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Joined: May 2009
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HI I am new here, I am definitely not new to devastation, as I am on my third year of separation. In my situation the ex had a massive MLC and ran off with his brothers daughter, his neice, young enough to be his own daughter (he was 40 she was 17 and bizarrely, his brother and her mother were fine with that.) Married 16 years bfore separating, 3 kids, and he now has no contact with any of us at all and tried hard to ensure we didnt even know where he was (we do know.)

My question to you all is, when do you quit thinking about it, in your minds? I mean, I think I am over the whole thing for the most part, I am no longer devastated, but I am still NOT OK! its frustrating bc I keep wondering, when does the healing actually OCCUR? it seems to take so long. I have yet to be able to say I am "happy". I still think about it every single day, and to be honest, a lot of the day (and night.) i am glad im over the whole "hate you so much hope you die a grisly death" stage, bc that was pretty horrible and made me into a crazy person... but I am still so sad, and unhappy.

MOSTLY, and I dont know if anyone can even RELATE TO THIS, I am absolutely terrified. I AM TERRIFIED he will try to contact me one day. What the heck do I say? of course I love him, very much, but unlike a lot of you fresh to this, I have put to bed the fact he isn't worth it - but the point is the heart wants what the heart wants. I AM TERRIFIED. I cannot let this man back into my life, but he was the LOVE of my life - and father to my kids. I was with him since 15, and my only love and lover. every day I have nightmares about it. he totally abandoned us but growingly more and more I keep dreading the day he might turn up. its haunting me bc its the ONLY THING I can honestly tell you - I dont know what id do.

I am so scared, bc in my sitch, I wanted the marriage to work and fix for sooo long and when nothing happened, I began to let it all go, but recentlly over and over i get this FEELING, we're not DONE yet and hes gonna COME BACK. do men deal with this? I am afraid. I dont even know if I would be overcome with anger, or glad. I cant tell you bc I DONT KNOW.

do i need help with this? thinking about him returning or even calling me makes me shake and cry bc I DONT KNOW what i would do or say or what i SHOULD do or say. i am very conflicted and why??? i havent even HEARD frm him in like nearly 2 years. but I JUST THINK... somethings on the horizon sooner or later, what would you recommend? would you even talk to someone? or wuold you not? im very confused and scared and conflicted about it. Im over the OW, shes nothing to me. I do not feel at all threatened by her, she broke up our marriage bc she could and is nothing to me now, i am not jealous only disgusted. (and in her parents and him.) Im very conflicted on if I should WANT him to be in my kids lives OR NOT want it. if he suddenly WANTED to be, would i say yes or no?

very confused and afraid.


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I am sorry that you are here. From what you have said, I don't think you are over him. I think you have kept yourself stuck in a really bizarre situation for way too long. Have you gotten divorced? Have you seen a counselor?

My ex's affair is hitting the 3 year mark and no he wouldn't be allowed back in if he dug a tunnel up through the floor. The damage is done and there is no going back in his case. Saying that, I know everyone needs their own time and pace to heal but sometimes you need some direction. Get yourself to a counselor and soon as possible. do keep posting because it really does help.

kat


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Actually, yes, I am proud to say, I divorced him myself, last year. Also, i got my kids into my maiden name in the courts; on top of that, I am seeking catholic annulment.

I of course love the stupid man, but I AM OVER him. I am very aware that I love the man of the past... not the man of today. thats why I am TERRIFIED. who knows how I would respond??? not ME. do you have any idea how it feels... to really NOT KNOW how you would respond? when you spend years imagining it, then realise that now... you dont actually KNOW... its frightening, mentally. and no one really beleives it.

I am very personally religious (I do not attend church, but I pray alot) and i feel I have everything I need, to know, this person is different, not who I knew, and so abnormally strange and changed, that GOD has prevented his returning to my life for a very good reason: to protect ME and my children.

But I also remember in the early days, in the darkest days and hours, the one answer I got was: you will get your revenge when you do not want it: and he will return to you when you dont want him back.

Through it all I forgot that mostly, but recently I have had setbacks mentally, flashbacks literally like post traumatic stress, and gotten SIEZED with the idea "what if that happens?" Once I wanted that very much. Now, I dread the thought. bc I am torn; on one part, I think forgiveness, for ME, is very important and a personal test; on the other hand, I daren't allow him to hurt me, or my children, ever again. I do not think a counsellor could help me bc I know how they work, and they'd simply try to get me to work it out myself, when ive had years to work it out and its not going to happen.

i do not want to be a fool but neither do I want to pass up an opportunity to heal, if it comes my way, but not at the cost of even more hurt to me or my kids. Due to all the lying and awfulness, the trust is gone and i absolutely beleive he is not above lying to me to get his own way, he is frightened to come back to this country as he owes a lot of child support and a lot of personal debt, but I also know, OW would love nothing BETTER than to settle out here. she'd be behind any lying; she always was. He cannot be trusted when it comes to her.

KAT I do not feel differently to you, i feel I have suffered enough, but what would you DO, if your ex really did ask you for forgiveness...? its not someting i can answer at this stage, but mostly i am just frightened overall of being frigged up even more than I have been already, bc its been a long hard road, and I DONT WANT his return IN ANY WAY. and something tells me now I feel this way its GOING TO HAPPEN. am I a pessimist??? maybe I am just waiting for a bomb bc I had so many already?


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You don't need to confront him to heal. You don't need him in front of your face to do it either. You forgive in your heart, doesn't have to be in person.

I see the man I married, the one I loved, the father of my children as dead. This person I see way too much for my liking is but an alien in my H's body. This creature has done way too much damage to my life and my kid's lives to consider taking him back. Done, over, finito.

You keep feeding your anxiety. Let it go. I occasionally have visions of situations myself and no not the daydreamy ones. I can't tell you how to deal with those except to work them out. You say you don't want him back...fine. Let it go. The person that you loved is gone and for all practical purposes doesn't exist anymore.

You have to do this for you and your family. Drop the rope that leads to him.

kat


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FightingFit...you do need counseling. Not sure why you would deny yourself that. The counseling isn't so you can get over him, the counseling is because you have post traumatic stress disorder, and this needs to be treated. This is why you keep having panic attacks and wondering what you'd do if he comes back. Your mind is unfortunatley forcing you to deal with this trauma over and over by asking yourself that question.

You really do need help with PTSD and I can't figure out why in the world you'd say you don't need or want counseling.

What you have been through is horrible and even worse than most stories around here. Please please get help, so that you can get some peace in your mind.

DQ

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You've gone through so much already. If he did contact you, and yeah, that might happen, you would get through it. You would be strong enough to get through that since you've already gotten through so much. I do think counseling would be good for you. I also think you shouldn't spend time worrying about something that might not even happen, and if it does, you will be able to handle it. Karen


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