Want to know what its like to truly do everything wrong? Just ask. I was married 16 years, together 20 (since 18), 3 kids; long story short, the husband had a massive MLC, went to the UK to 'visit his family' where he managed to have an affair with his own 17 yr old neice (yup), came back and dumped us all, did all the usual making up crap and being a jerk, ran back to her had a live in relationship with her 3 months, played the tear jerker so i took him back (yea, I thought he was crazy and needed 'my help'), only to lie, cheat, bring her OVER behind our backs, then finally after 12 months of living an absolute hell, he ran away to the UK again with her. No contact with him, no contact with our kids.
Wanted to make it all work, I truly did, but I couldn't fight this silly young woman and the pull she had; not even our kids were good enough compared to that paragon of lovliness to make it worse her own parents were allll for it and lied and covered for him (and still do).
I am now on my 3rd year alone. I am proud to say I divorced him last year, and even prouder to say I went all the way to the Supreme Court to legally change my kids names into mine (his family have nothing to do with us.) I still suffer enormously, I have good days and bad; the worst of it was so bad, that now, when I remember it, its like watching a movie about someone else. I fought for my life; my kids; integrity and love; and I lost. I did absolutely everything not recommended. I am not a bit sorry, looking back. I did what I had to do. Including making my feelings very, very clear to them all. i do not regret it a bit. But do i still regret the marriage breakdown?? of course I do. I knew him since I was 15. I miss him all the time, despite what he did.
I did not find forums like this, until my sitch was well and truly burning in hell... pity! but seeing as I did absolutely EVERYTHING not recommended, I could certainly share exactly what happens when you do that
Mostly I wanted to give some women some hope... some idea that things do get better, even if he NEVER comes back. I am not happy yet. I know that. But I am much better. If i can do it, raising three kids on my own, with no child support and his family turned their backs on me, I could help others know they can do it too... its so hard... but its so rewarding as well. I couldn't even drive or put petrol in my car when he left. Now, I am so independent I cant imagine living with a man again. Maybe one day.
I see so many women hoping and hoping, wishing and wishing for him back, such loving women! just like I did for years, and I have a few points for you to consider if your in that painful boat: 1) the past is past, and what he has done will colour the future - you'll never get the past back. 2) The kids never get over it, and it might not be in their interests to have him back at all. 3) remember you have your children and their families to look forward to, and your grandchildren; you have a life, even if you never love again. 4) I guarantee you one day you will realise, that even though the pain is still there, and you still love him.... you no longer respect him. When that happens, dont be sad. your MOVING ON. 5) Dont beat yourself up about how you crawled and did so much to make him stay. You loved and you wanted it to work. Your not pathetic; your strong, amazing, and wonderful. HIS LOSS! 6) The day you can imagine seeing him together with the OW and it makes you laugh at the sky... FEEL THE POWER! 7) Wear your battle and your loss with dignity; you bear medals no one can see. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does. 8) If his family abandoned you, then its clear what kind of stock he came from. Its not about you; its all about them. They have nothing to be proud of. 9) Dont get so CAUGHT UP in the whole whirlwind of GETTING A LIFE. you LOST YOUR LIFE. its going to take a while. I still have no life! But I am surviving. If you dont feel like it dont do it. Your a grown woman. DO what makes you feel right, and if your like me, it might be doing things at home by yourself like hobbies, rather than 'socialising'. and NUMBER 10: KNOW THAT FROM ALL THIS YOU ARE A KINDER, STRONGER, MORE FORGIVING, BETTER PERSON, WHO HAS SO MUCH HUMILITY, SO MUCH GRATITUDE, AND SUCH A WILL THAT YOU SURVIVED EVEN THE PERSON YOU LOVED THE MOST AND WHOM YOU THOUGHT LOVED YOU THE MOST ABUSING YOU IN WAYS YOU COULDNT EVEN DREAM OF. your a SURVIVOR and survivors of THIS type of abuse NEVER GET TALKED ABOUT! We might as well have been bashed our entire marriages for what we went through - and the pain our kids suffered will go on forever. STAND TALL BE PROUD.
XXOXOXOXO to EVERY WOMAN SUFFERING RIGHT NOW. if I could take just five MINUTES of YOUR pain, to give you FIVE MINUTES of pure joy, I'd do it. I havent had my five minutes of joy yet... but I know its coming. One day!
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
PART TWO for anyone interested - WHAT I DID WRONG. happy to share, knowledge is power, and being told the RIGHT things to do is one thing, but knowing just how ugly the WRONG thing to do is pretty cool too. After all I got divorced so MY mistakes are definitely learn worthy.
MISTAKE 1) When my husband told me he didnt think he loved me anymore I absolutely cracked it. I would tell anyone now who suffers this... to not.
MISTAKE 2) When I found out about OW... I absolutely cracked it. Let me say this: 3 years later, I am neither surprised, nor shocked by what happened. He was ripe, she was the type. I wish I had played it a LOT cooler.
MISTAKE 3) When he had his first doubts and confided in me, I immediately assumed everything would be great and he'd give up OW and come home. WRONG. Looking back, I wish I had realised he had gotten into the habit of lying and was simply trying to burn both ends in case one didn't work out so well. I wish I had said NO and not taken him back, the first time: and I think if I had NOT, then we might have got somewhere later on. Because while I WAS FIGHTING HARD... OW WAS FIGHTING HARDER, AND DIRTIER, THAN I WAS.
MISTAKE 4) I assumed his kids meant something to him and he'd never abandon them. Why shouldnt I? he'd been a great dad. LOOKING BACK.. I should NEVER have assumed this whatsoever. I thought I had an upper hand over the OW. NOPE she had it ALL OVER ME and SHE knew it. She made me out to be manipulative, and it made him all too willing to abandon his own kids. We play into their hands, when he ASSUME our kids mean more than her, and SHE is going to want to win that war.
MISTAKE 5) I assumed our past happiness and life together would surely bring him around in the end. WRONG. If I knew better THEN, I'd have realised thats exactly what he was running from, and OW just played into that even more. Memories and good times past had no impact. Theres no emotional ties left to work on.
MISTAKE 6) I just had no concept at the time, at how much he blamed me for his entire situation even his affair, as well as the breakdown. I really was clueless on this, as he was SO in the wrong, how could he possibly blame ME. well HE DID, and the shock was pretty gruesome when it began finally hitting home. No matter how bad he behaved, it was all my fault. If he has SUPPORTERS (family, OW) they will CONVINCE him of this. Dont waste time thinking they feel bad about their actions; you made them do it.
MISTAKE 7) I let him make me angry - very, very, very angry. In fact so angry, I never want to experience that level of fury again in my entire life. Anger takes so much energy and life out of you, and drains every drop of happiness and gratitude from your very being. its a terrible way to feel, and I lived as "angry woman", akin to being on fire permanently that no one can see, for over 2 years. I highly DO NOT reccommend ever giving anyone that much power over your emotions, EVER.
MISTAKE 8) In the end I internalised and began to secretly believe I deserved this and that my entire life had been ruined as a result, and to have a husband walk out on me was a good indication of how worthless and terrible I must be. Even though I never let on to others, thats how I TRULY felt. This was not helped by being told that, repeatedly, by his family. NEVER LISTEN TO THEM. They are ASHAMED and they LASH OUT to lay blame to shut you up if you try to speak out. I became secretly suicidal over these feelings, and if it was not for the fact I had to put food on the table for three kids, I probably would not have survived those dark, dark days. ITS NOT TRUE.
MISTAKE 9) Because I was so incredibly ANGRY, but also wanting to SAVE my marriage, I blew completely hot and cold. I was not able to control it and my emotions were conversely hateful one day and brimming with regret the next. Not only did it confuse me, but made communication of any kind absolutely impossible. I dont blame myself for this now. I did not have the tools to behave any other way.
MISTAKE 10) I really, really, really, let my kids see how hurt and damaged I was, too much. Though its ok for your kids to know your sad, dont let them see you devastated; they wont ever forget it. I scarred my kids. Please dont, with yours.
XOXOXOXOXO keep strong
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
hes still hiding; which might mean hes still with the OW, but... and heres the great part... I am actually in a place where I kind of hope he is. I KNOW that sounds crazy, and people FRESH to this kind of horrible sitch will NEVER believe they might secretly wish that one day.... but the truth is...I cant think of two people who deserve each other more. Not only that, but I wouldnt wish anyone who didnt know of their pasts to be with them... how horrible. In fact, I freely admit, its that horror that still makes me wary of men today. I think about how my ex is gonna have to lie, and realise theres plenty of others doing just that... its a grim and sobering realisation. TRUST is not something I am going to win back anytime soon. I am cynical; I am immediately suspicious of any man who blames his wife, and particularly any man who has no contact with children and blames his wife. I simply.. DONT believe them. I just nod and smile and walk A W A Y... I'd rather be alone, than get a man who'd do that. Of course, the painful thing that one realises, in the end, is that they're probably going to learn tough lessons, and be a better person, and a far nicer husband, than they ever were to YOU. That stings. On the other hand... cant imagine a lot of truth is going to be told there, so no matter how nice he might be to anyone new he ends up with, shes STILL never going to know just what he did. **shudders** I know I wouldnt choose to be with someone who did stuff like that. THEREFORE, I am probably single for life!
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT WOMEN WHO WERE LEFT FOR AN OW.
Life is weird. Therefore, you are going to be thrown into situations over and over where the only men you are attracted to, are married men. GOOD MEN. No one wants to talk about it because its not a nice thing to talk about. AND ITS SO TEMPTING (no one wants to talk about that, either.) its tempting, because after all, it was done to you, and the reasons given to you were that he was unhappy, and she felt she had the right, so really if thats true, dont YOU have the right? YOU like this good man and YOU see how wonderful he'd be and YOU would appreciate him so much and SHE doesn't know what she has.
WHEN THIS HAPPENS TO YOU, RED ALERT.
If you fall into this, your nothing better than the OW who caused so much pain, and beleive me, the situation isnt different. PLEASE DONT. its so easy and its not because your bad its because your not FEELING and your NUMB and your HURT and your LONELY and theres this MAN who is so good and so nice and o WONDERFUL, and is it YOUR FAULT hes married? he CANT be happy if hes hanging out so much with you, is it REALLY STEALING? After all it was done to you. Perhaps this is how the world works. Perhaps this is your second chance and though it isnt perfect perhaps this is just the way it is.
RED RED RED ALERT
DONT DO TO ANYONE ELSE WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU. Walk.. AWAY.. FAST. you have gone through SO MUCH ALREADY, the last thing you need is to now be painted as the destructive homewrecker and hated by someone elses kids when you have your OWN to deal with your OWN family crisis.
in fact dont WALK... RUN.
its better to be single for life and yet living in integrity than to stooping to her level and stealing a familie's joy. REMEMBER: happiness is never build on the corpses of a family. Their ghosts will haunt... just as you hope yours does, to YOUR OW. so DONT become one and DONT justify it EVER.
YOU WANT TO HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH and that doesnt involve lying and cheating and becoming a female version of your ex or a clone of the horrid OW who wrecked YOUR family.
The ATTRACTION to a married man is obvious: hes a good guy hes a great husband hes a provider hes a good father, you want all that and you lost it. WELL YA CANT TAKE IT. Remember thats how the OW thought. your BETTER.
SINGLE men over 40 are almost impossible to find (who are reasonably normal and trustworthy) and its hard, but beleive me, if your a good woman an you want to lead a great example to your kids keep your self respect and tell that married man to CALL YOU WHEN HES SINGLE. get onto dating sites if your lonely, by all means hook up with whom you can, but remember THE ATTRACTION TO A MARRIED MAN IS ONLY BC ITS WHAT YOU DONT HAVE AND WHAT YOU WANT.
second marriages of cheating partners fail for a reason. I say this bc since my breakup every man who has ever shown a slight interest in me is VERY MARRIED. and I'd be INHUMAN to say I didnt think about it and toy with it. but at the end of the day, you gotta live with yourself and you have enough to live with already.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Ever thought about LASHING OUT and telling the OW, your EX, or his family JUST WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH? all the professionals will tell you not to. Well heres what its REALLY like, from someone who ignored the advice and DID it.
1) I WHIPPED my ex with everything he was doing and did continually. He ran away. Thats what happens. I cant put it more simply. SO: if you dont WANT this, then dont DO this. Think of it like a DOG. If you keep beating on a dog, is it going to try to escape the yard? YES. every chance it gets. Its not going to want to be with you, if it can get away. Same applies to misbehaving husbands.
2) Its nice thinking of how cool it would be to tell the OW just how much pain she caused. WELL I DID it. I told her via email, in detail, just how much agony she made me and my kids go thru. Wanna know what I got: I got one line: "why would he want to be with someone as fat and old as you". I will remember that line, from that stupid little ignorant girl, for the rest of my life. It sunk into my soul like acid. The OW has no excuse for her carry ons. She has NOTHING to say to you, she cannot justify herself to you whatsoever, shes a lowlife so IF she replied she would reply as HARSHLY as she could and believe me you DONT want to hear it. SHE is on the defensive and SHE is going to fight so much dirtier than you ever can. SHE WILL USE HER YOUTH, BODY AND LOOKS to take you DOWN. MY OW certainly did and it so nearly succeeded, I cannot tell you ENOUGH from experience NOT TO CONTACT THE STUPID OW. the BITCHFIGHT you will get into will UNDERMINE everything you ever thought of yourself and make you feel so rotten you will sink to lows you could never imagine. DONT DO IT. She isnt worth it and most of all, she shouldnt know how much hurt she caused you. Be mysterious. let her WONDER about you forever. Be the sphynx, you'll be so glad in the future.
3) Its tempting to let the ex's family know the dirty details. After all you are justified. DONT BOTHER. hang it up, they're going to question him and hes going to lie and your going to be made out to be crazy. You will be forever alienated and this will cause future alienation for your children. Its probably one of my true big regrets. At the time I felt I needed to be heard and I cant say now I entirely regret it for ME but I do for the kids. I should have bided my time and let my kids say it all; it would have come out anyway.
4) A daughter is for life, but a son is only until he takes a wife. A SONS MOTHER doesnt really consider you to be a big deal so dont count on your mother in law even for the sakes of grandchildren. Shes already thinking of a new potential daughter in law and your dismissed. This is harsh and no one wants to talk about it but even the NICEST mother in law will show her colors and choose her son. So dont bother seeking her assistance in the first place.
5) The kids are going to be alienated already by the OW and possibly the MLC man anyway without you trying. If fury sets in, its easy to decide you never want him to have a single thing to do with your kids, ever, ever again. Especially OW. Over your dead body. ROTTING body, even. Fact is, kids are smart anyway, so be the good guy because they're GOING To remember that... and OW will probably be long gone then. IN HINDSIGHT, I wish i'd had the balls to wish him and her well and waggle my fingers goodbye. Hindsight is useless.
6) REMEMBER THIS: every angry word you say in email or whatev, is probably being saved by him, to show to your kids one day to justify himself. DONT GIVE HIM ANYTHING.
7) DIGNITY is easily lost, and hard regained. I fell on my face with my ex and his family and his horrid OW, and if I could take back anything, it would be letting ANY of them knowing how bad I was hurt.
8) YOU HAVE TO HAVE FAITH that one day, these people are going to have to live with themselves, and their actions. They live by ONE thing: hoping they'll live it down. Hoping it will DIE down and everyone will stop talking. But no one truly ever does. So it doesnt need to be you, doing the talking. Trust in humankind's ability to keep the sordid gossip going without you reminding everyone about just how disgusting they are. THEY KNOW.
9) remember that no matter how much you hate and loathe the OW, she is just as jealous and hateful towards you: after all theres so much more to be jealous of. you had more history and more life together and probably kids. She has to suffer it every day. Lifes tough for an OW, eh? so keep up the mystery! the ex wont be talking!
10) BIG TIME REMINDER: even though you hurt WORSE in the beginning and for so long, at the END OF THE DAY, you know you did all you could and TRIED TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. your ex doesnt have that comfort whatsoever. he has to live with the fact he walked away from it all and didnt try. I'd rather be me. When i finally heal, it'll be for good. I wont have guilt. i wont have regrets. HE WILL! three cheers for THAT. theres enough revenge there, to last a LIFETIME and more so be happy with that.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
YOUNG children cope better overall. my youngest was 7 when the ex did his thing and his youth protected him. He is 10 now, and overall, much better off than the older two, who were 14 and 13 respectively. The older two suffered badly.
Older children see and hear so much more and they understand whats going on... its tough on them. They tend to hold strong at first, for YOU, and then fall apart later on. WATCH YOUR KIDS. WHEN YOU are better, they wont be; they'll relax and fall to bits right in front of you. kids cant talk of this stuff with you. your too close to it and too emotionally involved; if you have older kids they need help about 2 years IN. thats about when they really begin questioning but wont question YOU. if you dont get them the help they need to answer their questions they'll begin acting out.
SONS become super protective of mother; mine did. They try to be the 'man of the house', and if they think they fail you, or disapoint you, they fall to bits. SONS learn how to be men from their fathers. Get your OWN father involved closely in their life if you can so they have a good father figure, and your brothers. ENLIST the male family members you have to REALLY HELP YOUR BOYS, because they didnt have a good example and they've been really ruffled up about how it is to be a man and what that means. your sons if you have them, need every bit of help you can give them. (note: my own ex had abandoning parents and left his kids the same age his mother abandoned him, and his father never spoke to him again for choosing his mother; so you see how this works?)
TEEN DAUGHTERS cannot beleive their father chose some other OW, if that happened, over THEM and it shakes their confidence, and the behaviour can be extreme, with playing up to severe playing up with BOYS. they're trying to find love, in all the wrong places. If you dont want your daughter to become a young OW to a cheating middle aged man one day, ensure, ensure, ENSURE, she has some older male role models, grandfather, brothers, to show her what real men are and how they act. ALSO get them some gentle counselling.
MOST OF ALL I COULD SAY: dont let your kids see you totally break down no matter what their ages. Never let them truly see your devastation if you can help it because it shakes their very foundations; if dad walks out, you are all they have, and they're relying on you: if you fall apart or seem to be, they are going to be so scared. and they will never forget it. seeing as im talking about biggest regrets here trying to help people, thats mine.
I ended up having an oldest son who was so insanely worried about me, he waited outside on the driveway for me to come home incase I died in an accident; and I would awaken to see him watching me "to check i was breathing". BE CAREFUL. kids need to know you wont die or fall apart. My son began to have nightmares of trying to do a task for me which he could not do and I would scream at him for failing. He began fearing wetting his pants during the day.
I dont tell you this to scare you but educate you so you dont make the same mistakes. its taken me 2 years to convince my kids I will LIVE and will KEEP LIVING. so before curling up in a ball and crying your eyes out, ensure they wont see it or hear it or you may regret it forever.
A promiscuous daughter is not something any mother wants but if you have one who has serious issues with her father and an OW, you could end up with that result, if you dont sort out the fact it wasnt HER or any lack in HER that made him leave. Its an emotional reaction of punishment to the father and looking for love. (and this is often how OW's are born.) so be SURE shes really secure in knowing how amazing and beloved she is - and the rejection is nothing to do with her.
YOUNG CHILDREN tend to regress, and pretty seriously, and initially you have to go with that. My own son at 7 began acting about 5 and developed learning problems at school. he didnt want to learn to read or write, because that would mean growing up, and growing up seemed scary. So really nurture young kids and be patient with emotional setbacks. On the upside younger kids, tho perhaps they regress a little, do seem OVER TIME, to deal with it better, probably from the fact they simply didnt see it as much as older kids would, and by the tiime they are older, your better. so they're better. but KEEP REITERATING to all children that its nothing to do with them and not their fault
because take it from experience, some men in MLC are so low they will actually tell the kids they didnt 'love' them enough or 'need them' now hence the abandonment. SOMETIMES, you have to elect to not have them in your kids lives.
thats neough for me but I hope some info helped even just one lady.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
XH and I were together more than 30 years, divorced two months shy of our 30th anniversary.
I certainly did some of the wrong stuff before the divorce was filed, but thankfully not after the filing. Something finally clicked in my head by then, and I avoided the worst of what you spoke.
I also want to jump in about the harm to the kids. I couldn't agree with you more. The older they are, the more they remember the intact family, so it becomes harder for them to accept what they had believed all those years was apparently a 'lie'. It's something that my two sons secretly and silently still deal with 3 years after the divorce. And they certainly have missed not having a male role model. They are now 31 and 26...so don't let anyone convince you that when they're older they should be able to handle it like an adult. They still are harmed and suffer, and will for years if not for their lifetime in someway.
I appreciate that you have taken the time to share your experiences..good and bad...with the posters here...especially the ones just starting out on this unwanted journey.
Thank you again.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I cannot beleive all the mistakes I made - omg so many! and you know what... I think I might have won that battle, if only I had been SMARTER, and realised exactly what I was truly up against, but I didn't. for one thing, I had no idea just how hard the OW was going to fight back. To me, she was a stupid young girl who had her whole entire life ahead of her, therefore, why didnt she just move on and get her own man - a younger, available one? i felt it would wear her down, surely, and here was my BIGGEST MISTAKE: I really felt she'd do some soul searching and realise she didnt want to be in this role. MY MISTAKE
never underestimate the OW. maybe one day, they WILL regret their actions, but if so, your sitch will be long gone and over. This silly little girl saw it as a competition and a matter of honor to get him to leave us. And sadly she was encouraged in it. We dont expect an OW to get encouragement... but the fact is sometimes they do have it. if so, they will not see anything they do as wrong, they put themselves in a "saviour" role, they ACTUALLY CONVINCE THEMSELVES they are "saving" YOUR husband. FROM YOU.
Today I can truly say this: I am in a place now where I look at his actions and I see that me and my kids deserve PEACE. Not better; but at least PEACE. Fighting any harder, doing any more, wouldnt bring us peace. I gave him up, but I gave him up with one hell of an explosion... thats not healthy
I burnt my bridges down with Butane and a flamethrower, and not satisifed, I continued and went on, just in case. This was a result of my intense fury just FIZZING over, until I just felt I HAD TO REACT, and therefore I was going to react BADLY. I felt like a badly whipped dog, who has for years whimpered and cowered, that just SNAPPED and thought "now im going to take your face off".
And to tell you the truth, this is LITTLE SPOKEN ABOUT ANYWHERE. theres a lot of info about "how to get it right" and "how to do the right thing" but I think its important to know "this is what happens when you do it wrong" and "this is what happens when you finally explode". It might if ANYTHING, make someone thinking of doing it... think again.
SOMETIMES, someone just abuses you so much and puts you through so much pain and agony that you cant help finally deciding that you are going to end the situation, and not just END it, but cause as much pain in retaliation as you can, while going down in the flames. Its not a great place to be at, mentally. Dont know I survived it! im certainly reaping the costs.
but i didnt do myself any favours bc of the ongoing issues I have today (intense fear and anxiety over having to see him or even hear him again) and it frightens me so much I dont know what I would do if it happened and THAT ISNT NICE. If i had had the resources and help I needed at the time, I think I would have been very different, but I didnt.
so i guess im saying if your partner is busy MLC'ing, really weight up whats acceptable or not, what you cuold forgive or not, but if you DECIDE you cant... just WALK away,.. if possible. I think the biggest thing here is, after so much fighting and so much struggle, when you finally decide "this isnt going to work no matter what I do", you get ANGRY.
its a vicious cycle to be stuck in but i feel terrible for anyone who reaches that mental state and hope EVERYONE can avoid it if possible. I now suffer such intense and huge fear of HIM, hes become like, gee, a monster. I know, before anyone says, i could do with counselling... but i can barely put food on the table so it isnt on my to do list anytime soon. im too busy trying to get these kids thru school and raised on my own.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
Oh I do believe it takes a lot of bravery to say what you just said!
But I also agree with a good portion of it. Although we on this board ultimately come here looking to save our marriages, sometimes enough is just enough. You can only be beaten down so long before you finally realize you are worth more.
It is funny, but I have been doing research for school on defense mechanisms. One of them is rationalization. You would be amazed how many actions we rationalize for the sake of loving our spouses. And so one of the things I am beginning to question is why we do that. I am not saying that all of us will walk away. Some of us will come out with better marriages.
However, sometimes I think we need to really let the spouse be held accountable for their actions, and stop rationalizing the why. We will never know the why. MLC is a disease, yes, but it doesn't mean we have to be treated like doormats while this person is flaking out.
But many of us do.
Fight, I think you are doing a great job. I do want to caution you, though, about getting stuck in this anger/fear phase. Have you sought counseling? It might help you to overcome the fear, and not worry so much about seeing your XH again...
(((Hugs))) Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I was married 16 years, together 20 (since 18), 3 kids; long story short, the husband had a massive MLC, went to the UK to 'visit his family' where he managed to have an affair with his own 17 yr old neice (yup), came back and dumped us all, did all the usual making up crap and being a jerk, ran back to her had a live in relationship with her 3 months, played the tear jerker so i took him back (yea, I thought he was crazy and needed 'my help'), only to lie, cheat, bring her OVER behind our backs, then finally after 12 months of living an absolute hell, he ran away to the UK again with her. No contact with him, no contact with our kids.