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My H and I have been separated in same home but he thinks things have not gotten better with us, so he will likely move out this weekend. He says he wants to DATE me to see if he feels there's anything left to salvage. Our first "date" is tomorrow. I need advice.

This is what I want to do: tell him how misguided he is to move out, tell him out it will devastate our oldest, tell him what an a**h*** he's being, etc. I KNOW I can't do that-I've read DR three times. I know I have to be happy, upbeat, but inside I'm seething and sufferring! I really need advice on how to go on a date with one's husband when you know they'll be walking out on you 4 days later.

My thread in case more info is needed...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=24877


Me 39
H 42
M 11, T 12
S 10,6
D 3
EA 2007
separated in same home since 3/10/09
Joined: Jun 2008
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If living in the same house didn't make him happy, what makes him think that "dating" you is going to make him any happier.

I think he has to see that first before anything else. That the problems go beyond you. He has to face his own unhappiness first.

How do you feel about the date? Do you want to go? If not, then I would suggest against it since both of you wouldn't be in the right frame of mind. Maybe give it a cooling off period, and then date.

I just feel that he's doing it to settle things in his own head to make him believe that "hey I did everything I could". I don't know where the WASs get these ideas from, but going out on a token date isn't going to make them happier. They have to "want" it to work first before going out. Even if it's a little desire for things to work out. If they don't have the initial desire or feel like they're "forced" to do it, it's not going to turn out very well.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi stuck808,
Well he did suggest the date so it's his idea. I am a bit ambivalent about the date. I'm glad he is still at least pretending to be working on it. I'm just puzzled as to why he doesn't want to be in the same house, yet wants to go out with me. I do worry he is doing it to appease his conscience. The reality is when he moves out , he'll be moving in with Mommy and Daddy in their lake home. Mommy will cook and wash and he'll have a boat at his disposal, so life will be great for him. He also has all his adoring woman friends, some of whom are now divorcing, so he won't miss life here at all. So I guess my point is he'll never face his unhappiness, cuz he'll have such great escapes from it.


Me 39
H 42
M 11, T 12
S 10,6
D 3
EA 2007
separated in same home since 3/10/09
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
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OK, so the date is tonight. He confirmed last PM that he will be moving out this weekend. AND he's meeting with his attorney tomorrow, but says he is not filing yet. Please, anyone, any advice on how to handle this dinner!!!


Me 39
H 42
M 11, T 12
S 10,6
D 3
EA 2007
separated in same home since 3/10/09
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,326
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Hi 2inlimbo

It is a very difficult situation you find yourself in and I understand why you have such mixed feelings. However, I would say - what is your main goal? By your presence here I will assume it is for your husband and yourself to reconcile. You can't stop him leaving but you can plant that seed of doubt in his mind that it is the right thing to do. The date is the perfect opportunity.

Do you know what you are doing for your date yet? Dinner, see a film?

I would set everything else aside and concentrate on having a good, fun night out. Make sure you look good, make sure you smell good. Have fun getting ready to put you in a good mood and then have a great time. Relationship talk, him moving out, the devastation to your children can all be discussed at another time.

That would be my advice. Let us know how it goes and good luck.

J


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
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If your not up to what JCJ is suggesting.... say your busy. Then be busy.


M:47
M:18
D16, S19
1st S 1/08-5/08
Reconciled/May 7, 2008
Left again Nov 9, 2009
I Filed: Nov 17, 2009
Final: April 14, 2010
EX walked away from kids too



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OK, I did it! Despite the fact he is meeting with D attorney tomorrow, I was upbeat, interesting, funny, flirtatious AND I asked no controversial questions!! I really think I should be nominated for an Oscar because it was a lot of acting! I wanted to scream, cry, reason, but I heard a voice in my head saying "shutup!" and I listened!

OK, now the high is over and we're back to him moving out sunday and seeing an attorney tomorrow....the glow is fading, the victory seems small....


Me 39
H 42
M 11, T 12
S 10,6
D 3
EA 2007
separated in same home since 3/10/09
2inlimbo #1785249 06/18/09 11:00 AM
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So despite our good date last night, H is meeting with the attorney today for an "informational session". He insists he's not filing. He's moving out Sunday but says he's still willing to work on it. I don't know what to believe. His actions seem to contradict his statements. Was wondering if others out there have had experience with similar situation.


Me 39
H 42
M 11, T 12
S 10,6
D 3
EA 2007
separated in same home since 3/10/09
Joined: Aug 2008
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I really wonder why your H wants to move out on the one hand, and then date you on the other hand. And couldn`t he just go see an attorney without letting you know if it was just an informational meeting? seems like he`s still trying to hook you in and leave you dangling along.

Maybe his moving out will give you both a clear space to recover from the crazy dance. To detach enough to see if there`s something decent worth saving instead of engaging in a game of fear/control.

Maybe LRT mixed with the Love Dare thing confused him too-now you want him/now you don`t. Would it be a good time now just to `go dark`?

Perhaps keep your focus on healing you and minding the kids?Let him make his own journey to find himself and what he wants.Maybe in this game we get too caught into minding our partner`s life and not minding our own enough!

Take care!
((((2il))))

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Thanks, Fallgirl! Good advice as always!! I am so caught up focusing on his every action, every word, so filled with fear, anger and disbelief...I must get back on track with GAL. Let the chips fall where they may...


Me 39
H 42
M 11, T 12
S 10,6
D 3
EA 2007
separated in same home since 3/10/09
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