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paul hi

yea well theres nothing wrong with hoping and holding onto it. you can do that and go dark at once, if your mentally strong...

just remember to take care of you when going dark... get to a gyom my man! work OUT. go HIKING (that really means just go walking where bikes cant go.) learn to COOK. in fact, become AWESOME. you dont need books just GOOGLE the recipes. then COOK them. amaze yourself. its fun. (I leanrnt to become a really great cook and its the best thing from the breakup ever.) potter in your garden. plant some herbs. be a fool an go to the early morning markets for fruit and veg. GET OUT THERE. and do it alone and do it for you.

and each time you find yourself having fun, and you will, you will think "if only she could see me". but remember its not about her. its about you... getting on and realising theres a pretty wonderful assortment of things to do in this life but you have to actually DO them to realise they are fun.

some things you'll give up on somethings, tho, you will take to and adopt, things surprising even. things you never did before. Go to the horse races, see some car shows, stuff you didnt normally do. its amazing how much is out there you never explored bc you were in a relationship. friends may ask you to a concert or out and you will want to say no, but go. find a new music genre. paint your house. learn to whiten whites. experiement with crepes.

BECOME AWESOME.


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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Once again funny you say that about a concert, I was asked by a women to go... She was not asking directly but was hinting .... I may go just to do something but I think her intentions are other wise...
And I loved to cook already but can do more of that...
LOL whiten whites yes that is good guys don't do this often...
Thanks for the ideas, need to hear those...


Hope things are good for you!


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
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Flight,
One thing I waned to ask, my not contacting her.. will she look at me as the "bad guy" when she's in this frame of mind... you know? even when I was contacting her she would not answer the phone or return messages? Now that I don't it will be my fault in her eyes?


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Posts: 12,602
Hey Fighting Fit,

When you get a chance, I'd like your input on my current sitch.

thanks!


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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stuck I have tried for the life of me but cant find your post, im sorry im not very proficient with this site, theres a lot here. can you help me out, title or something?

PAUL... my friend, your gonna be the bad guy no matter what you do thats why we go dark, because at least then, we cant be blamed for sticking our noses in and trying to hard. it doesnt mean you dont respond to HER should she come to YOU, but basically means you concentrate on your life, and respond only when asked to.

in the end no amount of advice really matters to your sitch believe me - advice only helps YOU not the marriage; thats up to her as well, if shes not going to be in there helping it then its going to fail. One person alone cant make a two person marraige work. its like rowing a boat with one oar. you go in circles. you can HOPE she comes to the boat and picks up that oar but you must get on with life realising, she may never.


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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Hi FightingFit,

Here is the link.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1782759#Post1782759

I know, it's a little confusing getting around here now with the new layout.

Thanks in advance.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 126
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Posts: 126
QUESTIONS WE ALL HAVE ABOUT THE AFFAIR... and ANSWERED.

1) Do they love them more than they did me?
No. They are infatuated however, and probably the last time they were infatuated was 20 years ago. Infatuation is a strong emotion. Remember your first? right. Imagine that all over again. Now. dont be jealous. its not that great to be 'infatuated' as an adult and acting like an idiot. People will go to great lengths for the 'fantasy' for their feelings.

2) Is the sex better? is it all about the sex?
yes and no. the sex is NEW. not better. stop beating yourself up thinking your a dud in bed. no, your just OLD in bed. but in truth, the lovemaking you had had history. so you want to know heres how it is: its exciting with a new person because its all new. but the old partner had all our buttons down. TRUTH. so stop comparing. or wondering.

3) What do they see in him/her?
They see someone who thinks they are fantastic. great; sexy amazing and smart. They see someone they dont know very well and feel desperate to know every single inch of them (refer to infatuation.) They like the mystery, the newness, more than anything. but heres the REAL ANSWER: they can reinvent themselves and be someone else. NICE, when you have been sick of who you are for years. they can be DIFFERENT.

4) What does he/she see in HIM/HER?
someone to save most likely. Dont kid yourself, the OP isnt an evil being. Your spouse has lied to to them a lot and cried on their shoulder and told a lot of fibs about how hard done by and misunderstood and ignored they are, to justify why they are there, with them, and NOT with their spouse. This OP truly beleives you dont appreciate them, know them, or care except for yourself. this OP truly thinks that your spouse deserves to be 'appreciated'. They feel quite justified; if you had loved them better it wouldnt have happened - its not their fault. their mantra is "your marriage was in trouble before I came along". the fact they're right does cause a bit of a sting. but dont be fooled, it doesnt take away what they did.

WILL IT LAST?
Probably not. But I wouldnt hold my breath waiting. The average is 2 years but 5 is not rare. However in MOST Cases, during the 2 to 5 year mark theres no longer YOU to blame anymore and the excitement has died down a lot. The spouse doesnt need 'saving' from you anymore - your probably long gone. What generally happens is, boredom sets in. Lets face it an affair and then a marriage/family breakup is really exciting. Rather humdrum after thats all gone. The OP often ends up running away with an old friend actually. (they were both really surprised!)

IF MY SPOUSE CHEATED ON ME WILL THEY EVER COME BACK?
depends and its individual. Some dont. the shame can keep many away from even trying. even after its long over. So, theres often not much point in holding on for the breakup. After that happens they generally just have double heartache to get over - the one with you they never faced, and now this.

IF THEY CHEATED ONCE WILL THEY AGAIN?
two answers to this. one is YES some will because a line was crossed and guess what the world didnt end. one is NO because so much pain was experienced they wont be touching that stove again. You have to make up your own mind. Certainly cheating with no consquences would lead to more cheating.


When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
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Thanks FF. I've been reading all your posts to try to understand what my W is going through. You've helped me more than you know, especially with your comments that it takes 18-24 months after your A ended for you to really get OM out of your system and to start letting your H back in.

She had an 9 month A. I discovered it after 6 months. OM is a player who has had multiple A's on his W. I exposed to OMW, that pretty much ended the A, but W kept trying to get together with him (he had moved about 200 miles away right before I found out for sure) for another 5 months as they were still talking through email/IM (just like your 2nd or 3rd post said).

March a year ago I saw on her cell that she tried to get OM to visit again and he blew her off with some lame excuse and that was my breaking point. I made an appointment with a lawyer, I drove to our S20's school and told him and when I got home I told S17. S17 shredded his mom. He was brutal with her. And that was the end of the A.

It's been a long year since with periods of distance from her and periods of closeness and intimacy. The last 3 months or so she seems to be really figuring it out, but still doesn't wear her wedding rings or say 'I love you'.

I'm trying my best to be patient, but it's so darn hard when we have these periods of great times but there's that one thing holding her back. I'm assuming it's the guilt. And right now, things are pretty good for her. She doesn't have to move forward which would require her facing her demons and she doesn't have to go back, because I haven't pushed her to really deal with the A (understanding how it happened, etc.)

Ok, this got longer than I intended. I'm over in Piecing if you want to read more.

And I'll second what you say about OP's not being better in bed even though it's "new" and exciting. OMW told me that OM started ordering some herbal thingie off the internet (after he started sleeping with my W but before she or I knew) that is supposed to make your "manhood" larger. LOL. Guess all his A's are trying to make up for other things lacking in his makeup!


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
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Flight,
I think if you click on stucks name it gives you the option to see his posts....


Me 40
waw 39
Never formally M
Common law
SD 16
SS 13
Together 9 yrs
bomb 10/2/08
She started dating 11/08
Started P/A 01/09
Contiunes to call R over
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3,975
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18 to 24 months after the A ends is how long I can expect to wait to see any changes? Wow. But in my case, W is still pursuing addional OM after the first A. She told me she would be going out with other guys. I feel like I am really screwed in that sense because it isn't just one A, but looks like multiple ones coming. We are separated. She filed for D but then let it get dismissed but still has nothing to do with me unless she needs something or it relates to the kids.

What can I expect out of this? Like so many others, she used to be the loving caring faithful saving marriages type of W. And I blew it in so many ways.

Thoughts?

Kevin

Kevin


Me 36, W 37
M: 08/02/97
D13, D9
1st Bomb 02/08
Reconciled 04/08
2nd Bomb: 09/08
W filed for D 02/04/09
Separated 03/09
D dismissed 06/09/09
Still separated...
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