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mdoodles, you know we are in the same position so I don't even have to tell you I understand. What I can say is that these guys are so right but it is very difficult. I'm struggling with it myself. I think we both know what we need to do its just doing it, crossing that threshold per se is what's hard. For me I struggle with being consistent. A whole month will go by without me being physical with H and then I give in. So keep struggling and it will get better. Just try baby steps and then it gets better. When I first learned of H and ow I use to say constantly I want my M to work, and I still do. But I profess that motto less and I think that was a good first step for me. Now, there are many days when I feel like it will be alright for me if H and I end it. I will be terribly lonely and will probably always love him but I will be alright. It gets better, there will be fewer and fewer bad days.

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mdoodles
I understand. Is it this? Is this your thought process: If I could only get rid of her somehow, get him home--I could show him how happy we could be? I just need the distraction of the OW gone and I know I can do it?
If it is, I think the same way.
But ultimately, I believe you can show him the real you, the you he fell in love with, whenever you want. Ow or not.
But I have to agree with another post: It's ok if he cheats on me if in the long run he comes home......that sucks.
But I also understand how hard it is to walk away. Especially when we've learned that the majority of couples who survive this crap are stronger.
Keep your chin up. You're not alone and you're not crazy. Hurt and pain and confusion are strange motivators. Just make sure you keep you under control and you do things you can be proud of.

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its so not ok that he cheats on me, and i have let him know this and he knows it without me saying.

for so long, i did not know, i think he thought he would come home and i would be none the wiser.

backfired.

and then when i did find out, it hurt, but i had him back home. i certainly let him have it, like he had never seen, but i had him back and i felt i could learn to forgive.

but that was last year and he left again.

and once he left, we started working our way back to eachother. and during this past year, he tried to make me believe things with her were over.

which brings us to 2 months ago, when he did come back home and we opened our business, attempting to leave the past behind us.

backfired again.

i know i have done everything i can, that this realyl isnt about me, its about him.

he needs to be strong enough to go through with no contact with her, strong enough to admit his faults and strong enough to work things through at home.

do i think it would be easier if she up and left him for good? yes.

but it ultimately will not solve the problems.

right now, im laying low in terms of relationship talk, being upbeat in his presence and on the phone.

im being me. thats all i can do.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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it does take time. hell it took me years. I can relate to how hard it is to just.. STOP... but it is like PositivelyMommy says, one day, you just wake up and think "I love who he WAS not who he IS, and hes just not ever going to be who he WAS again". and its like a death, really, its very sad.

I think we put off that death a long time til we can cope with the mourning of it.

its weird you know but in the end you kind of get to a point where you KNOW you could not love him who he is today, and you wonder about how any woman COULD really. but thats another quetion... they reinvent themselves. its not an honest reinvention either.

At least you have this: you had him at his youngest, most virile, most idealistic, most REAL. he had nothing to hide and nothing to lie about with you. lol NOW how sorry do you feel for the person who ends up with who he IS? a sorry man who hides his past and who he was and lies about every event that made him who he is today..? WOW you wouldnt want to be HER.

Like PM says, you do reach a point where you are still grieving and sad as anything, but also thinking 'yea, thats not what i want'. its the past you grieve, not who he is right now; that person you dont even know, or would want to know, or would care about. hes not on the same compass as you in life. ergo if he was in a different body, you wouldnt even know him or even be attracted to him.... food for thought

when you REALLY assimilate that more fully the OW wont bother you as much and as weird as this sounds you almost wish them on each other... bc your good enough to not wish them on other people...

i think you just reach a point where you realise there were THREE people in your relationship, you, the h, and "the marriage". and "the marriage" was like its own separate being in the end. and you try to breathe life into it and you shake it about and freak out that its dead, but then you just have the TWO of you, and "the marriage" is a dead thing between you. a corpse in the room *dark chuckle*.

im not that concise but i guess what im saying is, when you finall decide "the marriage" is dead you begin focussing on your own self more and seeing your partner without "the marriage" being there. as a separate being; then you think "wow! i dont even like you now!"

but like most things moving on is very sad and very had and most of us breathed life into the corpses of "the marriage" for oh, many years, before we saw our partner truly standing alone...


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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Wow, FF, that is exactly how I feel now. I see it as the rose-tinted glasses being removed from my eyes. I DO see H now as he IS.

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At least you have this: you had him at his youngest, most virile, most idealistic, most REAL. he had nothing to hide and nothing to lie about with you. lol NOW how sorry do you feel for the person who ends up with who he IS? a sorry man who hides his past and who he was and lies about every event that made him who he is today..? WOW you wouldnt want to be HER.


That's a good one. A nice way to think of your M and a nice reality check abt the current state of affairs (no pun intended). Yeah, it does su*k to be OW. She gets the drags, yet we got the real mcCoy. Niiiiiice.

Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 06/09/09 02:01 PM.

Me:39
H:40
S:9
D:7
First Bomb ONS:June 07
Second Bomb OW: March 08
Separated: March 08
M:15 yrs
T:18 yrs
H deep into A with OW
Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09

'Yes, I can.'
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went to the store today....h was all pissy because he had a big order to make.

to me, that is a good thing, to someone in his state, not a good thing.

i dont get him. i should stop trying.

i ended up walking out. the negative energy he gives off doesnt do anything for me.

and believe me, it had nothing to do with me.

interesting to see how he is later when he is here, i know my walking out affects him more than if i simply called him out on his odd behavior.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
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finally met with health insurance broker to fill out paperwork for the state health plan, which happens to be free!

as i pleaded my hardship, bloomigdales was leaving a message on my answering machine, reminding me about the sale. great timing huh. the lady didnt seem phased.

sometimes its so odd to think of the position we are currently in, although its nice to just chalk it up to the economy like everyone else these days.

so now ive taken care of the health forms and the house paperwork.

i feel accomplished in a sense.

still trying to detach myself from situation with h, trying to keep busy and schedule lots of fun plans for the weekend with my son.

in the meantime, h is nothing but nice and trying to keep me interested and waiting for him.

would love to see into the future....


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,011
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today my son was very upset when h left. i guess he is getting older and notices things more.

my h was acting so surprised, like he shouldnt be upset and was getting angry, most likely to deflect from the fact that its his fault.

he makes like our son should be used to his coming and going. i didnt even engage in a discussion about it, would get me no where.

what i wanted to say was, gee, ever think that coming home for a few months and then leaving again may possibly have an effect on him? ever think he realized he saw u every night and morning and now he doesnt?

but didnt say it. its obvious. and saying it to him would be in one ear, out the other, and probably start an argument while he defended himself.

i feel bad. i hate this.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 626
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Well, we can't see into the futre, so the best you can do is prepare for it and try to make it what you want.
My plan now is to be more like the girl I was a few years back. I've known for a while H would probably like that, but oddly only recently have a I realized, I would like it too. I loved that girl. She packed her car and all her crap and just moved to Florida....didn't know a soul in this town but did it anyways for a new job opportunity. It was an adventure.
I think you and I both need to lighten up.
So let's do it.

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its hard to prepare for the future when right now everything is so up in the air and a mess financially.

im as lightened up as they come, especially considering the situation im in.

i wish i could fully remove myself from the day to day nonsense and detach from h.

we are dealing with so much, and his affair only adds to it.


me: 31
H:29
Son:5
m:8 years in november
t:10 years
first bomb: 10/06
moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08
ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06
d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08
moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
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