Matilda, I'm starting a new thread, so that you can reply to my last post, if you wish.
The title of the thread is from a lecture given by Tara Brach. It's a story of a golf course that had wild monkeys living nearby. The golfers were perpetually frustrated, that the monkeys would keep moving their golf balls. The course staff tried in vain to relocate the monkeys, but eventually relented and bent the rules to accommodate the presence of the monkeys. The metaphor is life is like golfing with monkeys. We're not always going to get a peaceful game of golf.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I am still trying to imagine your wife, her "friend", and you going on a trip together. Of course, when she starts being crabby maybe you and her friend would have a better time together ....without her!
I am glad you explained the "golfing with monkeys"!
Matilda, I'm dragging my feet on the Puerto Rico trip. I don't have a good feeling about it. The trip was not originally planned with me in mind. My W's friend booked the trip for two weeks unilaterally, and then later changed plans on her, leaving her without a companion for half the trip. This is where I come in.
I told my W that I'm being invited to patch up her trip. I told her that I wasn't in the original plans, and am now needed as a back-up. She can't understand why I'm not jumping at the opportunity to go.
I have doubts about being a threesome with those two. The nature of their R is unknown. I haven't been out in public with my W since February. I'm not sure I have the desire to invest in planning and implementing a trip with her.
We joined the world travel group to save money on trips, by staying with host families. This has been put on hold. We would have to dip into her savings to take this trip.
I've been reading in my dog training book by Cesar Millan that boundaries comes before affection with a dog. You must first have his respect. I'm wondering if relationships with people are the same. If that's the case I have some adjustments to make in how I relate to people. Maybe practicing leadership skills with my dog will help me with being assertive with people.
I'm thinking that unless she can convince me that she wants me to go because she would really like me to be there, versus fill a companion slot, I will likely pass on this trip. She can change her airline ticket and still go for a week, and save some travel expense. I think of this as her trip versus our trip.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I do feel it would be a great boundry for you to pass on the trip unless she wanted you to be there for your wonderful company and not to fill a void.
Assertive might be the key to help you deal with her disposition.
Jak, I told my W this week that I will not be joining her for the Puerto Rico trip. I was hoping she would scale-back the trip to one week, but she still is going two weeks. I think there is too much distance in the M at this time, and that I don't want to invest the energy required of a trip. I don't know if she's aware of how much distance there is on my end, and that I'm in a just say when frame of mind regarding D. She didn't pressure me into going, but said that I had made a thoughtful decision that was best for me.
My intention is not to cause harm, but I think a logical consequence to her behavior over the past six months, of sleeping elsewhere, being involved with her dance friend, and her lack of commitment to putting boundaries around the M. There also wasn't any planning financially for this trip, so I didn't want to dip into her savings to fund my end of it. She has made improvement with respectful communication.
She continues to put attention towards the household, buying a new umbrella for the the outdoor furniture. She also has been allowing the dog to stay with her on her days off to save money, and lessen my daily commute.
I don't invite her to my lessons or my outings to dance venues. I consider this my recreational time, and don't want relational problems to taint the evening. I am willing to share with her what I've learned at home.
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]My IC says that the LBS must be willing to lose the M, so that he/she will act fearless enough, so that essential changes can occur in the R. Easier said than done, but true I'm afraid.[quote]
I took what you posted on another thread and put it here to respond to you that I totally believe this and that I am getting there slowly.
Cl, I think you made the right decision not going on the trip with your W.
I am glad to see that W is being more respectful in communication between the two of you.
Have a wonderful day.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Matilda and Jak, I met with my IC yesterday and he also validates that I made the right decision to not accompany my W to Puerto Rico this summer. He said that it is not my role to fill her need for a companion. She needs to show interest in restoring the M, and acknowledge her role in the problems. He thinks I'm doing a better job at setting boundaries.
He also supports my decisions to not invite my W with me to dance lessons or the venues I go to. It's OK to protect my space and not have relational problems taint my evening. She can go to any venue I go to independently, and drive herself. I would still dance with her, but would not consider her my partner for the evening.
I noted and he validated that I feel a twinge of sadness that I have to enforce such boundaries. I feel badly leaving her at home, when I know she wants to join me, but letting her come would not move the R forward.
I've been having some back problems for a few weeks. Maybe the stress of the situation is part of the problem. I'm having trouble sitting on soft chairs or any chair for any length of time. It seems like the entire area around the lower back and buttocks is inflamed. There is frequent pain extending down into the buttocks, following periods of sitting or inactivity. Walking, dancing, or lying down seem to help. I have a job that requires a great deal of sitting, so that may also conribute to the problem. Advancing age also plays a role. The problem is more annoying than debilitating. I'm still able to dance, but fatigue more quickly.
I found an alternative medicine book for back problems and have started taking fish oil, 2000 mg. daily, Tumeric, 400 mg. twice daily, and will add Bromelain, 1000 mg. daily all to manage inflammation. I see a chiropractor weekly. I've started walking my dog almost daily to strengthen the legs and back. I've increased the amount of yoga stretching I do, and target the lower back and legs more.
I hope this works, and hope that the problem is mainly muscular. I trying to keep this from becoming a serious problem. I've heard about more serious back problems, that I want to avoid, where the pain is more intense, and people are immobilized. I may add glucosamine at some point due to my age.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sorry to hear about the back pain. Do you have access to a gym? I ask b/c back extensions (done on a roman chair) is a great exercise for functional movement. You can buy or build them too. The only time I had a back problem, as soon as I could, I started doing these and it really helped me. Like you I dance and do alot of walking and take supplements. Not getting any younger ; )
You sound comfortable with the boundaries you're setting and stong in your mind.
