Thats exactly what scares me Jeff.. he's not back yet...he just wanted to get me back whilst he gets ready/decides..because he didnt want to risk losing me in the meantime. Thats what Jody felt too, she said look at his actions. He said didnt he "I'm still feeling my way with this".
PS: Kat, if this was a new R, I would DEFINETLY be staying the night. I havent in 20 years just gone out then gone home.. we fell in love, I moved in. 3 times. I know that isnt going to happen this time though!
I used to read peoples threads in piecing and think, what the hell are they moaning about? If I ever got a 2nd chance I would just be so happy and grateful and would go for it. Ok, now I understand! This IS worse.
Ali, I think this is how it has to be. You are ready for a R with him. There's no way he can possibly be ready for the same kind of R with you. His still getting over Helen. He's porbably trying to figure out why he left you two years ago. Wondering if it would happen again. Not wanting to hurt either one of you again. Let him go slow, encourage him to go slow. Once he sees that you are there, and are not going to run and hide, he will realize that he can get comfortatble with himself before he launches into a full R with you. I think it has to happen that way, to get a good result.
IMO he's realised that...but now let him confirm that in his mind...he's got to realise that and work for it! Don't put it on a plate for him! Whatever you do don't "fold" too quickly !
Keep doing what you have been doing....reeeelaaaaaaaxxxxx...and get on with life...
Oh, I just read your response back about staying over. I am definitely not good European material. I dated a guy for 2 years and we never did"it", just fooled around. Didn't get around to doing the deed until I was 23 because I was holding out for marriage.
I guess what I was trying to get across was if this was a brand new guy, would you be staying over so quickly? And really I am trying to get past this American way of being Miss Goody-two-shoes.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, [quote]I guess what I was trying to get across was if this was a brand new guy, would you be staying over so quickly? And really I am trying to get past this American way of being Miss Goody-two-shoes. [/quote) I am not sure this is the European way, more a personal thing.I know lots of youngsters who are as you say Goody two shoes,I call it self respect.
Ali, I think the big thing here is you expected x/bf to finish with H and then come back and you would be together again-like before with a few minor problems. You offered yourself up on a plate and he took it, but no way has he said you two are now a couple. You have to stop thinking of him as b/f or as you as a couple. This will help you have no expectations.
I just have to jump in again as when I read through your posts your self-doubt and frustration jumps out, completely understandable. I've been there and in some ways still am, but instead of just saying "no expectations" because I know in reality that is easier (for most of us anyway) said than done, can you focus on the end goal instead? Can your expectations-or maybe a better way to put it would be aspirations-be around having a healthy long-term committed R in the future? You can still be devoted to him, don't need to date other men etc., but can you think about your own actions and words rather than his and how they are going to help you achieve your goal? Clearly your ex is still "into you". It's not as though he's blowing you off. He just still blows hot and cold. Ali-this is SO "normal". Well none of these guys are "normal", but you know what I mean-"typical", "expected". You've mentioned a lack of connection in communication. I'm still dealing with this and we've been back together for 7 months. It takes a LONG time before the guilt, anger, whatever those residual unpleasant feelings are, can be eliminated from daily interactions. When these conversations happen by phone, I think you have a fantastic opportunity. Your ex won't see your face and body language, so even if you are struggling to sound upbeat-you can do it! I am quite sure that if you show him that you are comfortable with his pace, he will relax a bit.
Of course Jody's the expert, but I do wonder whether any R talk should happen at all at this point? It feels to me like every time this topic comes up things get more awkward and the topic could feel like pressure. I guess Jody just wants to be sure your ex is aware that you are comfortable going at his pace. I would say don't force this topic though, as it might be nicer just to have a fun evening together where none of the drama comes up. Maybe Jody sees it differently though?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So she said to match him and also to flirt with him too ! I need lessons in flirting...
Hey Al!
I have no idea about how to behave with BF (and everyone else is giving you such great advice), but flirting.... there's a subject I know a bit about!
Are you doing any flirting with BF at all at the moment? I probably wouldn't launch into a major flirtation but start very slowly with the occassional saucy look at him. Maybe let him catch you looking at him while you're thinking about his delicious Willy Wonka (so you have a dirty look on your face). Then as soon as he catches you look away quickly, then look back at him, directly into his eyes and smile, and look away again.
