Stuck - I have been trying to call H since the day he failed to show up. Haven't been able to get through to him. Even went so far as to call the MIL and was told he got called away on business unexpectedly and she doesn't know when he will be back. Not sure if I believe her or not - she said he had to go to Tokyo and normally he does tell me if he has to leave the country, it wouldn't be like him to leave me out of the loop on his international trips. Of course not bothering to tell me might just be him emotionally detaching himself even more from S and I. But the MIL lying to me wouldn't be unusual either. Mishka - DR didn't say the private school was necessary, just that it might be a better place for him. If he goes to public school, b/c he needs to be in a small class, he would probably get relegated to the classroom for the learning disabled - which would be horribly unfair to him as he is extremely intelligent. The private school I am considering allows a maximum of 8 children per classroom which would be ideal for him while still leaving him in a normal learning environment. I wish I could keep homeschooling him, which is what I have done for kindergarten, but now that I am off disability I can't afford to not be working. SID is not considered serious enough for me to apply for disability for him. I don't know if the court would force my H to pay for the school or not - he already gives me $800 a month, I make $800 a month, and the school is $300 a month. So they might tell me to take it out of my own income if it is so important to me. Especially since H is supporting his widowed mother and his late father's widowed sister as well - both of whom are seniors with health issues. If I took him to court, the CS payments would probably go up to about $1200 a month (yes he makes a lot of money) our state law is 17% of the non-custodial parent's income for one child up to a maximum of 40% of the income for 4 children or more. I did talk to a divorce attorney when he first mentioned the idea of divorce 2 years ago, she told me the court would very likely adjust his support level DOWN because my parents don't charge me rent and I have no utility payments which keeps my costs of living fairly low. But - I desperately need a new car if I am to continue working and I also have astronomical medical bills which I am paying off little by little every month, and my medical costs are likely to be a regular part of the rest of my life since I have heart meds I have to take daily and I have to have a stress echo and kidney and liver function tests every 6 months to make sure that everything is working properly. And if we divorce, I lose the health insurance we have through his employer, so I would have to work something out in that regard. My employer is very small and doesn't offer benefits of any sort.
I have decided after reading a bunch of the posts here that I am going to stop initiating any sort of conversation with my H unless it is absolutely necessary for the sake of our son. I am also going to start proceedings for a legal separation, which doesn't require a lawyer which I totally can't afford right now, the only divorce lawyer in my area is $250 an hour which is more than I make in a week. At least a legal separation will get me a legal custody and support settlement and also in this state frees me from any financial obligations on his debts which is good since he has even more debt than I do. But a legal separation WILL allow me to retain his health insurance. I am no longer going to call him on Sat and Sun mornings to see if he will be visiting. Nor will I continue wasting my weekends off sitting around waiting for him to show up knowing that he almost never does. If he comes out w/out calling and we are not here, that's his problem for not letting me know he is coming. Maybe after making the 2 hour drive from his house to ours a few times for nothing, he'll start giving me fair warning when he wants to visit.
I am no longer going to call him on Sat and Sun mornings to see if he will be visiting. Nor will I continue wasting my weekends off sitting around waiting for him to show up knowing that he almost never does. If he comes out w/out calling and we are not here, that's his problem for not letting me know he is coming. Maybe after making the 2 hour drive from his house to ours a few times for nothing, he'll start giving me fair warning when he wants to visit.
Hi! I've been meaning to get the time to post here, and you sound like you're doing really great!!! That is all wonderful!!! Consequences are wonderful. I was doing that too, my H doesn't always tell me about times either although we are now putting together more of a set schedule. I realized I was sitting around kind of waiting, and I'm done with that. I think you should stick to all of that--sounds really good.
Also, my kids were both diagnosed with SID also. Then a few years later, also with autism spectrum. Apparently a lot of kids with autism spectrum have SID. Wondering if your son has mild AS that might help with documenting the need for the private school?
It does sound like your H has lots of expenses, but you do as well. The legal separation sounds like a good idea for now, that's for sure.
BTW, I'm homeschooling my 2 also. It is really nice for kids with special needs. I may have to place them in school next year also, so we'll see. Karen
KAREN43 SAID: It does sound like your H has lots of expenses, but you do as well.
He does have a lot of expenses but his total household income is way higher than ours. He makes about $120,000 a year, his mom has his dad's pension which is close to $40,000 a year, and his aunt has his uncle's pension which is pretty decent as well. Whereas my dad, my mom, and I all work, and we still bring home less than $40,000 a year between the 3 of us. So it tends to infuriate me when he uses his mom and his aunt as "excuses" as to why he can't help me out more with things like a new car or tuition for S. Yet he just bought himself a brand new car last week and his previous car was only 4 years old! Not to mention the motorcycle and the pickup truck that hardly ever get used but he has to have them anyway. Boys and their toys you know!
I've had my son tested for Asperger's and that's actually when they diagnosed the SID instead. H's brother has Asperger's and I think H probably does too but he has continually refuses to get tested. He does have some problems with short-term memory loss and concentration that are most likely due to heavy drug use in his college years. When S was about 6 months old, we went to a bookstore one day and were browsing in different departments, and my H forgot we were with him and went home w/out us! It's a very annoying problem but it's also the kind of problem that will keep him from getting any kind of overnight custody which is definitely a good thing from my perspective.
H actually showed up for a few hours this afternoon - w/out calling in advance. H and S played football in the lawn and flew a kite and played video games for a while. I totally ignored H unless he spoke to me first. He finally actually asked if I was mad at him and I said what did he think after the way he broke his promise to come out last weekend and made S cry for the better part of last Sunday? After that he pretty much stopped trying to talk to me and I just sat on the couch and read a book for most of the time he was here. He'll probably show up next Sunday as well - he almost always shows up on the weekends that his CS is due which is always the first Sunday after the 20th of the month. Plus with it being Father's Day assuming he remembers that. He never showed up for Mother's Day, his mother guilt-tripped him into spending it with her instead of me even though she has him every day and I only get him about once a month.
Is anyone here familiar with Stockholm Syndrome? Where people get "addicted" to their abusers? Sometimes I think that is why H is so tied to his mother's aprons strings still. My BIL told his wife, who told me, that their mother abused them terribly when they were boys - including sexually during the years when their father was on the road for months at a time. I'm sure that's a big part of the reason why both of them have so many emotional issues. I often wonder why BIL was able to cope to the point of discussing his past with SIL, whereas H has never brought this up with me. But after the way she treated them when they were kids, it's hard for me to understand why he not only lives with her but supports her now that he is almost 40 years old. BIL and SIL ran for the other side of the country as soon as they could and haven't been back since (S has never even met his cousins) - why hasn't my H reacted in a similar fashion?
Be firm and set a specific schedule as to when your H can visit. Don't wait around for him. do it for yourself and your son.
As for Stockholm Syndrome, in terms of your H it's totally different. SS is when you are the victim and you become sympathetic to the cause of your captors. What your H has is approval issues with his mom. Because his dad wasn't around, he's still trying to get approval from his mother. Even though it was sexually abusive in the past, he still seeks her love. He interprets it differently because of the abuse.
That's probably why he can't seem to "love" you because the only one he loves is his mother. Or he could probably find love with someone who abuses him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think a lot of the WAS are dysfunctional in some way; a lot with difficult or even horrible childhoods from what I've seen. My H has an alcoholic mother; both parents were kind of absent and they were raised largely by a housekeeper from what they've said. I think it's probably difficult & sometimes impossible for the WAS to have healthy Rs unless they do some serious counseling and work on themselves. And many don't of course. I do believe though that anyone can change and get healthy if they wish to and do the work. But they have to come to that themselves. Karen
Well I haven't heard from him now in over a week. I am trying very hard to keep myself from calling him. Yesterday was a real fight since my son really wanted to see his father for Father's Day. But since he never called to make arrangements I just let it go and he never showed up so I guess he didn't care. I thought since his dad died only a year ago he might like to spend the day with his son to make it a little less painful remembering his own dad, but apparently not. Of course by not showing yesterday he is also now a day late on child support since he owes me on the third Sunday of every month - but I'm used to that and he hasn't been more than a week late since January although he's been really bad about it in the past. I WILL contact him if he doesn't pay me, that's not something I can afford to let go - but that and emergency situations are the only things I am going to contact him about from now on. Am I the only one who feels like marriages among 30-somethings and 40-somethings right now are just dissolving all over the place? Seems like everyone I talk to who is close to me in age is either divorcing or having really serious marital issues.
