Hi - Not sure which board this belongs on - MLC, Separation, Newcomers??? They are all appropriate. I'm going to post links to my previous posts below, but in a nutshell, I discovered H was having an EA on 2/6. It had started only 2 weeks earlier, but they were already declaring their undying love for one another. H made the choice to leave when given an ultimatum. Felt he had been unhappy and had to see if there was anything to this new relationship. I've been GALing and trying to act upbeat and positive when we see one another, but he is still in the fog. Has acted somewhat strangely about certain things though - my IC says that he is defying all normal behavior of a spouse who wants out of a marriage. But he is showing no signs of wanting to come back. I'm fairly certain this is a major MLC (details in my other posts.)
Anyway, our anniversary is on May 25. He has planned a huge HS reunion (the OW is from HS and they met on Facebook) on the 22nd. Staying with her until the 23 or 24. Writes to me saying that he would like to spend the 25th with me and our dog, Theo having a picnic. He wrote " The thought of being alone on 5/25 is, at least for now, more than I can stand."!!! Then, he left a message basically saying that he would love to see me and that it would be wonderful for the dog (he is getting very old.) Kept bringing up the dog as though that was the reason he wanted to spend the day together.
I have been trying to detach and have been somewhat successful, but am confused by conflicting advice given to me by my DB coach, therapist and friends. Some feel that I should go absolutely as dark as possible, while others think that seeing one another and making it really positive will be beneficial. But he is still seeing the OW on the weekends and they are planning some fantasy life together (both are currently unemployed.) Part of me thinks that I have made this way too easy for him. And the other part feels that my behavior in our relationship had gotten very difficult to deal with and that he needs to see me to see the changes I am working hard to make.
BH, I haven't gone back and read your prior threads, but if you are experiencing a tug-of-war between advice from various people, DB coaches trump friends and even therapists, hands down.
My therapist, my psychiatrist, many of my friends and relatives, and even my minister all thought I should kick my H out the door when I found out about his OW (who he is still seeing, as far as I know), but my DB coach agreed that an ultimatum was not the best solution for me. I prayed about it a lot and was tempted to cave in to popular opinion, but I resisted because I strongly felt that it was not right for me. I still feel that I made the right choice, even though he did decide to move out, 13 months later, and nothing seems to have improved between us in the 6 months he has been gone. At least this way he can't blame me for the fact he has the expense of living outside the marital home, because it was his choice entirely. I have made a lot of mistakes, both before and after the bomb, but I have complete peace about that aspect of my choices.
Well, I didn't mean to go on and on about myself, sorry. I just wanted to explain why I think the DB coach's advice is the best path to follow, as a rule, as long as it is consistent with whatever divine/spiritual guidance you sense in your deepest heart. You can sense it if you are able to be calm and sit quietly. The DB coach's goal is the restoration of the marriage (as well as the building up of the person who contacts them), so they won't give up on your marriage before you do. That's not the case with most friends, relatives, therapists, and ministers--they are all more concerned with how YOU are doing, and sometimes, in their zeal to see you start to heal ASAP, they give up on your marriage too soon.
It is sooooo hard, but right now, learning to detach is going to be a key issue for you. Work on that, and on whatever else your DB coach has suggested. Their (the coaches') advice is gold. You've paid for it; don't throw away your investment.
Learn to love yourself. (Maybe I should try taking my own advice!)
You are on a hard and rocky road, but you have an abundance of sterling companions here.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hi BH, Sorry you find yourself here. I agree with Dawn that I would go with the DB coach's advice if saving your marriage is your goal. Think about what you are comfortable with on 5/25. Do you want to spend the whole day with H? Will you be able to DB all day considering he just spent 3 days with the OW? If not, consider your desires and what would make the day the happiest for YOU. Maybe plan to spend part of the day together with some structure(lunch/movie/park.whatever) with some but not too much unstructured time... If H is in MLC this is a long process so don't expect immediate success. Hope for small successes, show your positive changes with consistency(don't tell H about them)and have NO epectations (so you won't be disappointed or show disappointment). Keep track of what brings H closer vs what pushes him away..Validate..Stay positive!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
