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Quote:
Not this time, but yes, that is the standard discussion path.


The reason it didn't go there is because you changed the standard.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Journaling:

Mrs. Thinker is off with her family tonight - weddings and funerals, the only time we spread out families get together. Her cousins funeral is tomorrow morning.

It has been a rough couple of days for her - it's hitting her pretty hard. She has been distracted and distant - not wanting me to comfort her, not wanting to be hugged or touched.

Today I could tell she was really sad and torn about leaving - the boys were all in school and she was really torn up about missing them. I had arranged for her trip and as she went out the door looking unhappy I kissed her (first time in a while that she seemed to want to kiss me as she left) and told her "You go take care of your family, I'll take care of the boys and everything here"

So instead of going to Retrouvaille as planned, we are separate - but that's the way things were meant to be this weekend. The boys and I went to a neighborhood party that we weren't originally planning to attend. Tomorrow I think we'll go hiking, and then to the beach on Sunday to make the most of the weekend we got back.

I've been in a bit of a angry mood this week. I think it is a response to both the end of the summer (with it's attendant change in routine, the sudden change of plans and my w's withdrawal. The recent vacations and work travel had really disrupted my GAL routine, and I had been starting to mentally rely on Retro as a way forward. Suddenly both of them disappeared and my w withdrew (understandably when dealing with the death) and I found myself angry and alone.

I could really hear the WAS script running through my head: "It's no use." "She'll never be able to change anyway." "This R and this M haven't been good in so long that I am not sure why I am trying." "I'm done!" "I'm out-a-here!".

Negative thinking. All of it.

Fortunately, I didn't express or act on it.

I am focusing this weekend on getting my GAL routine back to where it was before all of the summer vacations - regular racquetball games, workout partners, guys nights out. Since I work from home and don't otherwise get out of the house, I REALLY need that. Otherwise (as I started to in the past week) I start relying on her for my social support - and God knows she is not there for me right now. Time to get independent again.

I have now rescheduled Retrovaille for 3 weeks from today. Fortunately there was another one - in a different town but also not unreasonably far away. We now each have to go through the interviews, etc again, but that shouldn't be too hard this time.

Last edited by Thinker; 09/19/09 02:19 AM.

Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
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Hey Thinker,

I can relate to what your feeling. My Retro date is in 4 weeks and there are times when I believe:

(1) my W truly doesn't love me anymore
(2) it's never going to work
(3) we've been unhappy for far too long
(4) my W is never going to change
(5) she's not going to snap out of her haze
(6) who is this woman and I don't like what I see

But then I read some of the success stories, like Orich's experience for example, and my positivity and hope return.

Hang in there...I'm rooting for you.

-LFH


ME: 38
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It must be a big disappointment to have to postpone Retrouvaille at this point. And I am a big one for saying that you shouldn't let anything get in the way of going. But you did the right thing. I believe there will be a reward in the end. You have changed so much just in the last few weeks, really becoming a great husband to your wife. And I think she will recognize it. Your self-awareness is SO impressive.... identifying that nagging little voice in your head that encourages you to slipslide away as you get so close to your destination. Keep up the good work, Thinker.

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Thanks Sara and LFH


Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
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Journaling:
A good weekend so far. A neighborhood party (kids invited) last night. Brunch with the boys, then they gym, then hiking in the woods up to a local waterfall this afternoon (S1 in a backpack, S4 and S6 holding my hands or running ahead), then a backyard BBQ with our neighbors.

Tomorrow the boys and I are headed for the beach - one last time before it is too cold.

Mrs. Thinker is still with her family - will be headed back tomorrow.

I finished the Retrouvaille application process (again) today. Also, since my parents are no longer a childcare option (see earlier posts crazy), I have been trying to arrange childcare for the weekend. It seems that a favorite babysitter would be available to spend the two weekend nights here, so now I just have to find some friends who are willing to take the boys while the babysitter is working her day job.

Moving onward...

Last edited by Thinker; 09/20/09 03:15 AM.

Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

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Journaling:
Finished a great (and exhausting) weekend with the boys by spending all day yesterday at the beach. I thought it would be to cold, but the weather turned out to be perfect.

Mrs. Thinker is home now, after her own emotionally exhausting trip. We're all glad to see her.

We had a short discussion about the childcare arrangements for Retro in 3 weeks. We are both still committed to going, although she is complaining a bit about the follow-up sessions ("Every Sunday afternoon for six weekends!!"). I'm not going to push it. She can decide whether it is worth it later.

Another busy weekend coming up here - family camping trip and S4's Birthday party.

Last edited by Thinker; 09/21/09 03:02 PM.

Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

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Hey thinker.

Taking my S9 camping this weekend too. Pray for no rain.


Me 43, S11, D7
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Journaling:

Haven't posted recently as there isn't really all that much to say. I'm working. She's working. We're raising kids. We're cooperating. There's not much else to the R right now.

No fights, but no real connection.

Inside I want more, desperately, but can tell that she is not interested or is not capable of more right now.

I was just reading on GIMA's thread and his mood there seems to be paralleling mine right now. I am frustrated and tired and often feeling a bit walk-away-ish myself. I also often feel like initiating an R-discussion to tell her how I am feeling. I'd like to make sure she know that I am not happy and that if things don't change, she will lose me. But for now I am refraining.

I know that I can't go on forever like this.

As the LBS, we always say we wish our spouse had said something to us earlier - when there was still enough there to be able to fix things. What is it we wish they had said?

Again, I am taking a deep breath and saying nothing...

Retrouvaille is in 15 days.

Last edited by Thinker; 09/25/09 02:33 AM.

Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2
M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08
Walking away from a bad situation.

My Sitch

Strength and Compassion
No Resentment
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Quote:
Retrouvaille is in 15 days.



And you can hang in there until then.

We are in a bit of the same place right now. Funny how its not pain or sadness but a lack of those things coupled with a little impatience, anger and frustration that I feel tonight.

Last edited by givingitmyall; 09/25/09 02:39 AM.

Me 43, S11, D7
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