My husband and I have been separated since December of 2003. My son was only 2 months old at that time. Long story, told in the Newcomers forum. But since this forum seems aimed at people who are already separated I thought I would ask for advice from those who may have been there...
Over the course of the years since we separated, the amount he visits us has dropped from every few days to one weekend day each week, to a couple of weekends each month, to not at all for several months in 2007, since he reappeared in our lives it has been about 4 hours a day for one day every 4 to 6 weeks. And he often promises to show up and then doesn't which causes a lot of grief in my household. Our son knows H as daddy, and is very attached to him, but honestly I don't think he is any more attached to him than he is to various other relations that visit us frequently - often more frequently than my H does.
I don't want a divorce - but neither do I want to spend the rest of my life holding on to a non-existent marriage. After 5 1/2 years, I have come to the conclusion that it is probably time to move on. But what I am wondering is how painful is it going to be for my son, considering he has never known my H as a full-time, live-in father? It shouldn't change his life all that much, H's behavior and long working hours over the past few years pretty much guarantees our local family court judge will give me 100% physical custody. But when H does bother to visit us, right now we still have a friendly relationship and can still do things together as a family - which I doubt will continue if we divorce, especially when/if one or both of us move on to other relationships. We have only talked briefly about divorce - H says he doesn't want one either, but that he doesn't foresee us ever living together again - I think he feels that living with us would be more day-to-day responsibility than he wants in his life - he really is married to his job. He doesn't want to give up his 100+ working hours a week lifestyle, and he feels that having a wife and kid at home would "oblige" him to be home more on nights and weekends.
well, I'm divorced and my kids dad sees kids every week 2-3x a week, as you point out at this point it would be a formality to get the paperwork done as your "h" has his own life, comes a few times to play dad and then go his merry way thinking all is well. Do you live for the few times he comes over? is that really worthed, after so many years to hold on to those crumbs? I think you deserve so so much better than that kind of life. Your son is already living like a kid from D with a pretty much non-exhistant dad. If his dad wants a relationship with this son he will still be able to have visitation, custody and visitation are not the same.
Frankly, it seems this arraingment only benefits your H, and leaves you and your son hanging until that man graces you both with his presence. Step back as see things for what they are, your H is having his cake and eating it too, 5.5 yrs of this life is wayyyy to much to live like that!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat - no, I don't live for the times he visits. In fact I honestly wish he would just decide to disappear from our lives entirely. He constantly talks about moving to San Francisco and I wish he would just do it! I don't love him anymore and there's not even a shred of physical attraction between us now - in fact he pushes me away if I as much as try to put my hand on his arm. I haven't filed for D b/c 1. his health insurance is fantastic - I would lose it and my employer doesn't offer it; 2. I am a Christian and have been told that it should be my non-Christian husband that should file; 3. My H has stated that if we do get a D, he will petition for weekend custody and even though I believe he wouldn't use it even if he had it, I don't even want him to have the legal recourse to take my son away from me overnight. My H lives with his mother, and my son is literally TERRIFIED of my MIL - she is very verbally abusive to pretty much everyone and she used to slap him around when he was younger before I stopped letting him visit her w/out me present. And I know my H well enough to know that he wouldn't think twice about leaving S at home alone with his mother should he get called into work on a visitation weekend.
well, the health insurance is a tough part, some D allow the W to be covered under her X's insurance, you'd have to research that part out. I'm a christian, and I believe that D is the last resort, as it its you might've as well be D already as he's practically abandoned the home, you have a valid reason if you do file. About visitation, if it comes to that, you'd have to specify that due to his mom's behavior your son could not stay alone with her if his dad isnt' around, and he'd have to work then you'd have him, something you can work out as I do, if x has to work I simply keep the kids. It was hard at first, but I had to get used to not having my kids for a few days.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
