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MrBond #1770992 05/20/09 09:51 PM
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Stuck808

Yes, it was a very long year at the time, but looking back it went by quickly. Thanks for your help. I will post there as well.

Take Care! Keep your Eye on the Green

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Stuck808

I went to another D Busted to postand tried to post my story, but it will not allow me to post. How do I post to that area?
VS54

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I think you go up to the Forum List and select from the general subject list on the left. If that doesn't work, I guess you can ask a moderator.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1773891 05/27/09 02:53 PM
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VS54,

Thank you for trying to help me understand. I know believe me that I have made mistakes in our marriage and it is not all of his fault but I begged and pleaded for him to please work on our marriage and he wanted nothing to do with it.

I'm just hoping that it's not too late for him to see that he is sick and will get help and want our family back together!!!

I know this is not the man I married!! He would never ever give up his daughter!!! So I'm doing the no contact thing for around 3 weeks now but I don't know how long I should keep it up.

He has not tried to contact me or our daughter since the hearing on the 15th! Your story has inspired me soooo much!!! I hope as I'm sure all that are here get the success that you have received!!


M 41
H 35
D 12
S 18
Separated 11/08
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 163
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Thanks for posting your story! I'm happy you survived the ride, and came out good in the end. I've been learning that DB'ing never ends, does it...?!

I'm still working on my sitch, and have been treading water in Limboland for several months (she filed last Nov - been separated for 7+ months).... We are getting along mostly well, and she has taken no further action towards the D, but she still mentions things on occasion that sound like she's still going down that road. My DB counselor says that her inaction (and other things) are signs of ambivalence.

I'm being as patient as I can...I'm GAL and trying to worry more about me than about her. It's not great, but it seems to work for me.

Again, congrats on busting your divorce!


Me: 46
W: 46
M: 9.5 yrs
D4, D9
D filed by her 11/3/08
Agrees to try rec at mediation 1/28/09
Says she still wants D in counseling 3/25/09
W and I back in DB counseling (!) 8/20/09
3rd Bomb 9/2/09
MrBond #1801997 07/16/09 01:48 AM
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Hi all,

I'm a newbie here and like so many, in deep pain. My WAW dropped the bomb 6/4/09. She had papers and her lawyer was trying to strongarm me to sign and be out of the house in 7 days. We have two boys, 10 and 7. I am a pastor by trade and we have been married 12 years. The past three years have been especially difficult after we left a church I led for 6 years. Before that I was a youth pastor for 20+ years. We were married when I was a youth pastor, and I didn't listen close neough when she said she didn't want to be a senior pastor's wife. I had always told her I didn't have a desire to be a senior, but when we had a church split, I really felt God wanted me to lead the new group. She reminded me she didn't think this was a good idea, but I didn't listen enough, she didn't speak up enough and off we went on a 6 year roller coaster on unstable financial ground. She said at the time faith was her stongest gift, and "got on board" doing lots to lead the children, etc. Leading the church turned out to be hard on me, and I forgot how much harder it had to be for her as a stay at home mom (elementary school teacher by trade) at the time. Our plan was to have both of us earning when the youngest went to school, and unfortunately, that was about the time I wss leaving the church position due to constant conflict. So, our "plans" for better finances were knocked off track as I did oourier work for six months and made hardly anything. I did get a gig with a super fundraising firm and made great $ for 10 months on a contract, and then the economy went south last fall, so no new work to move to. In an overlap with the fundraising work, I had tried planting a new church with a group that did some funding, training and screening. My W was initially ok with that, because she had helped us make the decision to stay in the same area instead of moving for me to take another church job. This was the one thing in the area that was available to me at the time. She ended up scoring a 4 out of 5 on the "spouse support" portion of our church planting assessment interview, so I figured we could proceed. She seemed ok with it, but as our plans to start a new church were unsuccessful (last summer), she began (me too) to stress, and I began to think I should find a way to make money and volunteer at the church thing. You know the economy story, so when the funding went away in Dec, I found myself in a tough spot- no job in the worst economy since the 30's. I got depressed, she stressed, and 7 months later, I've still got no work, and out on my own to boot. Some of not getting work was due to my pride and holding out for a "better" job. Naturally, that made the W upset, and she had a right to be. I am 51 with a Master's degree, so I couldn't land the job at Wal-Mart or Target when I did apply. I got depressed and even more scared while I tried to get the stable job to help pay the bills along with her pay. She had not been sleeping well through the spring, and I was always expressing concern for her, and trying to do what I could to care for her. I'm a very affectionate and complimentary person and love to shower W that way- always have. When she got out of school, she dropped the bomb, and was unwilling to discuss it. She really did think she was going to get the D all done this summer, and go back to school with the D final, the boys and her in a new place, and she'd be off to greener pastures. I have agreed to an uncontested D, because of the $ involved and more so due to the character defamation process of a trial, with the end result still being a D. She has been rushing me for the past five weeks to reach an "agreement" so she can file. I naturally am resisting, and am scared and confused on top of all this pressure to "get it done quick." I ran across DB in late June thanks to a new good friend I found in my job searching. I got DR on July 4 and have read it twice and read portions of it every day.
In GA where we live, the very sad news is an uncontested D can be scheduled and done in 31 days. It sucks. The papers haven't been filed, but this week, I think I have run out of stalling tactics. There are still some retirement figures to gather, child support info, etc. but I can bet she's working to get it all done asap.
Sharing the boys is ripping my heart out (hers, too as she addmitted last week during the 40 min phone call. I get the Wed and every other weekend thing right now. I'm living in a basement apt of a friend's home, and have little money and facing a determined WAW. I have done pretty well with the DR coaching, and blew it last night by asking for her to consider options for the sake of the boys. Other than that I've done pretty well, but the D day is coming. I have been praying and praiyng and asking friends to pray, that her heart would soften and she would at least slow down. She did soften a bit after I did a 180 last week and told her I wasn't going to sign the papers, and she got livid before I could explain other ways of going about reaching a decision. I left the arguement and got in my card and drove away, which is totally unlike me. The next day she called and was cslm, and we talked for 40 minutes and she let down her wall for the first time. (180's really do work!)
I am very sad and scared about the speed of divorce court in GA. I was talking to a lawyer with Cobb Legal Aid (there's another humbling thing, when you have zero money, you're on your own and you have to go to Legal Aid), and the lawyer told me that Mon-Fri the courts do uncontested D's at 9:30 am, so whenever my princess files, she'll have a date 31 days later.

I got a great help from a friend via e mail tonight I thought I'd share if it helps anyone. "When I have trouble forgiving ALL THE WAY (as in, I love the other person without thought for myself or my own needs - only a few people have really qualified for that level with me, mind you:), I will ask God to show me ALL the sin I've put on Jesus, all the yucky, evil, selfishness, etc. from my whole life (He shows me specifics & the WORST stuff) & while I'm thinking how MUCH He's forgiven me for & how much He took on Himself, His perfect self, I ask Him to also show me the person I'm trying to forgive, but to show me the person at their most hurt, most fragile, in the middle of every woundedness they ever experienced (usually as a child). If I see BOTH of those at the same time, it makes me feel incredibly humbled & soft towards the person. At that point, my HEART is ready to forgive that hurt person without judgment and without self-righteousness."
ALL of us are going to need to do that for our WASs if we are going to be successful. Sorry for the long post, I am just lonely and am glad for this outlet.


Me: 51
WAW: 43
S: 10, 7
M: 12 years
bomb dropped 6/4/09
W filing for divorce asap
in GA, 31 days is all it takes- that SUCKS!
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lovingmyprincess,

Sorry that you find yourself here. The best thing to do is to copy the post above and start your own. That way everyone can follow you.

We're all here to help.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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