Partner left after 9 yrs - Finished with ow!! wow

[sandycay]

Ahh Ali,

Your now getting a taste of PIERCING. This is hard too. Most people on the boards discount this part as this seems to be the thing we desired most we really don't know how to behave when we get here.

Don't pursue him now....let him come to you. Maybe he's just hungover from the alcohol and late night. I think girls over analyze things in their relationships... you've waited this long to see him turn towards you so what if you can't spend lots of time with him till next week. There is still the phone and email.

Don't get greedy with need at this moment. Enjoy the ride, the dating, the flirting, the texting. Just try to imagine this is someone new when ever you talk to him.

You wouldn't have made that comment to a new man (about "oh, didn't you want to meet me here first") that sounds desperate and needy and clingy.

The Helen thing well... my only advice because I seriously had OCD over my OW..... is to try to turn your attention but it's there and it will be for awhile. The times just get further between but sometimes it does make me sad or mad or wonder but then, I quickly recover these days. It just takes time and that's not gonna hurt anything as long as you keep it in check.
B

Plus speaking from experience you want and need him to be fully clear on letting her go from his life. I don't mean in the physical (not sexual)way ... I mean the mental disconnect that must happen now. He is dealing with that still so he needs to have time to decompress and so do you.

Your so close girl and congrats on the 2nd chance.

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I'm breaking my self-imposed vow to quit posting on the boards to post to you. (BTW I will reply to your FB message as well)

I think that everything is very positive for you still. Believe me I can understand how at the beginning it is incredibly hard not to jump on every little thing and feel like the guy is second-guessing, that he has changed his mind etc., especially when he has not actually spoken to you about his intentions. All I can say is that no matter how wonderful your "ex" is, no matter how sure he is that you are his soul-mate, he has got a lot to deal with and at the beginning it may be hard to take. If you are going to be around him, you will have to have an even tougher skin than you've had before. It's so hard at the beginning of this process because in many ways it seems like you are picking up where you left off, but something is just off-kilter, and you can't be the same around him as you were before. If you are willing to make this work, you will probably need to let things go for awhile and realize that you may not get the explanations/apologies that would make things easier on you. Please note that I said let "things" go, not let him go. I do think you can rebuild a healthy solid relationship, but he may not be the person that you can share your emotions with for awhile yet. You may need to give a lot more than you give back. All of this feedback is based on my own personal experience, so of course take it with a grain of salt, but I'd say that this is where the real need for patience and DBing starts. I don't think that once you are working on getting back together it is the right time to throw DBing out the window. I think these early steps toward piecing are critical, and the best thing that I did for myself and my own situation was to avoid all R talk, avoid asking for explanations, and just keep an incredibly positive demeanor around H at all times. This was hard, but it is starting to pay off. It might not be fair, but I really think that this is a hurdle that most of us who get our Rs back have to deal with.

In terms of your ex sounding down when he called and the awkwardness, you said yourself that the awkwardness was mostly on your side. Do you think that you could act "as-if" tonight? What I mean by this is could you just act as-if you're simply happy to go to the movies with him and see what happens from there? If you are in good spirits, chances are he will either be a little less down himself (at least in terms of not having to add your hurt feelings to his list of things to worry about), or will feel comfortable talking to you about his feelings. Whether last night was too much too soon for him, who's to say? Different couples get back together in different ways, and it seems like some partners suddenly get an epiphany, while most go through a gradual process. Maybe, as Naej said, let him take the lead on the level of intimacy for awhile and see how that goes. Of course you shouldn't do anything that you don't feel comfortable with but I don't think you would do that anyway...

OK I'm rambling, but I don't think you need luck to make things work. I think you will make your own success by keeping your faith and focus on the long-term success of the R rather than the short-term hurdles and temporary awkwardness.

I hope that you have a wonderful night tonight,

ITH

PS My post crossed with Sandy's. I really like what she has to say.

[AliSuddenly]

Thankyou thankyou thankyou.. naej, ITH, Sandy.. wow I wish I had read that before I went out!!

Ok, this is incredibly hard. The waiting was hard, dealing with him last summer was so hard and then Helen but this? THis is abject agony. I am doing all the wrong things I am sure and I am terrified.

So he did come here first, he just rubbed my arm when he arrived and pulled an old sad/guilty face with a "Hiya al"... so I was thrown by that.. then we were in the kitchen and he brightened a little bit.. I actually said to him.. do you want a kiss then and he said "sorry".. grabbed my shoulders and lightly kissed my cheek far away from my mouth. Anyway, as freaked out as I was, I tried to recover and chatted about my art, he was admiring it. Then we went out.. he seemed to have timed it so we didnt have much time to talk before and after the pictures.

I have this horrible feeling he is testing me out again, but perhaps he is going to finally let it go.. Mercury is retrograde and I wonder if this isnt a last time around the block? Thats my fear though.

So, he did take my hand eventually to walk to a bar after the pictures, so that was nice. But it was hard work to make conversation and it didnt flow. I was paranoid I was boring him (or had last night) and also, couldnt think of anything to say, my mind was blank and so many subjects are taboo between us anyway. So I wasnt doing a very good job.

We drove home, again, a few awkward silences.. got outside my house and he left the engine running as he didnt come in.. turned to me and took a breath and this was the convo I think...

- I'm sorry, but I'm not going to come in, I'm really tired, but I know that you're disappointed
- Oh, you're not? you dont want to? We could've just gone to sleep if you're tired.
- No but I'm sorry to disappooint you (hugs me tight)
- well YOU havent disappointed me.. but it is disappointing, but more than that, thankyou for being honest, its good that you are able to be honest(still hugging me).. just as long as you're ok with me
- yes I am ok with you..absolutely and you havent upset me or anything I just want to take things slow .. I'm still feeling my way with this...
- ok, so you feel like you just want to get some sleep and have a bit of space, well tahts fine
- yes, I do need a good nights sleep and I'm just scared.. and you said you were scared too
(I was but I meant of his willy wonka, not anything else, not of an R with him!)
- I just need some adjusting time...

Then he said its just I need to sort myself out. He talked about his depression a bit and how he stopped taking his tablets but needed to go back to the doctor and that he didnt want to feel this way anymore.

I said it was ok, he could talk to me about it if he wanted to, or not if he didnt, but he could be however he felt around me, I understand he is this way and thats how he feels at times, so he didnt have to think he had to be in an up mood to see me.

Yep, probably said ALL the wrong things. Got this horrid feeling like this is NOT going well.

For him to say he needs some "adjusting time".. he WAS meaning her wasnt he. Yuk.

I said sorry for being shy around him, but it wouldnt last and he said I had nothing to say sorry for and he was the sorry one as he knew I was disappointed and then said smiling, but we really should stop saying sorry to one another!

He said though he would see me tommorow. I was like, oh, you will?? When? He said, its up to you and your work, but I will phone you in the morning. Then he kissed me on the lips a couple of times and said to get some sleep myself and sped off.

Then I felt utterly rejected and crushed and called my dear old Mum who said, this isnt about you, you are fighting the demons in his head and if you want him, you are going to keep yourself going and say, yes, I'm fine, I was busy doing my art anyway, hope you had a good nights sleep..

[AliSuddenly]

PS: Thanks Dawn, Lisa and ITH for coming back to post to me, I really appreciate it! And thanks Kat and MsM, K, Mish, Neaj, Bobbi and Sandy for your encouragement.

This is really really really hard, I'm not sure I am strong enough. I love this man, I just keep smiling at him... and looking back on today/tonight, after what he said in the car.. I can see that the reason its awkward and wasnt flowing was becuase he was very down.. but I thought he wasnt that into me and I got scared and unconfident and more tongue tied.. so we fed off each other. When I remembered a funny anecdote and got a bit more animated, he responded and brightened up a bit too.

I was just so crushed that he didnt want to sleep beside me, after being so keen to do that last night. Its like.. well then, did I do something wrong? Are you comparing me to Helen? OR>.. even worse.. is this all serving as a reminder and you are remembering why you left me in the first place ???

But, he said it himself.. he's still feeling his way with this and he thinks he needs some adjusting time. So something either last night or this morning freaked him out and its all textbook hey. Theres me thinking but shouldnt he want to be with me whenever he can, after telling me for months that he missed me terribly? And yet, he left the engine running and wouldnt even come in. That was hard to bear, especially after last night.. but thank god we didnt do it hey.

[kat727]

I sabotage myself too because I make lots of assumptions. It is so important to not jump to conclusions. Sadly you are not in his head and really can't know what he is thinking. You need to be confident and relaxed and borrow my mantra...be patient. He wants you too.

And Ali you know that much is true. Hugs,
kat

[sandycay]

But, he said it himself.. he's still feeling his way with this and he thinks he needs some adjusting time.

Ali,

You really have to listen to his words. He (if he is like most men) have no underlying meaning. He means what he says and says what he means. He is telling you what he needs you to give him and what he needs in order to be with you..... CAN YOU LISTEN, HE'S TELLING YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

[naej]

Ali, you have had some great advice. It is time for you to zip the lip. Listen to him and don't pressure him.
Treat this with no expectations.(Pretend anyway)
You seem to jump on his words.

do you want a kiss then

this is pressure,showing your needs/expectations. Let him kiss you of his own volition.
Like when he said he wasn't coming in you said

- Oh, you're not? you dont want to?

He had already told you. More pressure.
I could go on but I think you now know what you need to do.
Remember this is not your boyfriend, this is still an x that has just left a relationship.
Treat it like a new rel.
Accept what he can give you right now, or not,but don't try to rush it.
Yes he may be testing you, it is your choice if you want to be tested(I somehow think you want this to work tho-lol)

So get that "as if" attitude, maybe be not so available,not exactly turning him down but maybe alter the time he wants to meet as your busy.
Listen to him but don't feel you have to rescue him or sort out his problems. Don't tell him that he doesn't always have to be in a good mood to see you. It smacks of desperation on your part.
I know thats not how you intended it to sound.

Very early days, you are both feeling your ways. IF in doubt say nowt, maybe just a nod or smile. Use your mouth in proportion to your ears.
I really get the feeling that he knew you would be expecting him to come straight back to you after Helen and he felt obligated to do that b/c he cares and didn't want to disappoint you. He just is not ready for a full on rel or talks or maybe much of anything right now.
All your replies and body language (I am guessing) are showing him you expected him to just come home and life will go on as before.
YOU are busy, so be busy with everything but him, that way you don't have to pretend.
((((())))

[Virtually_Handsome]

Remember the hedgehog!

[AliSuddenly]

Thankyou Sandy... yes thats why I did the second post.. I get it, he needs time. I'm disappointed he isnt already ok about it, why come back now if he is still adjusting!? Or maybe he thought it would be fine but something about being at his house and there was some awkwardness between us, made him realise.

I am actually amazed that he was so honest (shame it was under the pressure of me sat in his car with the engine running for a quick getaway). Its the first honest conversation we have had about me and him for nearly 2 years. I dont think I handled it that well. And yes, I was meaning he doesnt have to exhaust himself wearing the mask for me (as I can see he was trying to last night, but looked terrible, tired etc).. but perhaps it sounded like, hey come see me anyway! I think he knew what I meant though, as this is something we have talked about before. I didnt offer to 'help' though, so that was good at least!

And yes, thanks kat, naej, Jeff...I wish I hadnt reacted the way I did, this is all so hard. I am only human, I was crushed, I felt rejected, I have been smiling alot with him and letting him talk and tried to be calm and not be too needy, but then I was the same in bed.. I kept smiling and kissing him alot, so obviously I am showing him I am a done deal, I am really into him! After so long apart, to have the man you love now holding your hand and kissing you on the lips, its incredible and yes it makes you want more.. more more more.. thats what my Mum said.. you cant expect more, you have to lower your expectations of him. But I had this horrible feeling.. am I being boring? Quiet? Is he still deciding and may end it AGAIN?

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I think Naej hit the nail on the head when she suggested that your ex might feel as though he should jump back into an R with you because it's what you want. I don't mean to suggest that he doesn't want an R with you and hasn't already willingly recommitted in his mind. He may just not be ready to have everything that goes along with the R so quickly. He may know that you are what he wants, and doesn't want to take the risk of losing you, so is doing what he needs to do to make sure you stick around. I don't mean to imply that your ex is being sneaky or deceitful in any way. My guess would be just that he knows you are ultimately what he wants and so is trying to do everything he can to make sure that you will be around when he is completely ready. It is probably not a conscious plan of any kind.

OK something else that others have already sort of mentioned--I wouldn't initiate physical affection yet. I remember when I was first back home and I wanted to kiss my H so much, and every time I would post about that on my thread, I'd get a response that this was pressuring to him. It is probably the same to your ex. I promise you that he knows that you want him and accept him for who he is. If you can slow it down emotionally a bit, he will probably feel more comfortable around you and may start being more affectionate of his own accord. In fact, when I was home and my H first said he wanted to try to work on things (via email) I had responded to him and just poured out my emotions, that I loved him, that I wanted a fresh start etc. His response? "Slow things down a bit." This was gutting as you don't feel like you should have to slow things down with the love of your life, but looking at it from another standpoint, you have worked so hard to get to this point, and if you can patiently rebuild, you will have the kind of R that many couples will never get to have. You will both have been forced to really think about what matters, rather than just going with the flow.

The biggest piece of advice I can give from my own experience is to keep a positive, upbeat attitude at all times around your ex, and let his comments roll off your back. After all-he is still trying to spend time with you, and has initiated seeing you 3 days in a row. If he doesn't want to come in one night, can you make a joke of it somehow like "your loss then?" and wink? Just an example, but if you can be a bit more playful and light, he really might relax. My H was clinically depressed too, and often had really dark spells where everything in life was just terrible. Rather than reminding him how I was there to support and be positive, I just listened when I could so that he would realize of his own accord that he could talk to me, rather than having his depression and issues shoved in his face all the time. Maybe also just act as-if you are just starting to date your ex, and follow the same rules you would in the early stages of an R. Of course things are different as you already love each other and have a history, but not acting too dependent on him in the beginning stages might just be what he needs to feel more comfortable.

The other thing I can say is that once you give him exactly what he wants (space and time to figure things out), he may realize that he needs less of this than he thought he needed. He may have done a lot of processing about Helen already, and probably emotionally detached from her long before ending things. At this point he might just be thinking about himself and what he has to give and whether he deserves you and the R. The worst thing that could happen, IMO, is for him to be put in a position where he feels guiltier. If he feels like he has to watch out for your feelings, and if he realizes how much his actions are hurting you, this is what could make him question whether you'll be able to get over what he did to you in terms of leaving, a much bigger issue than him not coming in after a movie.

So today you have a great opportunity to see your ex again and be light and happy Ali! Please remember that you are getting a second chance, and if you can focus on how amazing that is instead of all the hurdles in the way, you might feel better.

Looking forward to hearing the next chapter...

ITH