I'm a FWAW who also had an affair. I'm new to the board. Puppy is having some great things to say........
Do nothing financial to enable her affair. Right now it sounds to me as if she views you as a provider only- and is really only wanting to keep the status quo because you pay her bills and she can work part time.
I'd also ask her if she understands she'll have to take a full time job to support herself- because you will not enable her moving out in any way. That means, no deposit for an apartment- no furniture, nada. She wants to be on her own? She'll have to do it herself.
I'm not completely familiar with DB I must say- I'm just chiming in as someone who has been there from your wifes perception.
Thanks Kitty - she mentioned that when I confronted her with the A and we (mistakenly) start having the R discussion. She is afraid of having to move out. But she is going to have to start paying her own bills from here on out.
Kittyfish - I'm starting to think about exposing the affair. Were you exposed? How was that done - was it effective? Was any part of the exposure ineffective? W comes from a large catholic family with 11 siblings, some very devout. Even the whiff of an affair would be devatating not only to W, but also to some of the siblings - could have long term impacts. Part of me says so what - W made this decision and has to live with it, but...
It will be a couple of weeks before I am ready for the exposure, but I'm starting to work on how to do it, what to say, etc.
I was exposed after I'd already moved out. I guess I had what you would call an exit affair. I had alot of other issues-deaths in the family and undiscovered bipolar disorder.
I believe in exposure though- brings the affair out into the light of day.
Doing a lot of reading. Revisted my thread from last fall, re-read my journal, dug into several more threads here and started re-reading the DM book. Reading about different methods of adressing our issues, different tracks to take. I was so definite on my plans. Now I'm wondering if my plans are the right ones. I'm revisiting most things, but some I will not.
Things I know and will work hard on: 1. My GAL. 2. Establishing boundaries 3. Being a great dad.
I felt I was starting to go down the "get even" path. I think that was what was energizing me - finding ways to "get back" at W and make her miserable for what she has done to me. All sounded like a good plan. Until I started reading more about MLC. I'm convinced W is in a MLC - this is actually the second round of a MLC that started last summer. Now thinking that maybe she needs me as a friend right now to help her through her questioning of her life. Several posts under the MLC thread indicating sucess where the approach has been helping her when asked, and not a punitive approach. Helping her to again see what she is missing. Again - conflicted - what to do.
Thinking back to last week when I told her that I knew about the A. Replayed the conversations many time in my mind, remembering things I missed the first time.
She said she needed to feel wanted, to feel desired by someone. She lost both parent last year. She started working on herself, losing weight, excercising, enjoying dancing, partying, staying out with her girl friends. Tried smoking pot for the first time, more agressive/assertive about sex. I still remember the quote from last year shen she said she was tired of being good all the time - she wanted to be bad for once.
I tell her she looks great, encouraged the dancing and going out. She included me occasionally, but it was mostly girlfriend time. Did she feel that she needed more validation from someone else? She knew I wanted and desired her - was that not enought? Is that what is driving the affair? I remember many lashing out comments from last week. Contradictory statements from how she is acting now and how she has acted in the past. Could it be she's lost - doesn't really know what path to go down?
She refuses to go to a MC. Says she can handle this herself. I know forcing will not work - she'll push back hard and move further away. She's confused, she's ill and needs help. Help from someone, anyone but me. But still she knows she needs help. She wants to talk to her friends. She wants to experiment. She wants to feel desired.
So now what? We stil sleep in the same bed, share dinner with the kids. We still enjoy being with each other. She's giving me clues that she is not with OM - actually calling her girl friends in front of me to make plans. The texting is still there, but apparently no face to face this weekend with OM.
Again conflicted - is she just laying low until I seem to forget or is she thinking this through more now that I know all about the A?
And what about me - what course do I take? I know what i need to do about me (Gal, boundaries, kids). But how do I deal with her? Do I be her friend or do I begin to crack down and show her what her life would be like without me? I'm conflicted because there are examples on this site that show both methods work. The affair is exposed to me - she knows I know and knows I am hurt. She says I deserve better than her. She's showing some signs that she might be depressed. But again, she won't seek help. But I can't push. And I sure don't want to push her down the wrong path.
I've never been this confused about what to do. I see progress from 180's and "as if" responses. I see progress when she notices what I am doing for myself. She's still intrested in me. So I belive there is still a great chance for us. I know we'll get through this. I just don't know what to do in regards to some of the great advice I've been getting from others her. Some conflicting advice. Maybe I just need to vent - I need to talk this out with someone. I have a couple friends that I will bring into my sit. Friends that I know I can confide in. Some friends who have already dealt with an A in their realtionships. Loking for more options and advice - maybe someone that knows me and her well enough to know what will work for both of us.
Sorry for the long post - but it felt good to get all of this out.
Setting boundaries - yesterday I told W that OM is no longer welcome in my home (used home, rather than house for a nice touch). That W should tell him that he should know this and should not plan on attending my Daughters open house this weekend.
Response that I was "way off on this John thing we are not having an affair just good friends".
I've responded with an offer to talk about this "john thing". Still waiting to hear back with her reply.
My thoughts to this "talk" include my issues with trusting her - that until I can trust her again, everything she tells me is essentially a lie. She needs to know that its not an acceptable relationship, regardless if she thinks it's an affair or not. She needs to prove to me its over. I can not take her word for it.
I want her to understand that until she understands what is causing her unhappiness, she can not address it. I don't to push counseling, but am thinking if I talk about understanding what is causing her unhappiness, she might realize that she needs to better understand the true causes behind it, rather than what she thinks are casuing it. I'm sure some of what she said when confronted about the A was just lashing out - she was caught, and she knew it.
I will not talk about us, our living arrangements. Only about my trust issues and her unhappiness. Until she is willing to openly and honestly adress thise issues, we can not talk about anything else.
Response that I was "way off on this John thing we are not having an affair just good friends".
RULE NUMBER ONE - ALL ADULTERERS LIE
How do you know if they're lying? Their lips are moving. The very last thing you can use to determine whether an affair is taking place is the suspected adulterer's word. You need to verify independently.
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She's giving me clues that she is not with OM - actually calling her girl friends in front of me to make plans. The texting is still there, but apparently no face to face this weekend with OM.
This is just smoke blowing mate. She is doing this stuff to reassure you and to shut you up so you get off her back - it's called gaslighting.
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I'm sure some of what she said when confronted about the A was just lashing out - she was caught, and she knew it.
What does your gut tell you? I know what mine tells me - that's exactly what she was lashing out about. I had no idea about the level of deceit to which an adulterous wife would stoop to propagate an affair. It's highly addictive - think crack addiction.
Listen to Puppy. The only way you're going to deal with this is by taking a very hard line - i.e. by manning up. Listen to what Puppy has to say.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
If they were "just friends" she wouldn't be willing to throw her marriage away over it. Bottom line she is investing time into her relationship with OM when she could be focusing it on you!
If a "friendship" is more important than the marriage- what does that tell you? It's an affair.
Listen to me- I've been there. It's like a drug addiction- she will do ANYTHING to keep it going.
