this is a big deal for me... it my sitch the ex walked out for OW and never looked back no contact and hoped we didnt know where he was (but we did) he SO wanted to disappear he never even told his mother, until I told HER where he was.
fine, I accept my ex chose this silly idiotic OW to be with, its been three years in sept, im accepting believe me... but I still cannot accept why he abandoned our three kids, blaming me all along but it was all him... mostly I cant understand his thinking. basically he says the older two (15 and 16) are like, well not worth it, bc they "gave up on him" - um well he walked out when they were 12 and 14 so... he says to people "he only cares about youngest child" (s10) and I truly think thats only bc youngest child cant judge him like older kids can.
has anyone else gone thru this, where an ex walks away frm the CHILDREN? im desperately trying to find SOME kind of empathy and havent succeeded at all. sometimes i think im the only woman who ever had a father walk out on her kids and I KNOW tha cant be right... right??
IM very mixed up in a lot of feelings about this, on one hand im trying to be FORGIVING, bc I truly think he lost his MIND and OW and her family really worked him over on the other hand I think HOW could you just WALK AWAY FROM THEM. it was like eh thought they were old enough so SEEYA.
if anyone has experience with this id appreciate it, im finding it quite difficult atm to just get OVER the whole thing, not ME but the KIDS... my chilren are lovely, and surely just bc they arent babies, thats not a reason to walk out?
I have heard vicariously that hes told people he cant talk to his kids bc of the child support he owes me, which he refuses to pay, but i dont believe it personally... its just another excuse. he told people I kept his kids frm him, but my kids heard him say he wouldnt be seeing them or talking to them so yea its all lies.
do men who do this ever regret it? do you think he'll come back into their life and more importantly, how the heck am I supposed to handle that... im desperately afraid. i want to be a good person and a good parent. i know this is THEIR choice ifhe does return but on the other hand, I want to protect my kids if hes no changed and is still the same man, bc he was evil and what he did was quite evil and wrong, and he knows it too.
i dont even know why this haunts me bc it might never happen. but you know as i get towards 2 years of him being out of this country I am more and more aware the clock is ticking for him and he might come back - particualrly if it didnt work out with OW and I dont think it would have. she was waaaay too young. she'd have moved on once she 'won'.
how much forgiveness does one EXTEND in these circumstances... ifeel horrible for m y kids. I had a wnderful father still do. I cant even relate to my OWN CHILDREN.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
FF, I'm sorry you are here. However, if you could possibly keep to one thread, readers can then follow along with your postings and be more of a help to you.
About the spouse walking away from the children, if you continue to read the postings all over the forum, you will see that you are not alone in this mess. Many of them do walk away from their children and do not look back for a very long time, if ever. There are some here who have been fortunate in the fact that their spouses still spend time w/the children. But, over all, many walk away to rediscover the world. If your h is in mlc, it will take quite a bit of time before he makes contact w/them again. Three years is a long time, but what makes me think he's in crisis is the fact that he's not even told his family where he's living.
The comments he has made about the children are spot on. You are absolutely correct in assuming that the youngest cannot judge him and that will be the child he will reconnect w/first..this child will become his pal, his buddy. The other two are competition for him. You have to remember, if he's in crisis, he's acting out and will be about the same age as your two older children. Again, it takes a long time for the mlcer to grow up (in our eyes).
When and if he grows up, he will regret what he's done to his children. He's the one that will need to figure out a way to bridge the gap of not being there for them. Whether or not the gap is bridged will depend upon your children. Some children get to the point of speaking and/or not speaking to the parent that walked away. The respect and love tend to go by the wayside when they do not have contact w/their children. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about the situation...he has to fix it.
FF, all you can do is be the best parent you can be. Love your children, be there for them and show them that you do care, even when you are having a bad day. You are the lucky one...you have your children who are there w/you. What does your h have? A ow that doesn't amount to beans. Hold your head up high, do not allow his comments to others sway your thinking. For what he's saying are just excuses to justify why he's out there doing what he is.
You are the only one that can decide whether to stick it out, take him back if he returns, etc. Again, read some of the other threads on this forum...you will see that you are not alone. Many of them are struggling with issues of the spouse abandoning the children. You just may find some pearls of wisdom on the other threads.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thankou I appreciate it. I do try to keep to my "own threads" but I do also like to attempt to help others, which is why I reply to others also.... i didnt think that would be a bad thing here..? maybe bc I have experienced both sides of the fence I did think i may help...
im new so perhaps not
I have very much tried to read other threads, but, I shall try again. perhaps in the archives. thanks.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
I think you may have misunderstood me....posting one thread and keep that one going until it locks. When you have more than one thread out there, people cannot keep up with your situation.
Definitely read other threads and post on them....this helps with the networking and getting some much needed information to you. Never doubt that you an assist others. We each bring something to the table for the "family" to use.
Try to enjoy today!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
After a hundred or so postings, the threads lock. Why? Because they become entirely too long and they want to ensure that threads stay within a certain number of postings so that it is easy to follow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FF: I don't know exactly what you are going through but can understand the sentiment. My H walked away too, but we did not have children together. There were, however, my children he also walked away from. D13 still asks about him. When I decided to relocate back east, her first question was whether or not H was coming with us.
Although it is not the same, it is a bit similar. I don't think the WAS really thinks about the kids they are leaving behind because we are the responsible parent, and they feel worthless. Now, this is not an excuse. To walk away from one's children is wrong, and I don't care if the person is in a major MLC. It is different for me because H doesn't really have any ties to D13, but I have still seen the heartbreak it has caused her. I can't imagine what it must be like for your children.
I think you just have to keep in mind that the children will need you most of all right now. Someday, he will regret his decision, and HE will have to face that.
(((Hugs)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
FF: I don't know exactly what you are going through but can understand the sentiment. My H walked away too, but we did not have children together. There were, however, my children he also walked away from. D13 still asks about him. When I decided to relocate back east, her first question was whether or not H was coming with us.
Although it is not the same, it is a bit similar. I don't think the WAS really thinks about the kids they are leaving behind because we are the responsible parent, and they feel worthless. Now, this is not an excuse. To walk away from one's children is wrong, and I don't care if the person is in a major MLC. It is different for me because H doesn't really have any ties to D13, but I have still seen the heartbreak it has caused her. I can't imagine what it must be like for your children.
I think you just have to keep in mind that the children will need you most of all right now. Someday, he will regret his decision, and HE will have to face that.
(((Hugs)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
