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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
This would seem to be a spiritual war as much as a marital one.

Pray for her daily, that she softens her heart. My sister likes to say "God will break you, before He fixes you," but then she'll add "But you have to be WILLING to be broken, first."

So true.

Puppy


VERY true, Puppy.

God gives us free will, but He is a powerful motivator to get us to accept His will.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW


M40/H36
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Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7



ManofGod34 #1784105 06/16/09 04:46 PM
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Thanks SMW! Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
I Corinthians 13:7

The word of God is and Jesus is the only way I'm able to endure this battle. I learned through this experience that it wasn't just W that brought problems to this marriage but me too.


"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
ManofGod34 #1784106 06/16/09 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: ManofGod34
Thank God you understand that it is a Spiritual War too. I do pray for her daily with many people. My W was told by Benny Hinn and many other ministers that she has a calling on her life. W was sold out to Jesus during her youth but has been running from her calling during her teen years. As soon as, I totally gave my heart to Jesus, the problems began to happen. Believe me PDT, I has grown so much spiritually in the battle. I was so weak in the beginning, but I'm so much stronger today because of this. I have learned alot of things about myself too which I'm thankfully about.


Just realize that she has free will, and that His timing may not be yours. And that He may try to use this horrible situation to teach you things and grow you in ways that might initially seem painful.

That was (and still is) tough for me to understand. I'm usually like "Lord, your will be done, not mine," and then I complain and don't understand when He doesn't fix things the way I think they should be fixed!!

I guess that's the "my own understanding" part that I'm not supposed to be leaning on, eh?? smirk blush

Puppy

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Yeah,I have told God many times that it's not mine will but yours. All things work together for the God. I have been learning to be patient and not try to be God.


"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
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I agree with PDT that this is a spiritual battle - our enemy is trying to destroy yet another marriage. I have my story elsewhere in this forum, but one of the things I failed to mention there is that part of the reason I think my H doesn't want me back is because I got saved about a year after we stopped living together, and he is not only a non-Christian but he hates all things Christian and pretty much all things from ANY established religion. He is really into the occult and paranormal stuff and so is his mother and also the woman I have been told he is dating although he has denied it. The fact that I am going to church every week and getting involved in church activities really bothers him. I've been surprised that he has allowed me to involve our son in it, I honestly expected he would sue for custody over my raising our son in a Christian environment. But apparently he'd rather do that than take on any responsibility as a parent and I guess I shouldn't complain since I don't want my child raised in a household controlled by the enemy.
But God can change the heart of any man (or woman). I would say continue to pray for your wife and for your marriage and don't agree to a divorce unless you feel that God has released YOU from the marriage. As well as the DB book, I would highly recommend that you read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson - it's a great book, especially for someone who admits they have spent too much time trying to save their marriage by giving in to their spouse's improper behavior.


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Thanks TER! Yeah, the enemy wants to steal,kill and destroy our marriages. Most ppl divorce today like they are dating. We are both in spiritual battle but ours are different. My W is a preacher's daughter and grew up in church. W even Attends church but doesn't have the "fruit". W wrote me a letter months back telling me that she knows that she can't make it without Jesus and also that she needs to submit her life back to him. W told me to have faith in her that and that she loved me. Then friends etc stir W up, and she gets back on the D trial. God will get the glory in the end though!! I just have to be patient. God is working behind the scenes in our situations, and we will count everything all joy in the end.


"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
ManofGod34 #1784188 06/16/09 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: ManofGod34
At the moment, the best thing for me to do is focus on me and my D that is almost 3. My W has been luring me in for months then dropping the bomb over and over. W uses her parents and friends also. She thinks the world revolves around her. Of course, she wasn't like this towards me before we M. W was doing the samething she is doing with to her parents. Her father is a pastor and didn't put up with her clubbing etc. W eventually rebelled against her family and moved in with me secretly. She would park her car different places and tell them she was staying with different family members. When I got saved, W make comments that I act like her father. I think my lifestyle switch has alot to do with so of it. W doesn't view me as to fun party guy anymore and is getting attention from OM.


That seems to be a recurring theme with WAW's.
Attention. The thrive on it, external validation from other men pumps their self-esteems artificially but take them out of that environment for a bit and you would notice they get moody, depressed, etc. They don't get their fix, they go into withdrawal.

Couple things to think about, I know I went through the entire range of changes. Being a nice guy (aka man exhibiting weak, wimpy, wussy behavior, acting like a martyr, look at me, don't you love me, after everything I've done for you, etc.), to be being the uber strong, ultra confident, strong willed man with boundaries who commanded respect from everyone. Now I'm looking for that middle ground and I think that's where you will need to be eventually but you have alot of growth to go through, I sense that when I read your posts.

You want your wife back. She knows it, she knows you want her back really badly. You are conquered, you present no challenge to her and that is boring to her so she'll take her time to make a decision with you and it will drive you crazy, it probably is right now.

One thing you need to make clear to yourself and really burn it into your brain: you need to love & respect yourself more than anyone else, more than your wife, more than your kids, etc. There's a reason for this. You will be the example for your children so that they develop healthy self-esteem, self-love & self-respect - they will learn not from your words, they will learn from your example, even at a young age, it's really the only way children learn. Become the best person you can possibly be for yourself.

Another thing you have to remember, women will not respect men who they can control. Your wife has a fair amount of control over you, admit it, you can feel it, she holds all the power and you just sit there and get your leash tugged on, that's gotta suck after a while.

The hardest thing to realize in all of this is that you have to be willing to let go of the people who don't love & respect you or value the relationship enough to do whatever it takes to fix it. You need to know & believe this and your wife needs to know that you finally know & believe this and it can't just be words coming out of your mouth, it has to be how you carry yourself around her.

Start limiting your contact with her, stop focusing on her. When she is nice & respectful to you, you mirror that and then some, smile, be happy and be a great person. When she starts acting hurtful & abusive to her, set her straight, tell her in no uncertain terms "I won't reward your crap behavior with my attention anymore, maybe the old me tolerated this before but I'm not that person anymore!" and then leave the room, leave the home, just leave the area and don't entertain her bratty behavior anymore.

When you start respecting yourself, when you start setting boundaries with how she can treat you and how you choose to live your life, you will see a difference in how she treats you and you will feel the difference in how you experience your life.

Have faith in God, definitely.
But remember, you are empowered by him to choose the shape & direction in your life. He won't wave his hand and make everything perfect for you, he has foreseen this path in your life and has given you the tools (regardless if you know it or not) to handle this situation in your life. You can't just pray to him for strength, you have faith in him, have faith that he has already given you the strength to deal with this in the right way, you must have faith in yourself, believe in your strength & ability and act accordingly. Don't wait for any special signs, if you pray to him, ask him for clarity on this part of your life and then every time something happens in an argument, in a hurtful behavior from your WAW, think about this clarity and think about how to proceed - many times you will get many revelations and many "AHA" moments and alot of times you will realize that your actions will be the opposite of what normal male logic would dictate in this situation.

You have prayed for strength, for resolution to your problems.
Have faith in God that he has given you the required ability to deal with this, pray for clarity on how to use your talents & gifts and fix this problem in whatever way the resolution manifests itself as.

From my own experience, a woman prefers a strong man, a confident man, a secure man, someone who will be reliable in the many ways that a man can be reliable (and that doesn't just involve paying bills & fixing things).

Don't be a wimp, Don't be an overly strong gorilla, find your middle ground and take it from there. Be the strong wall for your wife to lean on, up until this point she has been punching holes in your wall and breaking it down easily, time to show her that the wall is made of stronger stuff right now - if she tries to punch holes in your "wall", show her that it's stronger and won't be broken down anymore.

Good luck bro, I'm rootin' for ya!

robx #1784200 06/16/09 06:36 PM
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Thank Robx!! You were right on brother!! Yeah, I have been portraying myself as a wimp and that is not who I was before. I was an All-Star running back that was very confident. W has been stomping me to the ground and destroying my self-image. It is my fault because I allowed it. Time for a change!! Your message was definately inspired by God.. I receive it!


"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
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I just went to Barnes & Nobles and bought "Love Must Be Tough"! Thanks!! I can't wait to read it.


"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
ManofGod34 #1784319 06/16/09 09:43 PM
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My D2 babysitter called me today because D said she wanted to see me. D was laughing lots hearing my voice on the phone. That experience really touched my heart. This experience is what drives me to fight for my M. It is sad that the children has no clue what is going on but are affected mightily.


"Suffering is painful but makes you a stronger person".
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