So in all these wonderful threads and beautiful articles I read so much about sad marriages, those on the brink those getting better, people who walked out but came back...
but probably bc I cant really read them all, I havent read anything from women (or men!) who were truly utterly abandoned... not just left, but actually abandoned. I guess I mean by that, your partner left you and your children and dissappared and hoped very much you would never know where, and maybe like me you didnt know, for a long time... and your partner really never wanted to see you, the kids, ever again, and wanted you to be dead to them, and he/she to you and the kids.
I feel weird bc I have not once spoken to someone else who was truly utterly abandoned. its GOT to have happened to other people but I just cant find any and I am DESPERATE to connect to others who have felt this pain, and of your kids pain, admitting they dont even know where dad is. Birthdays and occasions go missed and there is nil communication, and they either abandon the rest of their family as well (mine did at first) or tell them to not tell you or the children where they are.
After a 16 yr marriage, this utter abandonment was horrible, utterly a nightmare, and, so devastating to my children; he gave them all up and never a word. No child support and heres the kicker: he really wanted us to suffer, and I will never know why.
Has anyone else here been totally abandoned? If so, how are you coping with it and what do you tell people? the biggest issue for me is shame. It seems to incredibly shameful that my partner of so long doesnt even want to speak to his own children or have them know where he is.
Is there any way of dealing with this in a healthy way? its so hard when there is no one to relate to this for me.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
I can't relate as far as total abandonement goes. My spouse moved 5 minutes away so "we could still be close," so I can only imagine.
I think in a lot of ways it is comparable to the death of a spouse, but worse.
I would like to comment on you saying you feel shameful. This was HIS terribly wrong choice. You and your children had absolutely no control over this. These are his issues. Hopefully Ian doesn't mine me stealing a quote from him. He sums it up beautifully.
Originally Posted By: sofaraway
I have said this over and over again and I am going to reiterate it to you in particular. Our spouses DO NOT define the person that we are. Our spouses DO NOT define the character and moral fortitude that we possess. Our spouses DO NOT control our future and what type of life we choose to lead. You DO control your own destiny. You do get to define your own morals and character. You DO get to look back later and be proud of yourself because YOU stood your ground and YOU did the work to change.
Ian
Hold your head high, be proud of what you stood for and DO NOT carry that shame. That belongs to him.
thanks... that was nice. I hope I can one day, meet someone who is in my sitch or was, and can relate to me. I feel very alone and isolated and very unusual, most of the time. Mostly the shame stems from the abandonment of the kids. wow, its so bad, and it feels so horrible, and he blamed me, and id be lying if part of me didnt question it. maybe it was me. maybe i was that bad, maybe, he did feel he had no choice. but deep down I know he lied and lied and lied, to make it spin his way so he looked good about the abandonment. he tells people crap, that its my fault he cant be around them or speak to them, but I do have PROOF of that lie (and my kids know personally, its a lie.) ie he was very upfront from the beginning he had no intentions of seeing or speaking with his kids... RIGHT from the beginning. he denies this but they remember it... once I confronted him on it, in the one phone call i made to him when i found out where he was overseas, and he claimed "to not remember", but I know he does. he kind of claims insanity, I think, for the things he did. good luck with that...
i am just craving some kind of understanding and empathy, some people who went thru this, have suffered it, bc your right its worse than death - death has a dignity, this doesnt. theres nothing but INDIGNITY in it. and deeeeep down you feel, I am so unworthy, sooo useless, to be this abandoned. i still battle that all the time.
if you had asked me, in the past, about these things, I would have told you I could envision a affair, I could envision a divorce, but I would have laughed at you if you'd told me, he will abandon your kids. I would have said no, he loves his kids. and part of me knows, deep down, he abandoned them bc they had too much of me, in them.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
You must reach a point of acceptance that you will probably never know why he did what he did.
How does one reach that point? It's different for all of us.
I don't feel that he abandoned them because they have "too much of you." They have just as much of him as well.
He did it because he has issues, somewhere inside of that mess of a mind, there is still love there. If I had to guess, it is burried down deep. Pain, confusion, and extreme guilt most likely cover it, however where ever you go there you are.
He may run for the rest of his life and be miserable, he may somehow find the courage to face his demons or the demons may eventually hunt him down. Who knows??
All we can do is live for ourselves and children and focus on the gift that is today and pray we have another gift called tomorrow.
Your so right, trapt; I do think I have reached a point now, where I have pretty much worked out why he did what he did and what was pretty much in his mind at the time - which is pretty useless really by the time you get there, bc it makes no difference, we only fool ourselves understanding would make a difference - no it doesnt.
trapt one of my problems here is KNOWING YOUR RIGHT. I dont NEED to have to deal with his issues now, after I am finally getting ok. I am NOT HAPPY and i dont think I will be for a long time yet but im not UNHAPPY, I am in a neutralplace and its very nice. I like it here and I intend to enjoy my stay; I may never find love again but im fine with that, as long as the pain and agony are over with - small sacrifice!
the last thing I need right now is him saying "i was mental forgive me" and basically stuffing me up in the head when I am finally getting to a nice place of peacefulness. I resent the very idea and am already retaliating in my mind to ensure I issue the hugest rebuff I can so i dont have to deal with him. but thats not nice, and nor is it fair, and certainly I will fail GOD.
i guess my real angst is, here I am finally facing the fact I might get exactly what I wanted for so long and i might just be as nasty as I can and as obnoxious as possible to avoid it and scare him right off. Why should I DEAL with him. hes put me thru enough.
that however is neither fair to my children, nor what my heart tells me would help. im sick of being the good guy! I wish I could just be the bad one for ONCE. im sick of HIM! im finding it hard not resent the very idea of his daring to contact me, considering its what i would have prayed for so long, now I cant stand the idea of listening to his CRAP and dealing with his ANGST. I DONT CARE
is it wrong to really just .... BLOW HIM OFF, considering. i guess thats what im asking, morally.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Anger and resentment will prevent you from reaching that place of peace.
I'm sorry this has happened, it can't be looked at in terms of "fair." What truly is "fair?"
You have two choices really. To be at peace with this and allow it to grow you into a much better person, or to live with negativity and let it prevent you from finding your true self.
He is their father, that will never change. Would it help your children to give him what YOU think he deserves if he were to make contact? I think your better than that.
Remember, your children are watching, learning, show them, teach them to be better. Show them strength and grace.
FF: I have been reading your thread, and you are stuck.
I have been reading this book by John Gray called Venus and Mars: Starting Over. I would recommend this book to you.
Gray states that many people have a difficult time moving on because they do not face the four stages of grief. We have all heard different stages of grief, and there are four, five, six, thirty two, four hundred and fifty eight. Mostly Gray is trying to get us, as the wounded, to confront the anger, resentment, sorry, and sadness. Men tend to avoid the sorrow, women tend to avoid the anger.
Go get this book. You have to heal. You can blame your H for many things, but your pain is your own. This book teaches you how to own it, deal with it, and get past it.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
How old are your kids? Is there any way you can go after him for CS? I am in Texas, and we have very strict laws re: deadbeat dads. No way should he be allowed to just walk out on his children.
FF, I didn't have your experience but I will give you a virtual hug. That is just a horrible situation. My H was a pretty irresponsible father at first but is doing better now. It's not great but continues to improve. I am not sure how I would feel if he did show sufficient interest in returning.
"he denies this but they remember it"
{{{hugs}}} These are terrible things for kids to hear. It seems that trying to find a way to help them deal with this would be most important possible thing.
It would not surprise me if he resurfaces at some point and you may need to consider how you would deal with it.
I would agree that you need to see about CS.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Andabelle he skipped the country and ran away, so they cant get him for it here unless he returns. Even if he did return I dont think they'd know about it until he put in a tax return anyhow. Im not sure. I did find out where he worked etc overseas and provided that info, but was basically told there is nothing they can do to collect from there.
Lolal, whew was I ever angry alright. I walked around furious constantly (I do mean, constantly!) for over 2 years. Im pretty happy to say the constant anger is gone now, it returns every now and then but briefly now, not like a constant rage as it was. Believe me 'feeling it' wasnt the difficult thing. Getting it under control was the HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE... I pretty much threw myself into prayer, and i read a lot about how holding onto anger is like, swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.. that made sense to me. I also read the Dalai Lama's works inside out... but i will definitely grab that book if i can find it.
part of the biggest problem for me was the lack of support (zero) from his family particularly his mother, as she lives five minutes from me and never once phoned me, or anything, since the day he walked. I had a tremendous amount of anger and resentment to work thru there, and admit that still really sits ill with me. im working on that. It made me absolutely furious when she had the temerity to finally send my daughter a birthday card last year (to my mothers house, a deliberate disrespect to me) and said in it "we'd love to see you lets go shopping". OMG, where had she BEEN for the past TWO YEARS?!?? needless to say my daughter ignored it.
Im definitely trying to work on myself bc anger and rage twist the soul... and those people dont deserve that level of suffering from me they arent worth it. Im over the lies they told etc, I just dont care anymore - but admit I feel extremely threatend and resentful over the idea of ANY of them approaching my kids (what right do any of them HAVE, to have them in their lives? they ALL abandoned them.) but this is not my choice and something i have to live with.
overall I guess you could say its like, I am feeling a lot better now, so thats cool, but still have this sensation of an axe hanging over my neck. like, I will have to deal with them, again, in the future, including ex, when I really feel like oh no way not again. there comes a point when apologies or excuses cant be tolerated or even heard and im in that place, and fear beng forced to deal with them when i really dont want to. thas what i resent so much about those people: they feel quite OK rejecting me and pretending I am dead but when THEY are ready, if I dont deal with THEM, they'll point the finger!
i guess what im really asking outright... is it OK for ME to just REFUSE to deal with any of them, even if they try. thats how i feel and thats what i want, but my parents feel quite differently. they feel thats not graceful or right and feel sorry for his mother (i do NOT.) we have argued about this quite a lot. I dont want to ever deal with any of them, its like my parents feel, one day he'll be back apologising and you have to accept it, or they will, and my response is well, apology NOT accepted! is that seriously SO wrong?
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
