While I sincerely apprecaite all that Puppy has done to help me through my sitch, I am grateful that you have been willing to open up and show us guys the other side as well. Just reading your thoughts, feelings and insight has been great.
My sitch is outlined under the thread "relapse - new affair". Puppy (and others) have been very helpful for the past week. (God, it's only been one week since I confronted W about the A).
As you can see from my last post, I'm wondering deeply about what to do next. I have some many conflicting emotions, but after relapsing myself over the weekend and "waffling" on what I need to do, I know I need to confront. But when?
I appreciate any help, suggestions, advice you can provide as I work through this.
After she admitted that she did text him she managed quite successfully (with tears offcourse!) to convince me that I should not rubbing it off on her face anymore which I agreed though I told her she needed to learn from what had happened. Since that night, she tried to convince me that everything was back to normal. She started to show me the text that the guy had sent her (nothing that raised the red flag, really).
Then, about a month after her confession she told me that she was affraid of getting pregnant because of our passionate and rejuvenated sex life. I told her jokingly that I really did not mind to have more kids as her sister also recently had another baby, besides the chance is very slim for her to get pregnant again since she had her tube tied 8 years ago when she delivered our youngest daughter. But she seemed so concern about it and asked me to buy her a pregnancy test. I did buy it and it turned out to be negative (off course!!).
I actually do not want to play shrink here, but her distress mood about the possibility of getting pregnant were never happened, and it bothered me. Later when I was able to check her past schedule, I found that there were days my wife and that guy (only two of them) had to come early before the rest of the shift. So yes, the opportunity was there for the physical contact and I was blind all this time.
When I asked her to avoid making contact with him except their working contact she seemed to agree. Then it turned out that this guy always had reason to contact her. Once, I asked my wife to skip working on his shift, he quickly text my wife to show his concern and offered her to take another day off. There was also an incident when I dropped my wife at work early in the morning all of sudden he came (lucky me I was still there when he arrived)then I could see my wife panicking, convinced me that he should not have been there that morning. I did not say anything and tried not to be prejudice. Then my wife went in to the office with this guy (again only two of them)and moment laters I saw him shot off and my wife came to me saying that he must have been wrongly read their rota. I ended up helping her that morning before another person came and helped her. Now it was not that difficult to find out that the guy had actually worked till night the day before that (usually they finish around 12). And it would have been impossible for him to have another shift this morning, he knew that, my wife also knew,and I was the dumb one.
I know I am still in denial of all this although the signs were there all along........
One more question. When you said your H changed into the person you wanted...did you tell him what was wrong with your R? Did you open up and specifically tell him what your needs were?
The closest thing my W told me was that she just didn't feel "in love and attracted to me anymore". And this is after a year and a half of this craziness. I think the closest thing she told me was that she held little resentments against me that she didn't tell me about at the time. When I asked her for an example of on of the resentments, she said like when I would forget to take out the garbage on some nights. I can't believe someone would D just because of a few missed garbage days.
Kind of hard when you're just shooting in the dark.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
FF could you lend your expertise to my sitch for a minute, please? My H started having an A in Oct/Nov of 07 and moved out Dec. 07. He and the OW have a 6mo old baby together (he lives with his mom) and now he wants to come home.
My problem with this scenario is he will always have to have contact with her and despite what he says, I know it is still at least an EA. I'm seriously disheartened and the damage he has done and continues to do to me emotionally is/has taken a HUGE toll on me. I don't seem to be able to make him understand that he is killing what little feelings I have left for him by his reluctance/refusal whatever to end the BFF/EA chat with her and only have contact that relates to their D.
Any thoughts, help, suggestions, 2X4s? I'd appreciate the insight. thanks, S&S Pup, swing away...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Because I know in my heart what I need to do, I'm still wanting someone to tell me what I want to hear and you my dear Pup are the voice of reason (reality) that I so need to hear.
Nothing personal my friend, it was more of an invitation.
Sorry for the HJ FF.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
One more question. When you said your H changed into the person you wanted...did you tell him what was wrong with your R? Did you open up and specifically tell him what your needs were?
The closest thing my W told me was that she just didn't feel "in love and attracted to me anymore". And this is after a year and a half of this craziness. I think the closest thing she told me was that she held little resentments against me that she didn't tell me about at the time. When I asked her for an example of on of the resentments, she said like when I would forget to take out the garbage on some nights. I can't believe someone would D just because of a few missed garbage days.
Kind of hard when you're just shooting in the dark.
Stuck I DID tell him about what he did that caused the 'straw that broke the camels back' and made me lash out, but the truth is it wasnt really ABOUT him so much as ABOUT me... I think a lot of affairs are like that.... so you cant really 'explain' it, and nor can you blame your partner; the problem lies WITHIN, and I tihnk deep inside the person having the A knows this, and it causes a lot of shame and resentment, so they attack with blaming YOU for THEIR problem - its a smokescreen to cover up what is really going on with them. Cuz they dont even know.
To say you had an A bc you didnt feel you loved your H or W anymore isnt cutting it - there are plenty of times marriages hit a low plenty of times you may even be fighting like cats and dogs, not getting on at all, and an A doesnt happen then does it. An affair happens when something messes up inside the persons head; they reach a point they think they dont care much about the consequences, they just want to be SELFISH for once, and thats impossible to explain isnt it (and makes you sound like an Ahole.) You really cannot waste too much time blaming yourself for this or saying you didnt love her enough etc, that might be TRUE, but it didnt cause an AFFAIR. after all, SHE COULD HAVE JUST LEFT YOU!!!!! so how true could that be? Surely if things were THAT bad, a person would just walk out.
Therefore you have to realise the person who has an Affair hasnt reached that point of wanting to end their marriage, but they have reached a point where they dont care much if it DOES end, so being risky and sleeping with someone else doesnt seem like a huge big deal. Or ALTERNATIVELY, the person has an affair simply to get some excitement into their lives and DRAMA, and have sex with someone else out of lust; EITHER WAY its still an immoral and selfish choice - and blaming the marriage is so much SMOKESCREEN. nah. you coulda told yr partner, gone to conselling, or walked out of the marriage... so if you walked down the road of an AFFAIR its definitely time to look ONLY at yourself and quit blaming the partner
AND THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU AS WELL - THIS IS HER IMMORAL CHOICE AND HER BAD BEHAVIOUR. you did not "make" her do anything nor "cause" her to; there was ALWAYS other options for her
Two things for you: ONE, quit asking her why bc theres no adqeaute reason for being a selfish ahole. let that truth set you free. Thats why her reasons are LAME. there are no reasons that could fit the crime. Didnt take out the garbage? pls.
TWO: She cant tell you what she needs, how could she, when she was getting her needs met by another man? the answer is "I need you to be him". Not something you want to told to you, but its the bald truth. She thinks she was in love with this guy, she saw his AWESOMENESS didnt have to experience him on a real level, why bother feeling hurt over the attributes of a FANTASY. just you remember this: you could be FANTASY MAN TOO, if you chose to be the OP to someone. Its not magic, its dirty. But she has to come to that realisation
I think it takes about 2 years after the Affair for the person to truly reconnect to their partner and truly begin to see their behavior for how bad it was and truly ASSIMILATE the shame enough to finally feel REGRET. as I said, lets hope you can make it that long. there is no short cut.
You need to stop focussing so much on why she did what she did as its all about her mostly and not you (unless you beat her or ignored her needs compeltely, i am gonna guess you were mostly a normal husband.) MOST of us get complacent in a long term marriage its NOT a good enough excuse for an affair. you either could have tried to reconnect and work on it or you coulda walked out. the AFFAIR is a selfish act. you have a right to say it and beleive it - its true.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
