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Originally Posted By: KerryK
A lot of times it is the medium. You know that the telephone or in person visits are the wrong medium. Use emails from now on to inform him of important issues about S19. Quite frankly, S19 is a man and should handle his own issues.

I have to take your H's side on this. You left him multiple messages and were trying to guilt him. I would be pissed off at you too and if I had a son that was a man I probably would talk to him as a man - "I wish your mother would leave me alone?".

He wants you to leave him alone as he has a new life. Why cant you understand that?


XH doesnt have email.
If my xh would have talked to me when he answered, instead of hanging up, the messages would not have happened. Be an adult for crying out loud.
Listen, teenagers still need their parents, you will find this out, there are sometimes that they need advice regardless if they want it or not. My son can talk to his dad easier than he talks to me. I dont care how old he is or how much of a man he is, if I think he is making the wrong decision about something and wont listen to me, than yes, I expect his dad to step in with advice.
Kerry, just because they are teenagers doesnt mean they know everything. They still need quidence. You will find this out soon enough.
Some people assume when kids are older, they dont need anything from us. Well let me tell you I am 42 and I still need my dad for some things and needed my mother for others. AND my mom and dad was ALWAYS there for me.
Kerry I truly hope you wouldnt do what my xh did. If your wife called with a concern, I hope you wouldnt turn your back just because you wanted to be left alone with your new love. A dad is always a dad to me.

Also, its your choice to take his side on this. I wasnt trying to quilt him into anything, I flat out was telling him it was important to talk with me.
I am a little surprised at your position on this Kerry, but thank you for your input.

Renee

Last edited by sunshinelewis; 06/06/09 07:50 AM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Originally Posted By: Andabelle
Sunshine,

6 mos seems like a long, long time, but it is just a blip in MLC land. To your XH, your barging into his house and the ensuing scuffle happened like yesterday. You wonder why he's so mad at you-- there you go. It takes them forever to let go of ANYTHING. It's not fair, but there it is. My STBX (w/whom I'm getting along very well at the moment, knock on wood) until recently kept throwing every angry/mean thing I said post-bomb back in my face-- I was a horrible person for reacting the way I did, while he hadn't done anything bad to me at all (just left me after 26 years of M, no big deal). This is how they think-- they feel entitled to do whatever the hell they want, irregardless of how it affects us/kids-- and rightly or wrongly, they ARE-- it's a free country, it's not a crime yet to be an a**hole.

Don't waste your time trying to figure him out. You are D. He screwed you over financially, yes? Then you should know not to expect any help from him.

You have to get on with your life. It is okay to leave the door cracked, just as long as you don't have any expectations. He's not a very nice person right now anyway, and you deserve better.




This makes ALOT of sense to me. Thank You for pointing out their time table.
I would love to read your story sometime in the future. Right now I am taking a break from these boards to get on with my life.

Hugs,
Renee


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Originally Posted By: braveheart
Renee, listen to me on this one..... Don't EVER speak to him again! If he wants to SPEAK TO YOU, its your choice to speak back, but if someone was dead, I would be damned if I would tell him.


LOL love your messages sometimes BH. You are sooo blunt!
Are you on alt. univ or ms?
I would love to chat sometime. I love your honesty. AND we kinda live close.
Dont worry, I will not be trying to contact him soon.
BH, it really hurt me when son chose to jump at the invitation from him.
I am not going to compete with xh over son.
XH was being smart (well so he thought)when we seperated. He told son he had to live with me. It hurt my son, because we would have went with his dad if asked to.
XH knew he couldnt have his gf and such if son was living with him.
Now, he gets to talk to our son everyday ON PHONE. Take him out on special occasions, and bring him back. I have to deal with everything else. I have to lay down the rules (because son still is living with me) and I have to be the BAD parent. I have to loan out the money when son needs it, he wont ask his dad, he says it not his dads responbility to take care of us anymore. (kinda interesting he says this). Son is now looking at xh as a friend instead of parent. I am "the mean mom". It's like when you babysit someones child, you play with it and spoil it, then send it home to be disiplined.
Regardlesss I love my son with all my heart and I am glad he is here with me. I need him as much as he needs me.

Hugs,
Renee

Last edited by sunshinelewis; 06/06/09 08:03 AM.

_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Quote:
last message I left him was that I wanted him to imagine how he would have felt if his mom and dad were to never speak to each other. They are deceased now but I know, as anyone would, it would be very hurtful. I also told him to forget it, I would deal with it myself and that I didnt understand him and that I was disappointed in him.


uhhhmmm......sounds like you were guilt-ing him to me. you keep expecting him to be a responsible parent or friend or co-parent. dont have any such expectations. you keep setting your self up for hurt. havent you heard us all say NO expectations??


Me 53
H 51
OW 25
Bomb may 06
left june 8/ 06
ILYBNILWY (twice!)
7/6/07 H wants to come home
7/21/07 H comes home
7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW
now piecing in earnest

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Originally Posted By: a new 2moro
Quote:
last message I left him was that I wanted him to imagine how he would have felt if his mom and dad were to never speak to each other. They are deceased now but I know, as anyone would, it would be very hurtful. I also told him to forget it, I would deal with it myself and that I didnt understand him and that I was disappointed in him.


uhhhmmm......sounds like you were guilt-ing him to me. you keep expecting him to be a responsible parent or friend or co-parent. dont have any such expectations. you keep setting your self up for hurt. havent you heard us all say NO expectations??


I know I said I wasnt going to post anymore but I had to reply to this.
Yes I have heard all of you say this, but I guess I was HOPING and PRAYING that
my xh would be different because he was such a good husband and dad before. You
couldnt have asked for a better dad. From day one he changed diapers and did it all. You couldnt have asked for a better husband. He washed dishes, cleaned bathrooms, did his fair share. I guess I am still shocked at the way he has changed. I know people here say he is a WAS and this may be true, but I will tell you this. He has done a complete change. Given up everything he use to love to do what this gf wants. I would have never thought he would give up fishing, but he has. He is in love I guess. I am just still amazed at times I think.
Yea maybe I was quilting him. I didnt even realize it.


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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I have to add this update so I can get some opinions.
Today my xh called my son and asked for the cornhole boards that we have. My son said his dad and gf and her family wanted to play.
I let my temper get the best of me, because my xh has not given me anything (that I can think of) that I have asked of him.
So I told son, let your dad get his own cornhole boards.
This in turn made my son very angry at ME and he relayed the message to his dad. He said his dad sounded like he was gonna cry, because of my comment...which I doubt he was.
Anyway, after a few minutes I thought about it and decided I wasnt going to be the bad person here. I wasnt going to play his (xh's) games. I did not use the boards and so I called xh and left a message. I told him that YES he could have the boards, and I thanked him and gf for son's birthday presents and said it was nice of them. I was very upbeat and even said, I will talk to you all later.
Well son came back into my room and said dad just called and said you said we could have the boards.
I felt very proud of myself.
Kill them with kindness they say. wink


_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10
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Renee, why did you call your XH again after all of that mess the other day?

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your doing good, for you right now... dont worry if you feel differntly next week, lol. i felt differently from WEEK to WEEK for the worst part. now, im pretty much ok, except for the 'monthlies' which throw me out.

theres no hard fast rule to your own feelings, they are valid and true and real, but your a woman and a woman has the perogative to change how she feels at any given time.

yea its great to be a woman eh.


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Why.....without putting words in her mouth, she hopes beyond hope that her xh is different that those aliens that have flown in before hers.
Renee,
hes not whether its MLC or WAS. Hes as much a jerk as they are/were. yes he was a good man...emphasis on WAS(the word) that man no longer exists and will not again for years if ever, not days,weeks or months Renee.YEARS!
you could have just handed boards to son, not looked for an excuse to call xh.


Me 53
H 51
OW 25
Bomb may 06
left june 8/ 06
ILYBNILWY (twice!)
7/6/07 H wants to come home
7/21/07 H comes home
7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW
now piecing in earnest

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Honestly, at this point, I don't know what it hurt that she left him a message herself, instead of having S do it.

It's not like her H can file for divorce because he gets pi$$ed about it....they're already divorced.

As long as she doesn't call him about anything but life and death situations in the family, he'll live. If she calls him about petty , unimportant things he'll continue to badmouth and blow her off.

Sun knows, from what we've all told her, that her xh is no different than our spouses/ex-spouses. It doesn't matter who she thought he was...he's not now, and may never have been exactly who/what she thought.

If she wants things to decline, she'll keep up her old habits. If she wants to quit hurting as much and learn to live again, she'll take the necessary steps to do so, and that's concentrating on herself and the kids.

I remember how hard it was to get those 'rose-colored' glasses off. But once they're off, she'll catch on. Right now she's still dealing with denial that this 'thing' has actually happened to her and her family.

I remember how that felt too...you wish you could wake up and it was all a bad dream.

Reality always wins in the end.

I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what the heck a cornhole board is?????? LOL

Cornholioooo...I've heard when my boys used to watch Beavis and Butthead...but what is a cornhole board, and what do you do with it??


Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
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