Is anyone going to beat me about the head and shoulders if I suggest saying to him, when he is going into his "busy bee" mode of fixing things for you and you are feeling disconnected, just something like, "If you want to do something for me, do you know what would really mean a lot to me, emotionally? I would really love it if you were to give me some flowers." You could fine-tune the wording, but it seems pretty straightforward to me. Of course, _I_ have a nodding acquaintance with logic since I haven't had my brain abducted by aliens (at least, I don't _think_ so...)!
Glad things are going so well, Ali!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Kat, Dawn... I guess I was hoping for a little bit of romance, is all. A sign that he really loves me and wants to treat me like a special girl, not just the friends we were for 18 months. I dont care that much about flowers, and I hate roses!! And no, he wasnt one to send flowers, but he WAS romantic in the early days.
Hey Jeff.. you think? You could be right, maybe as he's worked through it himself and is 'back' so doesnt feel explanations are necessary! But he asked me tonnes of questions for about 6 months after he moved back in after my EA! The questions did come from him though and I answered, but I didnt bring it up..hmm.
K.. I wish I had read your post before seeing him last night! You think I should just forget it, perhaps you are right. We did have a good R, as in we related well to each other, loving, respectful, fun etc.. but I was a PITA, getting ill and moaning alot and with his dads death and then depression, as he said, he 'snapped' I guess.
So I'm struggling a little bit. Last night was odd, I realised he was distant and it wasnt just becuase he was cooking a roast and cant multitask, so I asked if he was ok.. he said "Ye-eaaahhh"..he clearly wasnt, so on the third time I asked, he admitted that he felt "aloof".. I panicked, I felt my stomach flip and offered to leave if he wanted to be alone.. he said no of course not! That he just felt a bit aloof but I was welcome there.. and then a look crossed his face as he said "Ohh.. its just work..." and gabbled something about rock engineering. I thought this is BS. When there is something wrong, men often just say either "I'm just tired" or, oh, its work... He said that all the time June-Sept 07, right up until the first bomb.
So this made me nervous, my previous, relaxed, being myself state went west and I felt a little afraid. Later, he did lie with his head in my lap as I stroked his hair and we watched a comedy show, but still seemed distant, something had made him be a bit withdrawn. I wonder if the reality of his choice is sinking in?
... he is still writing the report for Helens team (but says he is working on it alone). Also, his good friend C was dating his receptionist, who is 22 (!) and they just broke up, but he mentions her alot, she works at a pub in his village and they go to lunch together, with others at work. This also makes me nervous. She is very pretty and he said she was a great girl and he was a fool to break up with her.
I feel like I need help here! I'm feeling a little insecure, just as we come up to the 4 week mark. Kalni, you were right about that. So I tried to NOT worry and act as-if, but I feel I needing just a little reassurance, so far he has only once said "I love you"... when we got in from the pub and thats about it, no conversation. It was his idea to have me there for a roast and see me this often. Tonight we are supposed to be going out with friends, but I told him I am going to an extra Tang Soo Do lesson now instead and why didnt he meet G and Cher and another mate on his own if he liked. We left it that he would talk to me later.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think Ali, you I need to learn the same thing. We can't read something personal into every action, every word. If we continue this way, we are going to end up in the nut house all alone!! LOL Step back...would you want him analyzing everything you did and taking it as a possible bad sign? Of course not.
Maybe you should do 5 set ups or push-ups or something similar every time you have one of those thoughts. That will put an end to those bad thoughts huh!
One step at a time. Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It sounds like everything is going really well, and you are a lot closer to having things be back to "normal" than most of us at that stage in piecing. In fact once you got back together, it seems like things started moving very quickly.
From my own experience I have to say that I can count on 1 hand, maybe 2, how many times H has said "ILY" since I moved back in-and it's been 7 months. I remember Pisces, when she got back together with her H, also said that he never said "ILY", even though he would say other things showing that this is what he meant. In my H's case he says things about himself in the 3rd person sometimes, like "he loves you", and he often makes reference to me loving him. I know each sitch is different, but the inability to completely share these kinds of feelings seems to be a common thread. My point here is, don't let the words-or lack of them-throw you off.
Also sometimes they go back to being a bit distant. If it's any consolation, I am seeing this less and less, but it's only over the last 3 weeks or so that I have felt comfortable saying that the distance issue is mostly over. So in all likelihood you will get there, you will get to the point where he won't have these "episodes" or maybe he will and you will feel more secure in the fact that they really do have nothing to do with you. I know your BF was a walkaway, and I know that he was with another woman, but he has been through a lot to get to this point where he is back with you. You yourself have said that he doesn't have a history as a womanizer. I wouldn't assume that there is anything at all with this 22 year old. Sure, maybe she's pretty and a great girl, but he has chosen you.
What I had to do in my case was to retain a bit of emotional distance for quite some time. I don't mean to say at all that I actually got to the point where I was OK with the distance and thought it was easy to handle, but I got to the point where I felt that it was helping me move in the right direction. By emotional distance I mean not really talking to H about feelings, and certainly not showing any emotion when he did things that made me insecure. Of course it's not healthy to be an emotional robot indefinitely, but I really found that by giving this emotional space, there was less of a risk of my H demanding physical space again. I was leaving him to process his own issues, without adding mine to his shoulders. Is it fair? No, but it does seem to work and the end result is worth the initial frustration.
Anyway I think you are doing really well. Just keep in mind that it may not be smooth sailing for awhile, but at least you're on the right course!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I second everything ITH says. My H, too, took months to get to the point where he could say ILY regularly. He too would often say it in the 3rd person (still does, occasionally), or reference me loving him, etc. Also, periods of connection were followed by periods of distancing for months. But remember, they do need the distance in order to process their changes.
Part of my H's MLC was that he didn't want to feel he was with the last woman he'd ever be with (I think), and after coming back he still felt he wanted female "friends" for awhile. It took about 8 months before he came to the recognition that if he shared his emotional feelings with others instead of with me, it took away from our relationship. At that point he stopped depending emotionally on some of the female friends he'd made during his MLC.
And I totally agree that the only way to get past this is to act as if--to "hold onto" yourself so that you can remain upbeat and hopeful, without becoming too caught up in his mood swings. Also, it's a good idea to give yourself some space--evenings to yourself, etc--to focus on YOU.
By this point, you know what you want in a relationship, and it includes open communication, and it's frustrating and disappointing to have the opposite at the moment. But never lose sight of what your ideal relationship will look like, and gradually it will start to take on that shape.
My H actually never left home but he had an 18 month A with one of his staff and when I found out it was touch and go for a week whether or not he would go.
Once he recommitted though at the end of the week things seemed to fall back into place fairly quickly, like with you, BUT I knew that he still wanted to let the OW down gently and I had times of feeling distant and worrying. He was 100% transparent and was caring and helpful like your BF is being.
Just to let you know though, it took a full year before he out of the blue apologised for what he had done and said he couldn't believe he had acted the way he had. He said that he never thought he would be the kind of guy to act that way and he was embarrassed at being such a cliche. I don't know what prompted him saying those things but it really helped in the healing process.
So be patient, things will happen when they are meant to.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
She is fine. Talked to her today. She passed her degree!!!! So, I am offering drinks to celebrate until she comes back from pampering that beaver of hers... S
