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LTL.

Yes there are some success stories, couples who reconciled because the WAS had time to let the affair run its course, and then came to appreciate the spouse more. And there are a lot of examples of people who did end up divorced, but feel that DB helped them to be better, happier, and stronger people. And most of those people are satisfied with the effort they put forth anyway. Everyone here will tell you to DB for yourself, to help you close the emotional wound and move on. If she comes back, great. If she doesn't, then you will go on to have a happy life anyway.

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Let me put it to you this way. You say you've been "DB-ing" for three years. Yet that's not what I'm hearing. I'm hearing someone who is still pursuing his W endlessly. She's sick of it and sick of you. That's the hard truth.

The fact that you are actually begging for sex is amazing. I'm surprised she actually gives it to you. But then again, she complains about it. And what do you do when she complains? You ask her again expecting things to be different.

Step one. Leave her alone. Stop with the pressure.

I'm assuming she still has the OM. Well then go for an in-house separation or tell her to stay with the OM. Do you really want this toxic person in your home?

You want to know how it's going to raise your respect level? It's because it's going to show her that you are a MAN. A MAN who is not doing it because he is an @$$ but because you are saving your family and your kids from HER destructive patterns.

Your description of her shows her actually sneering down at you. Belittling you. My God you don't even show respect for yourself. Once you get back your self-respect, you are going to show off your confidence and attractiveness. Right now you are the whiny puppy dog begging for attention. Take that control back from her. Do what you need to do to stay healthy alone. You did it when you were single. You can do it again.

And besides, do you really want to have sex with her while she's with the OM?

Just a 2x4.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #1805281 07/21/09 07:42 AM
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I have one teensy thing to chime in with here because I'm a newbie who hasn't even read the books yet...

Whatever anti-D she's on, it's not working. A switch in dosage or to a different product might be beneficial. Anti-D's tend to take at least a month to get in-system, so the wait-and-see of it can be difficult.


The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.

My sitch - Divorce Busted!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
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I go out of town on business frequently. Typically I call home to speak with my wife and the kids. Many times she says she can't talk right now and will call me back. The fact of the matter is that she never calls back after saying she is going to. Sometimes I attempt to call her back. Sometimes she answers and sometimes she doesn't. Either way I believe this is disrespectful that she says she is going to call back and then she doesn't. I've mentioned this to her before and she thinks nothing of it. How do I approach this matter? What do I tell her or ask of her? Or do I say nothing and keep calling and waiting for the call back? Any suggestions?


Me:39,W:42,S:4,D:3,WPA&WD Jul06, http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1125338
MrBond #1806029 07/22/09 05:34 AM
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Dear Stuck808: I appreciate your responses, but why such the negativity? Are you divorced?

I believe I have been DB-ing because although my wife has threatened divorce and separation that I have encouraged supporting whatever will make her happy, we are still married, together under the same roof with our kids...for whatever the reason she is still here therefore I believe I am still achieving my ultimate goal of remaining married and not divorcing.

I don't believe I am begging for sex. I attempt to initiate from time to time because sometimes she actually is receptive. I too thought that stopping was a good idea which is what I did for several months, but the DBing coach suggested that still attempting sex was a good idea because it is an effort in intimacy and sparking the fire, therefore I continue to attempt from time to time.

I don't know for a fact that she still has the OM. It is of course possible, but I have no proof, she is not admitting even after I ask her. The DBing Coach also said to not think about this. Once again, if she truly had OM and the opportunity to move out why wouldn't she have already?
Of course I don't want to have sex with her if she is with the OM, but I just don't know.

How do you do an in-house separation, you mean like I sleep on the coach or ask her to? We already rarely speak unless it is about work or kids.

I do agree that it appears that she is "sneering down" and or "belittling" me. This is obvious in her tone of voice, her consistant criticism, her lack of initiating conversation, affection, etc. This is something I would like to change, but I am not sure how. When I stand up to her criticism it just becomes an escalating angry screaming argument that usually would take place in front of the children, so I avoid this. In many cases, I attempt to revisit these conversations at a later time when we are away from the kids and then she doesn't want to talk.

I still don't understand what you mean about showing respect for myself and taking control back from her. Does that mean I argue everytime I disagree? Does that mean I leave the house when I disagree? I already feel confident. I feel attractive. I feel healthy. I am happy with my life at work, with the kids, my home, it is just that I want her back the way she was. If you are suggesting ignoring her would achieve this, then I will try again.

What is 2x4?

Thanks.


Me:39,W:42,S:4,D:3,WPA&WD Jul06, http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1125338
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LTL,

Sounds like you know what you are doing. People on this board like to say that they are hitting each other with a 2x4, like a piece of wood, to give them a correction. But you are right. It is better to have some sex than no sex. Once you let the sex go, the relationship becomes almost impossible to fix. The only professional advice you get around here is from the DB coaches. Everyone else is just another troubled soul trying to be helpful. You have to judge the value and usefulness of the advice for yourself. Each of us is the best judge of our own situation and how to deal with our spouse. It is good to be careful and think carefully about advice before you take it. After all, you will live with the consequences.

Sara #1807572 07/24/09 02:47 PM
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LTL,

I am of the opinion that you need to find out if your wife is having an affair. You need to know if it is physical. You need to get yourself tested for VD if she is having sex with someone else. And you need to project yourself if you are going to be sexual with her. Yuck. Once you find out, then I think it is conterproductive to keep snooping. You really need to know what you are up against.


I'm a man . . .
But I can change . . .
If I have to . . .
I guess . . .

The Man's Prayer - Red Green
Esox #1826664 08/26/09 06:57 PM
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LTL, how are you? My assessment of your situation is that it sucks. It seems to me that your W is trying to wear you down. She might be trying to get you to end the M. I wasn't "man" enough to end mine when I was in the same situation. I waited for her and now we will be D within a few months. I am still waiting for that date to become convinced that she is really done. I wish that I had taken the advice to let her go two years ago when she wasn't sure what she wanted. I waited. I gave her everything. Now she knows for sure what she wants and she can't get there fast enough. I am upbeat. I am good looking. I am fun. She is gone. What got me about your situation is that the kids are now taking on her darkness. You being bummed about her isn't going to help. You have got to move on. Only that will give her a chance to come back. She isn't coming back to what she has now. Let her go. Don't leave the house. Show the kids how to handle this tough situation. With grace and honor. And most importantly, listen to Sara's above advice. Thanks for listening. Good Luck.


Me 41
W 39
d7, s4
M 13
Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
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