Ali, please stop bringing Helen into the middle of it. Let's say for argument ask that this was a totally new guy. You knew that he had been with several women before you but he is with you now. do you really stop and bring everyone of those women with you into this R? NO! So don't do it now. You were apart and he dated someone in between your times together. Period. You will talk about why he left etc. later when you are both ready but for now drop her from your thoughts.
You are doing well otherwise. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My H and I have also started piecing just over a week ago and we haven't discussed things (although we have talked about some things over the past year). As your DB coach suggested, it is probably better to leave it for now and get on more solid ground before bringing it up.
I can relate to the insecurities that surface. Sometimes I think about H and OW and how I compare but I quickly try to dismiss those thoughts. You are doing great otherwise. I am very happy for you!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Hey girls.. Kat, thats good advice and ironically, exactly how I felt when I first dated him.. because he broke up with his then gf the week before...(he was in love with me secretly, hmm, second time that has happened !!). It never bothered me that he had been sleeping with someone else right up until we got together. So I feel the same way now.. yes, we were apart and it wasnt an A.. but, as Addie says, its human nature to compare and worry a little, but I also lose the thought again a second later, or let it go should I say. I actually feel completely calm and relaxed and happy around him and have no anger or bitterness or need to forgive.. only bits and bobs. Dont know how I managed that!
Addie... Hello!! I read your post and saw H came back and I was SO happy for you too! We have been back together 2 weeks now. Its wierd isnt it, to be in this position, dont you think? I missed him like mad, it was agony..now, I shower him with kisses when he wakes up and he smiles and does it back and its all so lovely and natural, its like the last hideous 2 years went up in a puff of smoke, like a bad dream.
Although having said that, I have learnt so much, I wouldnt change it. I just wish he came back a bit sooner.. May was stretching it! He was on his last threads with me. But, the R we have now is so much healthier already I think, we both seem to have learnt a lot and appreciate each other more for it. I said to him at the bomb... you dont value me and you dont value what we've got. Hopefully, he does now. What I mainly sense from him, is relief. Relief that he got back on track after his detour, that he got me back and came back to love, he just oozes relief and seems much happier and calmer in himself than the past 2 years.
Sounds good. Keep your head up, dear. Take the good w/the bad and remember it is a long process still even though you two are "together" again.
Michelle posted "DON'T take it personally!" and you've got to do whatever you can to keep this in mind. It was hard for you to accept when he was gone that it wasn't about you, so you have to work harder to remember that now that he's back that it isn't about you.
His depression will work w/him in different ways, so remember to detach and keep your feelings separate from his. If he's having a bad day, you don't have to have a bad day too.
Well, wierd day. He wanted me to go over to his again last night, I said no, I was too tired and frankly, I wanted some time to myself! He said he would ring me in the morning, which he did and was here by 12. He got me new printer cartridges, to save me a trip out and installed them.. and altered my box for my installation, rewired some cables. Took him several hours. G and Cher came over but I was busy, so the three of them went out for a few hours. When they came back, he insisted on changing the wheel on my car and took the rubbish out. By the time he left at 6.30...I actually wanted him to leave. Funny huh?
Theres something funny going on and I cant work it out. Perhaps its resentments surfacing? He's just SO fine and normal and said he wanted to help, enjoyed his day helping me, called me just now to say goodnight, said he will call me tommorow, wants to do something tommorow night...
Maybe he is in a rush now to get back to normal!? For me.. I am wondering when the conversations kick in. I think all this attentiveness and helping me (and phoning 2-3 times a day) is pretty overwhelming for me after 18 months alone, but for him, my intuition says it is making him feel better. He wants to help and be supportive, I think he feels tremendous guilt for how badly he treated me now that he realises he loved me all along. He didnt want to stay though. So he wants to change my tyre, but not sleep with me?
I cut my finger badly today. I was fine. He was very worried and fussing over me and insisted on reapplying plasters all day. I'm looking at him thinking, I survived alone for 18 months with much worse than a cut finger to deal with. I had 2 counsellors a week, an emergency phoneline and cried every day for the first 4 months.. where were you then!??? Now you want to cover me in plasters? Its sort of a bit surreal !
When he left.. he even said he would push the hoover around and cook my tea for me before he went (he was eating with a friend). I told him no, its ok, I'll do it...
..I found myself telling him I didnt know when I could see him, I had Tang Soo Do tommorow (I dont have to go) and was meeting a GF Tuesday (dont know if I am yet).. how wierd? Seems it is ME that is needing space and he is the one pushing for more. I am feeling very odd about things. I dont want him to take my bins out, rewire cables, change tyres and cook me tea. Nice and lovely as all of that is, I would rather he ravished me, or took me for dinner, or bought me flowers. Is this normal for a returning WAH???
I guess I feel its all a bit pragmatic/perfunctory/mundane?? and NOT romantic. Wheres the passion??
Rob - He doesnt seem at all depressed anymore! He seems happy, relaxed and calm, wierd hey??
I guess I feel its all a bit pragmatic/perfunctory/mundane?? and NOT romantic. Wheres the passion??
Maybe NOW you understand me a little bit? And you have gotten more, double than triple, more than that even than I have gotten in 8 months?
Hold your horses. Back to basics. What are his LLs? Is he trying to love you the way he wants to be loved? Maybe tell him what you need in a subtle way? I dont know. I obvioulsy messed up in the is stage but I think you have no reasons to worry about... xxx K
I have to tell you that it can take AGES to get the passion back and life in the bedroom rekindled. I can only speak for myself here, but I remember reading about other sitches with similar problems. Do you remember Pisces? She got her M back, and there was no OW, but her last few posts were about the lack of sex (hadn't been a problem in their M before).
In my case, when H wants it, he really wants it, like multiple times in a night. On other occasions he says he feels pressured. I suspect that there are also residual effects of depression. I know depression can have a huge impact on sex drive, and I think this is especially the case when the partner is someone meaningful rather than a band-aid for depression. In my own sitch, H wanted it all the time when we were S, but my guess is that he had pushed his feelings for me to the back burner. He was cold and distant, except for in bed. Now, he is a lot more affectionate, but sex is still a touchy topic-even though there was no OW. I think beyond the depression, there is probably guilt too. Your BF must still feel wracked with guilt, even if not always, on a subconscious level it likely plays into his actions.
I know some people get the fairy tale fresh start with flowers and passion, but I think that in most cases the fresh start is gradual, and things like passion and romance come later. Your BF is probably doing what he feels comfortable with, which seems to be showing his affection by doing acts of service. It really seems as though he has come such a long way, and you're only just beginning this new step. If it were me, I would try to focus on the positive things that are happening, even if they are not everything that you want at the moment. Others may disagree, but I'd say that DBing is not over. Maybe the way that you approach things is different now, but there is a still a long way to the goal. The goal has just moved from getting a second chance, to having a healthy and fulfilling R. There has been a lot of damage done, even if you completely forgive him, and even if he completely regrets his actions. I just have to stress that it takes time to move past those feelings, no matter how well under control they seem. Again-no OW in my sitch, but there are still triggers that make me feel sick, nauseous, and temporarily go into a dark and hopeless place. Just the memory of how H was around the bomb still sends shudders down my spine. From his side-he is still resentful about things that happened ages ago and these crop up in conversation every now and again. Things are getting better though, and the times of panic are lessening. I guess my main point here is that just when you thought the process couldn't take any longer, it does! What you're dealing with is totally normal, and not at all a sign of anything more than the fact that things take time.
Hope you're enjoying your day!
ITH
Last edited by istherehope; 06/01/0910:05 AM.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm interested to see where this is all heading Ali. ITH has some good points. Your BF may not be acting depressed right now, but he will still have lingering effects from the guilt he probably feels. Let him work through it at his pace and I have a feeling everything will be fine.
You said you weren't really all hearts and flowers and romance the first time around, right? So why would this time be any different?
Sooooo.....projects almost complete? I'm so excited to see them!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
