines and level of maturity by which they take in "advice", and their emotional state is defining alot their reactions. I say this judging by myself.
And although I share the idea of helping others -"newcomers" save themselves time and heartache, and I have often spoken my mind even when I knew it wouldnt be well accepted, I never take it personally when people disagree or ignore me. It's their choice and their life.
No one that is here can claim to always be right, he/she wouldnt be here if that was true, no? A good exchange of views, with respect and politeness can benefit everyone reading.
As a guy who actually got BANNED once for saything things that "went against DB," I'm a huge free-speech guy. We should all be free to say what we want, and the person whose thread it is should be free to take it or leave it as they wish. And other posters should be free to agree or disagree with the advice given, and we also have to take THAT, and give compelling rebuttals, which the host of the thread is then also free to read and discard what they will.
It should be done in a spirit of civility, however, and we need to be able to "agree to disagree, agreeably." That's what America -- and the Internet -- is all about!
HA! OK Gardener I am gonna disagree BUT I will tell you why.
I think to disagree is fine. If it can be done civilly, differing opinions are fine AND useful. Puppy actual disagreed with me on some advice I offered, and upon further consideration, I concluded he was right and I modified my personal stragegy. Turned out that it improved my situation.
If we can keep egos out and work for the greater good, differing opinions are healthy. As much as I like to always be right, sometimes I'm not. I imagine that is true for most people. Hope that makes sense.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I agree that differing opinions can really add so much to the mix if the opinions are offered in a civil fashion. I know I am guilty of being passionate and that can be taken in a way that is not favorable.
I think the one key point is some of us have been in our situations for close to two years. So, in the case of somebody who just got separated a few weeks ago obviously the person in a long term separation might have some experience and wisdom to share as the initial sting is not quite so great.
I also think men and women (not to sound sexist) also process and go about things in a much different manner as far as emotions and actions go when there is pain, betrayal and confusion involved.
While most of the situations here involve an OW/OM the few that dont really dont have the same experience to offer as a 3rd party (OM/OW) really involves a very complicated angle to the mix.
I also feel strongly about people turning to meds for "help" without doing the work and using meds for an escape. And I do speak from experience. Because taking a few Xananx until you pass out doesnt heal or help you grow, it helps you escape in a way that will eventually hault just about everything.
So I do apologize from the bottom of my heart if I appear mean, bossy or some sort of authority on anything (I know nothing, lol!) but I do know what its like to be lower than low. And I also know all the hugs and coddling wont change that. You need action and when we are that low its hard to take action unless you have a good hard kick in the pants.
I would never give legal advice because I am not an attny. I would not give financial adivce because I am not a CPA. But I have been left and cheated on and in that area, sadly, I do have an awful lot of experience. Its not about ego IMO. Its more like saying... hey, give me your hand so I can help you because you need it and I know that because I needed it.
Gardener, you said: "Why even state that one doesn't agree with another's advice?"
Yes for the most part, I never even state it if I don't agree with someone else's advice. I just give my own and that's that. But what I was refering to was, the people who then ATTACK you for having a different opinion. Here is from my first post here: "If you read someone's advice and don't agree, its fine to say "I don't agree with that advice". But going further and attacking the person who said it, for no real reason other than that you disagree....WTF?"
So even while I don't really see much point in even saying "I don't agree with so and so's advice" either, it is still fine to say it....but why the heck would they then go further and attack the other person??
Anyway...just making a distinction. I don't normally "call out" someone's advice I disagree with either. There isn't much point. But to attack the other person is what has really got me confused....WHY the heck would anyone do that?
I believe that one resorts to attacks to try and undermine input that may not support his or her viewpoint. I also believe that 1) the posters and thread-owners here are intelligent and mature enough to see the bully tactic at play, kick it aside, and also take that into consideration when reading the input of the attacker, 2) those seeking help, for the most part, relish any and all input, and are responsible adults and can accept and apply what makes sense to their own situations, and 3) each of us can defend our personal viewpoints and defend ourselves. Ultimately, the character attack tactic doesn't work.
Collective input is so valuable on this dynamic forum. It would be ideal if we could all cooperate and allow each other space.
It is easier to push off from someone else's viewpoint than to think from scratch and create a thoughtful post of your own. I think it is fine to collaborate on ideas. But if there is disagreement, I believe that there is a way to state your differing viewpoint without provoking ugly battle with well-intended contributors.
