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Hi Glam, hope you managed to get some sleep. I did post yesterday but I think it went aol.
Everyone has given you good advice. Try to just do what has to be done,the practicalities and day to day needs and leave all the rest for another day. Just take care of you and your children.

Thinking of you.

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Glam,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I feel so bad for you. Please look after yourself and remember we are all here for you. Everyone has offered exellent advice; please take it.

You have tried so hard for so long, and now this. Give yourself some space to get past the shock before you do something irreversible. See your C, see a L, see your minister, see your doctor. Do what must be done to protect yourself and your children. If you need to ask him politely to leave you alone for awhile, there is nothing wrong with that. You know not to tell all and sundry about what he has done...the truth will come out sooner or later--it always does, you know that--and it is best if it doesn't come from you broadcasting it from your pain.

These WAS's (of whatever stripe, MLC or not) are living in this fantasy world, believing the rules are different for them, and whatever they are doing isn't so bad, the "usual" standards don't apply to them, and they can get away with anything and won't be found out...ALL WRONG! The piper never works for free, and will present his bill sooner or later...and he has spine-crackers to back him up on collecting it. It sounds to me like your H is nowhere near understanding this yet.

Breathe. Cry as needed. Breathe. Remember all that you have survived so far; I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you have developed the resilience to survive this too.

It is not your fault, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is his, and he will realize it eventually. Do not take on burdens that are not yours to carry. This is his, not yours. I remember, in one of my DB coach sessions, telling her how much I feared H telling me that OW was pregnant, and asking her what I should say if that happened. She told me to just say, as calmly as possible, "What do you plan to do about that?" Remember, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not take his monkey and put it on your back. Just get into a place where you can decide what you need to do to protect yourself and your children from the fallout.

We know how horrible this is for you. Some here have been through the same thing and know it in excruciating detail. Look after yourself. Lick your wounds and do what you need to do to heal. We care about you and want only the best for you.

Remember that you are loved, regardless of what he does. You are loved.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn


Me 45/H 47, no kids
Together since 1985; M/1992
Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001
Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues
H left 11/24/08
minimal contact, no legal action
http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
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Thanks so much Dawn for posting. I am still sitting here in tears. I just want to kick my h and slap him across the face. It would do no good. He wouldn't wake up anyway.

I guess it all explains much of his depression and some of what he has been going through. That is why it's important to just tell the truth and be honest. Something my h will never get.

I guess for him it was like oh let's just shove this under the rug and keep this a deep dark secret. Nobody will know. It's ok to hide this information. Never once thinking I need to tell Glam out of respect to her. It's the least I can owe her. Nope not my h, just act as if it never happened.

It really started back when my h made the decision to allow ow into his life. I find my h so pathetic. The problem I guess was my h never appreciated me. Always walking around like he was a saint. Talking about othe men's shortcomings, but failing to point out himself. I find this kind of odd, but I guess when you are disgusted with himself why not put others down and make yourself feel better. When he would have these convos with me what I wanted to say was, how are you so much better, they are in a loving committed R, living at home, good paying job, providing for their family what are you doing h? Instead I left it alone.

If my h could get grounded with God. It would make a huge differnce in his life. If he only could take that first step and not be afraid of what God has to offer. It's too bad he just can't or won't reach out. Said he doesn't need God in his life. Wow, h looks like you really could use some God time in your life.

Thanks Dawn about the not telling all. No problem there. For whatever reason I am really embarrassed and ashamed that I find myself in this situation with my h. It's not something I would want to share.

I have made a decision to leave the state. I have contacted h's family to ask if they would help move me and the kids. I had to choke back the tears. Never once did I share what was going on. His family would be so devastated. My h used to be the hero amongst his family. This whole thing has taken a toll on his parents health. Not sure how they would react, but I know would't sit well with them. My h wasn't raised this way and I see the pain on his mother's face when she talks about h. This would shake her up and I wouldn't want to burden his family with yet more bad news regarding h.

I wonder if my h is embarrassed and ashamed as well. He was so respected amongst his family and was idolized. It seems like my h needed to break out of a mold. That mold was I don't want to act and do as expected but I want to have freedom to pick and choose and do whatever I want. He often said it's my turn and I don't want to be the caretaker for nobody. How did that carefree attitude help him? It didn't. Now he is even more saddled with burdens that cast him in a negative light along the lines of disgust, shame, embarrassment. No wonder he has choose to hide.

I shake my head though, because h's life didn't need to go this way. He didn't need to surround himself with the likes of ow and those like her. It's as if he can't make the distinction of who he should hang with and those he shouldn't. Did he learn that lesson yet? It so sad how many lives he had to ruin before he got to that ultimate life lesson.

I know not my cross to bear, but this deeply affects me. Knowing that my h fathered a kid with ow just is more than I can comprehend. My h truly was so much better than this. He destroyed all those that really cared and loved him. I keep asking what did he gain by all of this? What?


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
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Hey G, you ok? I know you want answers, believe me. But it doesnt really matter why at this point.

He is lost, confused and depressed. He is not living in reality. Well, he sure as hell just got a huge plate of reality now.

Just remember that this is not your fault, nor your burden. At all. You did your best, tried your hardest, but I believe everything happens for a reason. It is best to trust that God knows what it is. Leave it to Him.

I know that you are making some decisions. If you can, sit with them just a little bit. Then, if you really feel they are right, follow them through.

You are going to go through a lot of emotions - shock, denial, anger, and sadness. Allow yourself to go through each one. And then after you have, you will come to accept what has happened. And I dont mean accept this child, I mean accept that there was nothing you could do. These steps are all necessary. Dont rush them.

Sweetie, it all seems more than you can take. But you will be ok again. I know it. You have such strength - more than you realize and such grace.

Give it all to God, Peace for He will get you through.

I am on the alt if you ever want to talk. Same name as here.

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Glam,
Are you okay? Is there anything we can do? B gave you some very good advice. Take things slowly so that whatever decisions you make, you will not regret them later on. If you think moving is the way to go, do it.

Your h has just had a huge dose of reality and knows that he's lost a lot of ground with you. I'm very, very sorry that he wasn't responsible enough to do things the right way and not get involved w/the ow.

If there is anything we can do, just ask. Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Uncontrollable sobbing again. Thanks BM. I am not ok with any of this. This whole situation breaks my heart more than I can bear. An affair would be one thing, but a child now too.

I don't know how to get past this news. I don't want this to be true. It is going to take me some time to process this all. I hurt almost to a crippling pain. I am so so sad.

I just want to kick and punch my h so he can feel the pain that he cast upon me. That won't happen, but that is how I feel.

I don't know how to get rid of the aggression and sadness. Yes I want answers, but with my h he will never talk. It's his style to be silent and hide.


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
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I guess for starters BM it would be nice if my h could acknowldege the pain I am going through. He never once said he was sorry.

You are right I can't continue to wallow in all this stuff. What's done is done.

I need to dust myself off today and clean the house and take the kids out to the movies. H was suppose to come with today, I am sure he will not show now.

Afterall, this is not the ending of my life even though it feels like it is.

Thanks BM for the reminder. I don't want to sit around here being depressed and fall back to how I was 3 years ago.

This is what we call a setback, but only I can change my perspective of thinking.


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
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i think what u are feeling is normal, and like my therapist would say, u do have to go through the feelings to come out on the other side.

i wish i had more to say, more to offer, i recommend checking out sugar and spice's thread under infidelity, i know she has dealt with what u are going through...


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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Take a pillow and scream, hit and yell into it. You will feel better. You have to let all that out. Once you release it from all inside..it will ease your rage.

I feel your pain. You feel betrayed and clueless to what is happening. But you were meant to find out NOW for a reason. Now not only H , but you have to figure out how you can deal with this.

I have followed your thread for a looong time. You are strong. You can bear this pain. And when he is ready, You will have your answers.

And honestly, I am just saying what I am thinking right now. I have no idea HOW I would handle it either.

But PLEASE..Scream into that pillow. Punch it!!!

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I am the point of having a complete breakdown over this. It's as if my h gave everything to ow even a child.

He walks around hurting people over and over wihout any consequences for his bad behavior or a care in the world. It's like I can just hurt people and then hurt some more people. Does he not have a soul or any emotions what so ever? Does he not see the destruction?

I know that it seems like I can't get my arms around this and yes I can't. It seems like my world has ended and I want to hand my life off to another.

Imagine utter destruction and when it's all over you are left standing alone wondering what happened and why. That is what keeps playing over in my mind. I can even visualize myself bent over the ground trying to pick up the pieces, but there is nothing left to pick up.

Sobbing!


Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
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