PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

Kids and I had a nice day. Took them to tennis lessons in the afternoon. Then watched a movie together after dinner time. It's quite nice to know that H won't show up because he won't be here to ruin the mood. I am getting used to the idea of not having him around and it's not awful anymore.

SilverFox, you are right. You try and try and try and one day you wake up and think, 'Wow, I don't care so much anymore.' It's actually a huge relief.

I have no one to answer to but myself now. I don't have to answer to my kids because they know he has moved out. My parents are supportive whatever I do and it's SO GOOD to live an open, honest life with no inner turmoil or conflict.

I am true to myself, I am not lying to myself and I am not trying to turn around the situation.

I have finally achieved acceptance, I think, and it feels good.

This morning, I talked with an older friend of mine who has much more experience in life than I do. And while talking with her, I realize, actually, that I DON'T want this 'new' H in my life. In fact, he is toxic. He is unreliable and I just can't even plan my day. It's too stressful!

I need to get the toxic out of my life or else I would get sick.

Not having him around today just showed me that how peaceful life would be without his lies, excuses and guilty conscience around.

I now realize how lucky I am to be the LBS, as opposed to the WAS.

As LBS, I can live a life with no regrets, I tried my best. He didn't try at all. I gave it my all. I can now move on with a clear conscience.

He will have to live with his guilt and shame and more lying (to kids about presence of OW) for the rest of his life. How sad, what a fool.

[PositivelyMommy]

Kids and I had a nice day. Took them to tennis lessons in the afternoon. Then watched a movie together after dinner time. It's quite nice to know that H won't show up because he won't be here to ruin the mood. I am getting used to the idea of not having him around and it's not awful anymore.

SilverFox, you are right. You try and try and try and one day you wake up and think, 'Wow, I don't care so much anymore.' It's actually a huge relief.

I have no one to answer to but myself now. I don't have to answer to my kids because they know he has moved out. My parents are supportive whatever I do and it's SO GOOD to live an open, honest life with no inner turmoil or conflict.

I am true to myself, I am not lying to myself and I am not trying to turn around the situation.

I have finally achieved acceptance, I think, and it feels good.

This morning, I talked with an older friend of mine who has much more experience in life than I do. And while talking with her, I realize, actually, that I DON'T want this 'new' H in my life. In fact, he is toxic. He is unreliable and I just can't even plan my day. It's too stressful!

I need to get the toxic out of my life or else I would get sick.

Not having him around today just showed me that how peaceful life would be without his lies, excuses and guilty conscience around.

I now realize how lucky I am to be the LBS, as opposed to the WAS.

As LBS, I can live a life with no regrets, I tried my best. He didn't try at all. I gave it my all. I can now move on with a clear conscience.

He will have to live with his guilt and shame and more lying (to kids about presence of OW) for the rest of his life. How sad, what a fool.

[mdoodles]

gee, i cant wait to reach the point u are at! u sound great!

good for you!

[K4D]

I'm glad to see you are making progress. It is a shame the path that he has chosen to take. It is his loss. If you can be content in life without needing that around, you are miles on your way to recovery. Perhaps one day he will realize his mistakes and rethink things. But for now, you are doing well it sounds like.

Kevin

[karen43]

I was kind of thinking the same thing this am, I wonder how many of us here would get involved with our WAS as they are now, the kinds of choices and behaviors they've been doing. I don't think many.

I kind of went through that too. I was so dreading my H moving out and separating, but then I found out I was happier, the kids and I were having peace, and my almost constant migraine headaches disappeared. Who knew??? Karen

[25yearsmlc]

Oh Karen,

well said. If the WAS met the LBSer now, and all the "stuff" was KNOWN by the LBSer then only a masochist would even DATE the WAS...most would say "no thanks, I've seen the light" and don't need this in my life, etc..

j-

[lola485]

Wow, PM, I actually came on the board just now to post almost exactly the same thing you did! My H is out of town for shows this weekend, and I have had a wonderful time!!! This doesn't feel like the yo yo thing I have been doing, where one day I'm ok and the next not so much. This feels different. It feels REAL. Actually not looking forward to him coming home tomorrow. I'm ready for him to move. Good for you, keep the positive stuff going!!

[hope3343]

PM, hugs have not been around much. Catching up on your thread and you have really moved forward. Your decision is putting you at peace.

It is a sad for these waywards because one day they will wake up and no one will be there. But in the end it is us who decides.

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks so much Hope, Lola, Karen, Kevin, 25yrs, mdoodles. I am experiencing a very strange sensation.

I told you about my MIL. Well, she just called again. I know she wanted to convince me to go and bring the kids to visit her again. You know what, she is pursuing and I feel like the WAS and her the LBS. Boy, does the pursuing turn me off! Now I know how WAS' feel. It's really strange to be at the other end of the rope. She is pursuing, begging and I see it as pathetic and not very persuasive. The more she begs and complains, the more I want to run away from it.

We didn't get to talk exactly as she called at a bad time, I did put the kids on so that they can talk.

I know she is in a tough spot. I do have compassion for her feelings. But, as I told my brother today, I don't feel obligated to go out of my way anymore. When she met the OW, while staying with me, I felt that she has betrayed me. So now I don't need to go out of my way and take the kids to see her. H can do it, he is her son. He should be the one responsible for the kids' relationship with his mother, not me. I have my own hands full and my own relatives to care for and be responsible for.

It sounds heartless, I am not usually this way.

I used to be 'treat everyone the way that I want to be treated'. Now I am more cynical. Now I feel that 'I treat people the way they treat me. If they care for me and is respectful, then I will be respectful back. If they hurt me and don't care for me or my feelings, then I won't go out of my way to take care of them'. I gave her a chance, she blew it.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks so much Hope, Lola, Karen, Kevin, 25yrs, mdoodles. I am experiencing a very strange sensation.

She is pursuing, begging and I see it as pathetic and not very persuasive. The more she begs and complains, the more I want to run away from it.
INTERESTING INSIGHT ALL PURSUING LBSers SHOULD READ...

I know she is in a tough spot. I do have compassion for her feelings. But, as I told my brother today, I don't feel obligated to go out of my way anymore. When she met the OW, while staying with me, I felt that she has betrayed me. So now I don't need to go out of my way and take the kids to see her. H can do it, he is her son. He should be the one responsible for the kids' relationship with his mother, not me. I have my own hands full and my own relatives to care for and be responsible for.

It sounds heartless, I am not usually this way.
Nope, you sound as if you are setting boundaries....healthy ones.

I used to be 'treat everyone the way that I want to be treated'. Now I am more cynical. Now I feel that 'I treat people the way they treat me. If they care for me and is respectful, then I will be respectful back. If they hurt me and don't care for me or my feelings, then I won't go out of my way to take care of them'. I gave her a chance, she blew it.

Don't know how I feel about all that but then, hey, who cares how I feel? Seriously, do what you think is right BUT that does mean searching your heart for what is right VERSUS what is vengeful. I AGREE that you have to set the boundaries and ya da ya da but I just dont' buy into the whole "punish her b/c she betrayed you" although you are correct that she did betray you, STILL, what about the kids R's with her and what you may be doing to them?

Most importantly, I support your view that Your H and your MIL are responsible for their R's with the kids; NOT YOU. It is NOT YOUR JOB to make sure THEY see the kids. Just don't block it WHEN IT'S REASONABLE for them to be with the kids and that includes when it works for YOU.

You have primary responsibility for them thanks to choices you did NOT make but are stuck with. So be it. I'd keep the message simple. They're responsible for their R"s and you are not. Period.

But yes, I found it hard to know for ME, to know when I was setting/enforcing healthy boundaries, versus "teaching my h a lesson," or "showing him the consequences of his actions," and eventually I realized that the latter options were just forms of being punitive and rationalizing it. The line is a fine one, and it gets really blurry at times. Just a thought.

You are doing well. Don't let them get to you regardless of your choices. In the end, if you do right by your children, I can't see you regretting that. Ever.

(( j ))