No suggestions, this is how it works unfortunately, when their perfect plan and the reasons to make this plan in the first place are conflicting with the information in her environment, the decsions made may be questioned. Look for a big roller coaster ride now, she will try to validate her decisions with crazy behavior towards you to get you to respond in a way that verifies those. Also, look for her old self to pry information from you to see what the hell you are really up to.
Thanks Burt. I feel like this is her divorce not mine. I am trying to not let it affect me and when I see her let her think it has no effect on me. I do see through her lawyers and somewhat from her she is trying to push the buttons. I am just letting things go. Everyone keeps telling me that we have way too much history there and she does still have feelings for me. I can tell also by the way that she is still angry about things that there are feelings there. I think if she was detached she would show almost no emotion. As far as the roller coaster goes I don't think it has had as much of an impact on me that it used to. I think it is because I have moved on from her more and more. This worries me sometimes but I know it can be built back up again. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Just a bit of journaling. I had a great weekend wish it was not going to end. I have been able to think about other things and not this situation and it has been nice. It is hard not to think about it while I am at work. Any ways if feels good not to be so concerned with what is going on this is her divorce and not mine. I am trying my best to not allow her to make it my problems as well. Hope you all had a great weekend and thanks for the support. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Trying to stay positive lately. I know things with me and the w can work out. The ball is completely in her court. Things have been easier lately with my friend staying with me from out of town. He will be leaving soon and I wish he would stay. Just nice having company around the house again. Every time we exchange the kids (which is the only contact I have with her), she is very reserved and seems really pissed off. I feel like she tries to put that on me but I don't allow her to. I put on my best face even if it just acting. I really feel like she is searching right now and other WAW's out there might provide some help or insight with this but she doesn't seem happy to me at all. I hate to see her struggle but I know it is part of the process. Puppy I read something that you wrote a while back yesterday that gave me a lot of hope. You said that your wife was hell bent on ending the marriage only 5 days before she decided to reconcile. Made me think things really can turn pretty quickly and when least expected. I hope that is the case for me and my situation. Really gave me a lot of hope though because things got ugly with her lawyers yesterday. I can't stand them. I have continued to GAL and not contact her at all in any way as well as be elusive unwilling to give information when I do see her. Thanks for listening guys/gals. Any advise? RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Well met with the C yesterday and feeling pretty good about things. Immediately went from there to exchange the kids. Got there early and went inside McD's and got an ice cream for me and some for the kids. Did not get anything for the W. Felt weird. First time I have ever done that. She got there with the kids and I greeted the kids and was excited to see them. Said Hi to the W that was it. Put the kids in the car and turned to leave. She started telling me about the kids so I stopped to listen and then I turned to leave. She said to me "Can I finish" I said "Oh I did not know you were still talking" went back and listened to something she had to say about putting a diaper on our S and then turned and left. She had 3 doors open on her car and I would have never done that in the past. I would have closed them for her and gotten her in her car. I simply turned and left. It felt kind of sad and refreshing at the same time. Our S has told me that mom asks him what we did. When dropping them off she seemed more sad than angry. But I kept the detachment going. I put the kids in the car, told her what they had eaten and said goodbye to the kids only and then turned and walked away. I could tell she was waiting for me to say something to her or at least look at her but I really want her to see or get a feeling of what this detachment feels like. I feel as though this is all part of it for me. No more compliments, nice gestures, etc. I hate doing this but feel like she has forced this upon herself. I tried everything else and it got me nowhere. This is definitely a struggle but I feel it is necessary. RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Having a hard time distinguishing between being cold and dark. I know that there is probably a fine line there. I know that I need to be dark with the wife about what I am doing, what I have been up to, where I am going, etc. The only contact I have with her is when we exchange the kids. Usually this is only about 5 minutes long. I don't ask her where she has been or up to etc. I usually just say Hi to her and get the kids and go. Any ideas?
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Just now caught up, been out of town for a bit, Vegas baby! Sorry, anyway I think you are doing great. I am very friendly with strangers but not very talkative. I am from the South so, it is kind of in my blood to be nice to everyone.
Think of her as the bus driver of your children, if the bus driver says something, really listen to that person and validate what they are saying. Would you have a deep conversation with the bus driver or close the bus door for the driver, no, that is the job of the driver. I would not get a cone for the driver either, unless the driver asked me for one, then I would gladly get one for them, again just my nature.
So, treat her like a stranger, nice and upbeat, it makes it easier. It should not be a question in your mind whether it is cold or dark, and you cannot control what is in her mind.
You may not get her back, that is a real possibility but so is the possibility of her coming back to you, and what you are doing is the best way to do that. Then the question shifts to you, Do you want her back?
I ask myself that every day Burt. I don't see that she has made any changes but maybe she has. Who knows we never talk. The way she is right now I definitely don't want her back. She is not the person I married anymore. Yesterday with the kids being exchanged she was reserved and then opened up more when I dropped the kids off. I did not tell her where we were going or where we had been when I dropped the kids off. She was trying to reduce the visitation and I politely opposed it. She told me she would call me to talk about it last night but never did. Probably because when I picked the kids up she backed off the whole idea. She was hinting around as to what I would be doing with the kids this weekend. She asked me "Do you want me to drop the kids off in play clothes or their jammies. I did not know if you were going to be taking them anywhere Fri. night." I said "Play clothes....jammies....it really doesn't matter whatever is easiest for you." She knows I took the kids out the last Fri. night I had them as she was there. I am trying not to get excited about this as it is a little thing of her asking and I don't really make much of it. But I can't remember the last time I asked her about where she took the kids and what she was up to. I think our S might have told the W about the friend staying with me. I don't really care as he is so little being only 3 you will only get bits of information from him. May help to keep up the mystery of what I am really doing. Have another court appearance on Mon 8/24/2009. Not looking forward to it. More of my life being dismantled by people who I don't even know. Besides GAL and being dark any other suggestions as far as things that I can be doing right now? Thanks RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
Went pretty well. Sorry it has taken me a bit to get back on here. Got to court and was dreading going. I got there and from what my attorney said, her lawyer is getting tired of the case. Apparently he usually represents sports figures and such. I guess the more her legal team digs into this I think the more that they find that there is really nothing there. Her lawyer asked for a continuance. So we do not have to be back until Oct. 14th. Things at work have gotten pretty bad. Her brother is trying to get me fired. I have been using the past few days to look for another job. I will not go back for another week and a half. The W called me Tues. night. First time she has called me in over a month. I did not answer but later called her back. Said basically she is tired of the legal things, lawyers, money being wasted, etc. I wanted to tell her that this is not because of me but figured what was the point. She then called me again yesterday afternoon and talked to me for about an hour. This time she was really nice and friendly. Talking about the kids etc. She tells me on the phone (unprovoked) that she loves me and always has and always will and that she has not given her heart to anyone else. She says that she knows this D is supposed to happen and that it will make us stronger etc. I just listened and did not say anything. I let her finish and told her that I did not see how a D would make things better. She tells me that she feels like we will get together again down the road. This was all just silly to me. I am not waiting around if she pushes this all the way through. She tells me that she is mad that I booted her from facebook. I told her that I did it because of the letters I have received from her attorney about how she feels as though I am pressuring her etc. I said friends don't send letters like that to their friends. She calls me later last night and talks again. I tried to keep it on the kids and I could tell the more I did the more the guard came down. At one point she starts telling me that she sees all of the changes in my life and she wants to know if they are for real. She says I could have been a better father etc. before and I did all I could do to reaffirm how she feels. Her response was "you don't have to agree with everything I say." She then starts talking about finances and how she is having a tough time making it. Doesn't like living at her parents etc. I told her that I would help her get an apartment but she was not interested. When she could tell that I was not going to give in and give her more money she got all upset and said "It always has to be your way. This just tells me that you don't care about me love me or care about my feelings." I said how does it say that? She had no response. She ended up hanging up on me and I did not call her back. I don't care. I know she needs to crash and be humbled. It has not happened yet and I hope it will. I really don't want her to feel like she needs me for financial reasons but if it is the means of her beginning to take a look at reality then fine. Thats pretty much it up until today. Sorry that it took a while guys. Do you think these are signs of her seeing reality? Any suggestions? RTQ
Me 34 WAW 34 S 3 D 1 Marr. 7 Tog. 8 Bomb 04/11/2009 Left 04/13/2009
