Hi - Not sure which board this belongs on - MLC, Separation, Newcomers??? They are all appropriate. I'm going to post links to my previous posts below, but in a nutshell, I discovered H was having an EA on 2/6. It had started only 2 weeks earlier, but they were already declaring their undying love for one another. H made the choice to leave when given an ultimatum. Felt he had been unhappy and had to see if there was anything to this new relationship. I've been GALing and trying to act upbeat and positive when we see one another, but he is still in the fog. Has acted somewhat strangely about certain things though - my IC says that he is defying all normal behavior of a spouse who wants out of a marriage. But he is showing no signs of wanting to come back. I'm fairly certain this is a major MLC (details in my other posts.)
Anyway, our anniversary is on May 25. He has planned a huge HS reunion (the OW is from HS and they met on Facebook) on the 22nd. Staying with her until the 23 or 24. Writes to me saying that he would like to spend the 25th with me and our dog, Theo having a picnic. He wrote " Being alone on 5/25 is, at least for now, more than I can stand."!!! Then, he left a message basically saying that he would love to see me and that it would be wonderful for the dog (he is getting very old.) Kept bringing up the dog as though that was the reason he wanted to spend the day together.
I have been trying to detach and have been somewhat successful, but am confused by advice given to me by my DB coach, therapist and friends. Some feel that I should go absolutely as dark as possible, while others think that seeing one another and making it really positive will be beneficial. But he is still seeing the OW on the weekends and they are planning some fantasy life together (both are currently unemployed.) Part of me thinks that I have made this way too easy for him. And the other part feels that my behavior in our relationship had gotten very difficult to deal with and that he needs to see me to see the changes I am working hard to make.
Hmmmmmm, being alone, at least for now, is more than he can stand? What does he mean at least for now? Does this mean if you spend time with him and he gets stronger that he can walk away without a look back or does it give you the opportunity to be the woman he remembers (or a totally new woman)?
What do you want? We can all give advice, but you have to choose what you want to do.
I can advise you better if I know what you want.
So very painful to choose, as I well know.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Personally, I see it as cake eating. I don't think he will possibly be able to see any changes in you with the OW around or involved. I would let him see what it's like to not have you in his life. That is what he chose when he left. Be strong and be nice about it. He'll balk and say that he was thinking about coming back and blah blah blah. He's not thinking about coming back if there is OW to fall back on.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Thanks for your responses. What do I want? Well, I want my husband and my marriage back. But I do know that he's been cake eating and it bothers me. On the other hand, I don't know if seeing him on the anniversary will benefit our relationship or not. It's impossible to know what is going on in his head right now. I know that he and the OW hit a rough patch, but I think they've ironed it out. The reality is that they barely know one another and he is running. Sober for 8 years and active in AA, but my therapist sees this as a type of relapse.
Anyway, I'm so confused. Just don't know how to act anymore. I'm afraid to go dark (or at least dim) but that's what might be needed now.
Thanks for your responses. What do I want? Well, I want my husband and my marriage back. But I do know that he's been cake eating and it bothers me. On the other hand, I don't know if seeing him on the anniversary will benefit our relationship or not. It's impossible to know what is going on in his head right now. I know that he and the OW hit a rough patch, but I think they've ironed it out. The reality is that they barely know one another and he is running. Sober for 8 years and active in AA, but my therapist sees this as a type of relapse.
Anyway, I'm so confused. Just don't know how to act anymore. I'm afraid to go dark (or at least dim) but that's what might be needed now.
Do not be afraid. Start listening to that little voice that wants your H and M. If that is what you want then every action, every conversation, every decision you make should be based on that.
Personally, as a W that has a H with E.D. and that is totally freaked out about it - I would take a slice of cake, thank you. Could you be that woman that is so different and unique, that he has a connection to, that makes the OW look the way you see her?
No man wants the needy type of woman that needs a man, even her husband, to complete her. GAL is about making you feel good and also making you stand out. You are different, you are unique, there is only one you. Can he see that? Can you?
I know the pain, honey. Believe me, even on my strongest days I sometimes have to get the tissues. But the more I stand on my own, and the more I use his tools (Tee-hee, he always got nervous if I touched his tools. He left them all here and believe me he notices that I am not only using them, they are more organized when they were just his) and the more I do, the more he is looking and wondering.
You want a man to see you as confident, strong, independent, pretty, sexy, someone nice to talk to and be around. You want him back, really? Then that is what you have to work on.
You do this not as a strategy to get him back, but so you grow. You really will be stronger, more confident, and it will be obvious to him that you don't need him, but that you want him. The wanting part doesn't need to be so obvious at first.
My H is totally mystified by the woman I am becoming. The more I step away the more he comes around.
Regardless of what you H has said, no matter the OW, you have a history. He fell in love with you once. Smile, act as if, pray, GAL and it really will make a difference. Be patient, it doesn't happen over night. However, the rest of your life contains many more days, weeks, months, and years than the time it will take.
I love my h and I have complete faith he will come home. God knows the road map, he just doesn't share it with us.
Last edited by The Wifey; 05/18/0905:02 PM.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
