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H does not know that I know he is going places with her. In fact, he doesn't know I have any idea he's still in contact with OW. I believe he is meeting her for lunch and think that's just the 2 of them. The party/movie was a threesome (she brought a friend). I'm not sure about the other movie. I believe he is meeting her today and taking her gifts he bought while out shopping with the boys for Mother's Day. He told the boys he bought them for me, but changed his mind and may take them back. I agree with you, I don't think this is acceptable. I'm beginning to wonder why I even want to try this - maybe it is truly not meant to be. On the surface, we are getting along and he continues to be affectionate, throw in ILY every now and then, but knowing what I know is beginning to make me sick to my stomach. What kind of person can do what he's doing? I know he's MLC, but it's inexcusable. I need to think about it today, but I may have reached my breaking point. Maybe he needs to go and be free to see if she truly is his "soulmate," free to ruin her M too, free to MLC all he wants fully separate from me. Then if in the future he decides he wants to come back, I'll just have to see. It's humiliating to me for him to lay in bed hugging me, ML, knowing he's planning to meet up with her and give her gifts he bought with our children, courting her. I'm not sure I can deal with so much deception and blatant disrespect. I have a lot to think about today....

Now even more to ponder. H just called and said instead of going wherever he was going tonight he wants to pick up the boys. And he wants to know if MC can see him individually today or ASAP. My take - he wants to talk with MC about how to break the news to me that he's done. Yes, I'm guessing. Probably shouldn't try to anticipate. But given how the ILY's have diminished, the gifts for OW, etc. and just sensing his mood, I bet I'm right. Only other thing could be if he wanted to try to figure out how to work on M and I can't see that being the case if he's still involved with OW. Seems like he'd break that off first? Anyway, I don't want to have expectations, but don't know how to stop the mindwheels from churning.

Guys - please keep me, H and our M in your thoughts and prayers today. I feel something coming.


Me 39
H 38
T22/M15
S11
S7
EA Confirmed 3/11/09
Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
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H was not able to get in to see the MC today. But things are coming to a head. He has started R talk and a lot of things that he blames me for and resents me for are coming out. I'm not sure how to respond other than to validate and apologize for those things I believe I should apologize for. He says he feels like I emotionally abandoned him years ago. Our problems go back to when S11 was born and I put children before H and M. I cannot change the past. I was only part of the problem, H contributed as well but I had told him I was willing to move past the past and I mean it. I'm ready to forgive all the past problems if we can just move forward and deal with the issues - get to the root of it and fix it. He is skeptical of all the changes I have made and said "after all these years that you haven't been here for me, you suddenly make all these changes and expect me to be here, to want to work on the M?" How do I respond to that? So far I've just said that I can understand how he would feel that way and maybe it doesn't seem reasonable. I told him that I do want to be married, to him, but not the same marriage we've had. Truth is, he'd have to make changes too but we haven't discussed that. I also told him that if he needs to go, to just go. I'm thinking maybe he needs to be totally separate from me for a while to figure out what he really wants and to see if my changes stick.

He's gone to dance class and said we'd talk when he got home. How do I DB through this R talk? Is this when I should be honest and open or should I just validate? Help?!?!


Me 39
H 38
T22/M15
S11
S7
EA Confirmed 3/11/09
Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Joined: Mar 2009
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Your situation is much like mine. H lives at home and continues an EA. He spewed the same sort of anger at me--children before H, emotional separation, separate lives, etc. He is afraid to "try" with me because he has been giving, giving, giving and needs to get something back. Now, anyone who has observed us would never think he was the "giver" in the relationship by a long shot but that is how he felt. Also, I am in MC at H's insistence as he carries on the A!

I vote for validating when they are angry as that has gotten me the most mileage so far.

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BPretty,

OMG - that sounds SOOOOO familiar! I'll have to hop over to see your full sitch. Does he know that you know the EA is still ongoing? My H is insistent his has stopped and one of his resentments is that I've "alienated him" from his best friend (OW). But the EA is still going on in some form as there are still phone calls/texts. Does your MC know H is having EA? How does your MC approach it when you want to work on the marriage and H doesn't know if he wants to? That has been a challenge for us.


Me 39
H 38
T22/M15
S11
S7
EA Confirmed 3/11/09
Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 27
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Yes, we (me, H, MC) all know the EA continues.

I'll channel Jack T B here and say that your H doesn't have to insist the EA is over if there are no questions, demands, accusations, raised eyebrows, etc.

I think we feel the same in that if our H's care enough to do what they are doing for us, we must have some control/power over the EA escalating to PA. or some responsibility. or something we can DO for gosh sakes.

The MC is basically now doing IC on H. H wants me there. He says he wants to be connected to me and refers to EA as unhealthy. He wants to figure out what happened so it won't happen again. He has stated he is almost sure he doesn't want to pursue a "real" relationship with OW. (However, the not-real relationship continues and the "unwinding" is glacial slow). There is no direct discussion of the A at this time.

My IC says we are working on the marriage even if H says he doesn't know if he wants to. She tells me it's not linear and literal.

I'd say with your H, he is essentially 1/2 out the door, so if you still want a shot at an M, validate, appreciate, seek to understand.

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Limbo,

First off, breathe. He may or may not discuss this with you tonight. If he does, listen. Don't be thinking about how you're going to respond to what he says. It's ok to take it all in, validating if you uderstand etc. and then tell him you want to think about all that he's told you and you'd like to talk again. Then really think about it. That he may be ready to go doesn't mean he doesn't have valid points that need to be heard. I know you do too, I don't think now is the time for your turn.

HUGS

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Did have some R discussion last night and this morning. Not sure I handled it best, but mostly validated. Basically, he said he feels like for the past 11 years our M has just been a habit, that we haven't really been happy. On that issue I told him I understood what he was saying, but that I did not feel the same way. He also said that he feels like for the last 11 years he didn't mean anything to me, that everything he did was wrong, that he was nothing to me or the M. I have no idea what he's talking about and do not agree, but I listened (is this std MLC stuff?). I did not debate with him, but I did get upset, which is bad because he says he can't talk with me when I get upset. It's just so hard not to get emotional when you're talking about something of this proportion. All of our R talks are centered on me - what I've done wrong in the past, what changes I'm making that he doesn't believe will stick, etc. I guess that's pretty standard for this point?

All night I kept waking up with him holding me and kissing my forehead and such. What the heck am I supposed to make of that? I guess he still cares on some level? Maybe he thinks it's helpful to hold me b/c I'm hurting? Honestly, it seems to just make it worse b/c it's confusing for me. It's one of those mixed signals that gives me hope when maybe it really shouldn't. Any thoughts on that?

I'm leaving on travel this morning and will not see him again until Friday night. I will use this time to think about what I really want. What I want is a magic wand to go "poof" and fix it all, but since those don't exist.... \:\)


Me 39
H 38
T22/M15
S11
S7
EA Confirmed 3/11/09
Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,542
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Limbo,

You're right that is difficult not to get upset. Cut yourself some slack there too. Perhaps next time you find yourself getting upset in a convo with him you could say that you're getting upset and would like to calm down and talk later.

Mixed signals are the pits. It's really hard esp at first not to over analyze everything they say do and don't say and don't do. I'm curious about your comment on "hope". Do you not think you should have it?

If you can work it in while you're away perhaps some nice long walks (or if the place you're staying has a gym) you could work off some of the anxiousness and it would help you think more clearly.

If you have computer access keep posting.

Are you on facebook?

HUGS

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Limbo,

Use the time to figure out if you want to be married I fully agree. While your doing that let me remind you that you're pretty new here so you're going to bounce.

Look, saying I know its MLC but its disrespectful is like saying I know its a dog, but does it have to bark? Sadly, Yeah it does. Wouldn't be much of a life crisis without all the confusion and crap that goes along with it.

The suck part...is you know this crap because you snooped. and now...now you can't saying anything about it (well you can...and guess what? I'll bet you will down the road, that will be a fun day! Wait until you see how upset they get when you tell them you found all their little secrets, its almost funny)...so in a weird way...it's you fault. Ever hear that ignorance is bliss? Well it is. He doesn't know you know, so why would naything change on his part iof he doesn't want to truely rip your heart out?

Look Limbo, this isn't easy. You're going to have to be tougher to make it. And really if you figure out you cannot forgive him, then give up now, if you are going to hold this over his head for the rest of your life then quit out now and find someone else to help you raise your boys.

If marriage was easy, they wouldn't need vows. Better or worse. Yeah he f-ed up and will f up more. I hope you feelthat MLC is a mental breakdown because that certainly helps. "In sickness and in health" Health is easy...better is easy. Life isn't easy. Cowgirl up, show your boys what they want in a wife.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Grace,
I'm an engineer by degree, so statistics make some sense to me. I'm also not a betting person. So when H says there is less than 5% chance he even wants to try to work on the M, I'm not sure I should have hope. Ok, I can also say that even if there is only 1% chance, it's a chance. It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy and fighting for something that is hopeless and maybe not worth fighting for. I just need to think this week about what I want.

J3B,
I'm so glad you're back. I was thinking maybe you'd given up on me! You're right - I got this from snooping and I'm paying for it. Morbid curiosity I suppose. Yes, I will have to be tougher. I am a strong person, just let my emotions get the best of me at times. Once I figure out what I really want, I think that will help. I guess some folks here thought they were completely happy pre-bomb. I've known for many, many years that we had problems and I just wonder if we could ever have the R that I desire or if that's being unrealistic.
I can forgive him and would completely forgive him today if he came clean and truly committed. "In sickness and in health..." - I hadn't really thought about it that way. MLC is certainly a sickness. I don't want someone else to help raise my boys. I just want their healthy dad to do that.

Hang in here with me guys!


Me 39
H 38
T22/M15
S11
S7
EA Confirmed 3/11/09
Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
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