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In retrospect they now seem (to me) to have been potentially repairable, or attempt-to-repair-able at the least.

That "in retrospect" is important, though -- how did WAW characterize them to you at the time and, more importantly, what was your response? Did you agree with her evaluation? That's important because now you aver that in your current sitch your challenges
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are all repairable/attempt-to-repair-able, IMO.

But WAW does not think so, does she? So to what extent are the issues in THIS marriage like/unlike the issues she related from her PREVIOUS marriage?

Why do I ask? Is it possible that this is a pattern for her? That she consistently avoids doing the work in challenging relationships? That it has been easier for her to run than fight? You yourself describe a
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pattern in her life of making a decision/last straw on people who have hurt her (H1, her father & mother, my mother, a friend/acquaintance or two, now me) to sever the R. Completely. Fini.

That's very important and could have a profound impact on your DB goals, because if running is her pattern then you have a much, much more challenging task -- you're not simply engaging a temporary (regardless of duration) dissatisfaction or unhappiness with "an" M, you're engaging a core personality trait.

Ironic, isn't it? You might actually have more in common with H1 than you thought! Poor old H1 might have been up here on the DB boards himself, dealing with this same challenge!

But the bigger issue (to me) is this:
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Re: my D1. Totally different bizzarro sitch (except for my initial pleading. Did lots of pleading.)

That, my friend, is what we call a "Weasel." Just how different was the sitch really -- and I don't mean the facts, because the facts are in a sense irrelevant. I mean in terms of your behavior? Your patterns as an H? (And indeed in terms of your coping behavior -- did you handle it better then than now? Why or why not?)

Give you an example from Le Monde du SmileysPerson. Foreign Female Friend is on her second M, possible second D. What she's finding is that, while she'd long thought of D1 as "no-harm/no-foul," she's reenacting a lot of the same behaviors this time 'round -- and, realizing it, is consciously changing them. (She's very, very good, is FFF, at The Work -- most admirable.)

Patterns. We're all about Patterns, we frail humans. This is an opportunity for you to uncover your patterns. The self-help maven Tony Robbins (divorced though he may be) speaks of patterns a lot. He characterizes Our Way of doing things like an old vinyl LP -- we move by tracks and grooves. So scratch the record, it doesn't play the same way again. One thing DB'ing allows us to do, IMO, is scratch our own records.

So what's your pattern?

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Hey Gardener..

Here's how I make decisions now:

If I feel it's the right thing, the answer is yes.
If I know it's the wrong thing, the answer is no.
If I can't decide or waffle, the answer is no.

Some things you know right away. Some things become clearer with time. Writing down your thoughts helps organize them. People rarely balk at organized thinking.

What to do with the house has evolved as time, logistics and reality have seeped in. It's a practical solution. Assets in divorce lose their warm fuzzies and become 'stuff'.

I'm off to be the momma..

*hugs*

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SP,

Whew!

You're not gonna make this easy, are ya?

Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
So what's your pattern?

(I highlighted only this one - for now - because it stopped me in my tracks)

Oh, boy. Where to start? And I have started. In IC.
Thanks for your thoughtful input. And the work assignment(s).
Lotta thinking to do. Lotta work to do.
I'll respond later (might take a while).

Thank you.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Gardener,
You do what you have to do for YOU. If she comes back around in the process great.
This is my rule of thumb: I don't do ANYTHING I'm not willing to do for the rest of my life. For example, I like to do laundry. I do his too because that is something I am very content to do forever. I'm grateful I'm healthy enough to do that. I continue to clean the house, because I'll do that for the rest of my life. I play with our son, because I love it and will be more than happy if our son stopped growing and stayed three forever. (He won't.....and that makes me sad. LOL!)

I will not have sex with my husband three times a day every day becasue I'm not willing to do that for the rest of my life. I have things to do no matter how enjoyable that aspect of our relationship is, it's not realistic. I won't be sitting at home waiting for him to get there so I can rub his feet every night. Again, I have things to do and while it might entice him for a while I can't keep that up. I won't let him be disrespectful to me now because I can't ever let that be my way of life......etc.

Understand?

Do what you have to do to make you happy, completely outside of her and what she brings to your life. You have to be happy for you, then you can make a happy life with someone else. She has to make herself happy then she can make a happy life with you. While all of this sounds soooooo simple it's hard. Especially when the WAS is blaming the LBS for all of their unhappiness. Just like you can't make them happy, you can't make them unhappy exclusively either. But someone has to be blamed because surely, they aren't the source of their unhappiness.....

So forget her issues. Work on your own. Do not do things "in hopes it will turn her around". Because when it doesn't you'll be disappointed and backslide and be angry. Do what you need to do with no expectations. When it's you who is the gauge, you are much happier and more successful because you can control you.....nothing and no one else.

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Thank you. You're right. SmileysPerson is right.

I happened to post a couple of people yesterday that I seem to DB my best when I adopt the stance of "Face it, this marriage is over".

I have to admit that everything I've been doing - pre-db [i]and[/i] since-db - has been almost exclusively to repair my marriage and reconcile with my friend. And the entire post-bomb seven-month history of my situation has been characterized as us (she) growing further and further apart.

Gotta change that. It's hard.

Wonder what would happen if I changed the name of my thread to "Jumping out"?

Think I'll go call IC and sched next telecoach...


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Well, don't give up on your friend.....but dont' put so much weight into saving the marriage. That's not your concentration. You should be concentrating on you, because face it, we can all improve and in that process if that saves the marriage great. But if not, you are still the best you you can be.
Very important.

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Originally Posted By: stillloveshim
dont' put so much weight into saving the marriage. That's not your concentration. You should be concentrating on you


This is the root of my problem. Looking at my recent posts, frame of mind, and life (up, down, up, down, down, down, up, down, etc.) I have been resisting this and have been doing everything solely to save my marriage, dammit.

To borrow 12-step jargon, I think I "hit bottom."


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Save YOURSELF. IOW ~~~ being the best Garden Gnome you can be is your job right now. Golly, I sound like Coach smile But seriously, he would say that and he'd be right. This is the only thing you can control right now.

As far as your beloved is concerned - what you can do for her is quietly study her. Listen to her. Recall what she has said in recent past and consider it. Fold these things into your new reality and see what new sense it may make.

Cheers ~


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
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Originally Posted By: Greek
Save YOURSELF. IOW ~~~ being the best Garden Gnome you can be is your job right now. Golly, I sound like Coach smile But seriously, he would say that and he'd be right. This is the only thing you can control right now.

As far as your beloved is concerned - what you can do for her is quietly study her. Listen to her. Recall what she has said in recent past and consider it. Fold these things into your new reality and see what new sense it may make.

Cheers ~


From God's lips through Greek's post (and everyone else's) to my ears.

Thank you.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Not so much hit bottom....you just don't know. You are learning. Just do whatever you have to do to feel good about you. The rest will fall into place. I've seen more progress when I concentrate on me than any other time.
Do it, trust me.

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