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This is the most trying time in my life. I am feeling so much pain my wife told me back in the beginning of April that she has become emotionally detached from me and she has denied that anyone else is involved even to this day. I have been blindsided by this and It is so painful. I have been reading divorce remedy and doing the coaching. It seems to be working very slowly but what perplexes me is that the continued denial that she is involved emotionally with someone else. I checked the cell phone records for the last 5 months and man am I a fool. She has talked to her coworker many times. But I have noticed that this past month the phone calls have almost cut in half. I am hopeful that this is a positive sign that everything I am doing is working. I know this co worker also and I am unsure whether speaking to him would help or hinder my situation? And when in the process do I discuss the emotional infidelity with her or do I wait for her to bring it up and if she does not then should I let it go? We are going to counseling too and I am not sure it is helping. She won't come clean about it in counseling either. I don't know what to do except leave it alone I guess and do things for myself.

My info is
M 35
W 36
B 6
G 3
M 9.5

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I hope others with more experience will come along soon, but all I can say is from my own experience, if you don't have proof I don't know that I would confront her. You said you have been reading dr and doing coaching and that it seems to be working slowly. What positive changes have you seen? Slow progress is fine, it's probably what's expected. If there really is progress confronting her about something that really may not be happening could torpedo your efforts so far.


Me:42
H:47
T:11 yrs
M:5 1/2 yrs
Death of my step daughter in July 2008
He began relationship with OW in August 2008
H will be moving out in next couple of weeks
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Jman Offline OP
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What exact proof do I need? I just checked our cell phone bills for the first time in 5 months and it shows that jan to feb there were about 14 calls...feb to mar there were 18 calls,mar to apr there were 20 calls and end of april to the end of may there were 12 calls. Now in the end of april is when I started Divorce busting and coaching so I don't know if that is what worked so...Here is the proof...I have a counseling session with the therapist and her on Thurs and my gut says not to bring this up and keep it positive....But when in the process is this brought up?

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not to sound depressing, but what makes you think it's only an emotional affair? are you sure that's all it is? i went through the exact same thing. discovered calls, confronted her, she says only a friend. well, today she's moving a block and a half from "friend" in a town 45 minutes from me.

i totally hope for you that's all it is. i'm just playing devil's advocate and wondering what evidence you have that's all it is. good luck.


M35
H33
S4
S7
M6
T11
found out about OM 03/11/09
she left 04/11/09
she filed D 04/21/09
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Jman,

You'll need more proof than that if you want to confront. Does she spend much time on the computer, chatting?

Puppy

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Don't just check the call records. Check the texting records as well. You will be amazed!


"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
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well I would say, seeing as things seem to be working out for you right now and this affair seems to be coming to an end... maybe its best you let sleeping dogs lie. I mean what do you want more, your wife back or the truth? if you know the truth in your heart already and you even know the person, I am not sure how having her admit it to you right now, when she is still attached to this OP, would help you.

In fact I think it would do the opposite and you will make her run if you push this. If she is very ashamed of herself she wont want to admit to it. if you confront her and force the issue that forces her to face her shame - so she'll run away from you, in an attempt to run away from that shame.

You have to remind yourself here that just because she hasnt admitted it to you doesnt mean she isnt hurting over it and wont pay for it, because beleive me, the more time goes on and the more detachment she gets from the OP, the worse she is going to feel. I feel pretty sure that admitting to the affair can inded be very beneficial but not until OP has GONE. once hes GONE, hes no longer a threat. It can take about 18m to 2 years after an affair for the cheater to feel so guilty and so sorrowful for their actions they finally admit it to you. And in the end they admit it for THEIR sakes not yours; by then beleive me, if your M is going strong, you wont want to hear it! but the guilt tends to gather momentum as the cheater falls back in love with their partner. it becomes quite stressful and always in the mind that there is this UNTRUTH between you.

honestly even when confronted with hard solid evidence its not uncommon for the cheater to firmly deny it - very firmly. they are afraid. and when your M is already on rocky ground you probably dont need to take that risk. Think of him like a shadow. you want him to go away.

the only time id say the opposite is when the cheater wont stop.../ when it just continues on and on and is hurting, and there is no way the M can heal as the deceit continues. but right now, you have pretty strong evidence shes really trying. They wean themselves from the OP, because 1) it really is like a drug and 2) the OP is really, really hurt and p'd off. so guilt keeps them in contact. of course that not good and makes you feel bad, but just remember, as the OP isnt getting his way right now, you can be the smart one and let him do your good work for you!


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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FF,

I guess you're seeing a different "try" from her than I am. I see a wayward wife still apparently in contact with OM, and as long as she's getting at least SOME "fix" from that drug, she's never going to be emotionally available to her husband.

I also think it's damned near impossible for true reconcilation to happen on a foundation of deceit. Unless and until the two spouses can be fully honest with each other, how can they possibly begin to do the difficult work of reconciliation? Reconciliation in cases where infidelity was involved require different types of work, no?

Puppy

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Hey pup

everything you say is true, but beleive me, its a rare thing INDEED for a woman having an affair to break off ALL contact with the OM straight away. Really even if she claims that its probably unlikely, bc shes now got guilt over the OM. ALSO, men HATE LOSING (now I know you know this) and so, the OM is generally jacking up and acting all hurt and horrified and disbelieving, much like oh, a married man would!

so hes asking questions and asking does HE have a chance in fact hes asking everything a SPOUSE does. the OM is just as addicted to the wife as the cheating wife is to him. Its nice to think its all just sex with the OM, but seriously, thats rarely true. The ugly truth about affairs is, they tend to grow tentacles of emotions and fantasy, and thats hard to let go of. The wife tends to seek 'closure' and 'forgiveness' from the OM. YES ITS DANGEROUS and its scary and not fair to the H. but H should just accept this is probably the case - and for a SHORT TIME - try to ride THRU IT - because guess what??

phych 101 Pup, the OM is gonna turn into the SPOUSE; hes going to whinge and whine and bitch like no tomorrow and guess what, hes going to get ANGRY. if you are a SMART MAN, it might be best to just let this happen. Let it come to a nasty end. Do you see what im saying?

OF COURSE we would all PREFER our spouse immediately ceased contact with the OP right NOW (and we all demanded it. we are, after all, humans.) but dont let the knowledge that probably didnt happen drive you insane - because quite frankly, better the OM undoes himself and turns the relationship SOUR and into a BAD memory.

thats what I mean about

LETTING THE OP DO YOUR WORK FOR YOU.

it can be done if your smart and can hang thru it. believe me star crossed lovers are sickening. better the two of them face reality and hard conversations and sadness and tears JUST LIKE YOU DID. let the REALITY begin and the FANTASY die.

yea you have the fear it'll start up again and it MAY, but overall, the tarnish is setting in - wife is lying and clearly is telling her SPOUSE and FAMILY she wants it to work - no more fantasy about the hard done by badly treated woman who desperately needs to be saved.

get it?

Im going to add here that with no sad nasty ending, your wife will be JUST as uemotionally unavailble - possibly for a longer time - after all she has the FANTASY that will live on doesnt she. soemtimes a nasty end is the best thing that can happen... for all!

Last edited by FightingFit; 06/01/09 09:14 AM.

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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I get it, but I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. I would be inclined to agree with you if one has good intel that is indicating to them that OM/OW is melting down, getting needy/clingy, etc., but in the absence of that I think one has to err on the side of insisting on no-contact and as ironclad of a transparency plan as possible (and I realize that none are fully bullet-proof).

Puppy

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